How to start and navigate reconciliation?

[heartfeltengine]

Hello, I need advice on navigating a "possible" reconciliation/reconnection.

My ex and I (early 20s) have been together for 2 years, moving together very quickly, buying a house together after just one year and we were planning to get married soon. During our relationship, I had no idea of BPD as she was never diagnosed with it (she was diagnosed a few years before dating me with bipolar 2. She said she took some treatment back then but she stopped it for not feeling like it was helping her.).

Things were great until they weren't. She had multiple episodes and became increasingly over-critical and bored with me. The devaluing process was slow, she indicated that she has an inner thoughts about how it would be with a different partner. She said she was afraid of these thoughts and she has no idea where they are coming from and that she is not willing to explore them, only mentioning them. She mentioned multiple times that she is afraid of many of her thoughts and that she feels empty and has no idea what she wants to do with her life. Those were the episodes from which after she recovered, she looked fine, motivated and loving.

She started ghosting me, she started talking to another guy behind my back from another country, when confronted she said: "it is nothing". After a few days, she admitted that she started to "feel something for him". She expressed it clearly (while still oscillating on the decision) that she wants to pursue that thing. We broke up as this deeply hurt me. She blamed me for everything and painted me and our relationship black.

We are in NC for 2.5 months. She broke the NC several times, only to brag that "she is working on herself". There was a mix of bitterness and a bit of care. She wants to relocate to another country (what a coincidence). For me, it is clear that she got a new FP (the same guy) and now she is acting with ZERO rationality. She did this in her past.

After reading several books on BPD, things made sense. There were a LOT of signs of BPD from behaviors and conversations that made ZERO sense to me in the heat of the moment, but now I can pinpoint them to BPD. She started therapy immediately after the breakup , but I have no idea if she was diagnosticated or not.

The requirements for us to rebuild this into a healthy relationship would be (in my opinion):

• she gets diagnosticated by a professional
  
• her to accept the disorder and the responsibility for what she did and why she did it
  
• her to reconsider our relationship
  
• me changing my behavior to stop enabling her illness (obviously, I became a doormat in the last half of the relationship)
• being as supportive as possible with her while keeping strong boundaries
• both seeking individual and couple counseling

I am willing to work with her on this if the conditions are met, but I find it rather difficult to happen (on her side). I believe that she minus her disorder would make a great life partner and I truly care for the person behind this disordered behavior.

I feel like letting her know that I can understand her better than others, but she has to do the work. I feel that I am in a much better space emotionally now as I am more detached (I also seek therapy for myself).

From your experience, what course of action could make her reconsider the relationship with me?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

You cannot make her do anything. Your list of what it would take to resume the relationship is unlikely to be palatable to her, as most people with BPD are very resistant to acknowledging their part in relationship issues and project their issues upon their partners.

She “minus the disorder” is not a possibility. BPD is the lens through which she sees the world. Should she commit to several years of DBT therapy, she could arrive at a place where she has fewer BPD traits. If you want her in your life, you have to accept the whole person, BPD included.

[Rev]

Hello Heartfelt.

Welcome. My good friend Cat spelled it out in a really clear way. I won't add or take away a stitch of what she has added.

So, I hear you longing for something that you may have one had on the one hand - and protecting yourself on the other.  That, I think is normal, given the push pull nature of these relationships.

I'd invite you to consider her condition as just that - a condition - no different than crones or diabetes. It is always there, will get worse if it is not properly managed, and is prone to flare ups seemingly out of nowhere. It's a condition that can disrupt your life plans and that is something that you might be willing to do - and then maybe not. Each person and situation is different. Right?

Where are you going right now to seek that kind of clarity?  Where are you going to accept that much of this is out of your control? Are you willing to accept chance that I might work and it might not?

Hard questions, I know.  And I don't mean to back you into a corner. I am embracing what appears to have been a lot of analysis and self reflection about your relationship to her.  And that is great.

Could we add a piece. What about how you are feeling about your own personal sense of values and how they motivate your choices? Are you in touch with those, regardless of how people around you feel about you, for better or worse?  The key to your answer lies there.

At times like this, I invite people to do something - this time making sure that Cat's words sit front and center in your mind.

Take these words you have written. Go stand in front of a mirror. Read them aloud to yourself. You've got some parts in bold. When you get to those parts, raise your voice.

Don't over think it. Just do it - maybe once a day for a few days. Let it sit.

A few days later, ask yourself. If you were now to give advice to that guy in the mirror, what would it be?

Thoughts?

Hang in there my friend. You've come to a great place. We've all been there in some way shape or form.   Again... welcome.

Rev

[heartfeltengine]

Thank you very much for your warm welcome and replies. I wanted to take a bit of time to reflect on what you've suggested.

First of all, I do understand that "her minus disorder" is not possible as the disorder is part of her. Spending 2 years with her taught me that I can tolerate a certain amount of nonsense in my life. My breaking point was when I felt she got little to no respect for me. Is that something fixable? I have no idea. I do consider myself much more prepared for navigating such a thing and maybe I just want to see how that plays out. That's my bet.

Second of all, I have no idea what is inside her head, but I do know what is inside mine. At this point, I still feel that I deeply love her and somehow I know myself good enough to understand that I might feel bad in the future for "not doing anything now". What do I mean by that? I can presume she might be too ashamed to reconsider the relationship after all she said and done or she simply does not care enough. If it is the first, I would like to know that I offered her a hand.

And now here is my internal conflict. I want to reach out to her, but if I do, I feel that I will enable her. She has to live with the consequences that she created by her destructive behavior. If she wants me enough, she has to do something, but I am not sure how that plays in the BPD mind. I don't want her to view me as a plan B, or as someone who will always be there regardless of her betrayal.

The message that I want to transmit to her is: "I still care about you, I won't reject you if you want to talk with me about us, but I won't tolerate games, lies, or betrayal." I simply have no idea how to craft this message to be properly understood for the BPD mind that's fighting with abandonment or engulfment (or both) fears about me.

[15years]

I met my wife when I was 15 yo and I'm now 31, so I know how it can be to grow up side by side with a pwBPD. I too wanted to be the strong one and tolerate some amount of nonsense. I didn't know about bpd at your age, so that should make a difference for you of course. I recognize a youthful optimism in your posts, that you can navigate the relationship as a strong leader.

[heartfeltengine]

Thanks for your reply. Clearly, I was anything but a leader in the relationship as the devaluation phase started. Completely lost control as she was incredibly controlling and dominant. Nothing I was doing wasn't good enough. I understand that the only thing that I can control is my own behavior. I am wondering if I had all of this knowledge on the table if things were different. Having no prior experience in relationships definitely contributed a lot to the disaster.

Concluding, those are my reasons for being such an optimistic. I know that I can be different (becoming a doormat was a slow process where I believed everything she said about me), I have some knowledge + tools, I can understand my own emotions much better and I am in a much better emotional space right now (and I intend to keep it even if I resume the relationship, but not sure how easy is that). I like to view this as a challenge for myself.

I am not sure if I live in a disillusion right now... Probably the reality will not be as I imagine it.

[once removed]

I am wondering if I had all of this knowledge on the table if things were different.

are you familiar with the bargaining stage of grief?

when i was going through my breakup, my mother was my primary (and nearly only) confidant. i remember her mentioning that if i were to get back together with my ex, that couples counseling should be a must. reconciliation is what i was hoping for.

the problem? she was in a relationship with someone else. reconciliation was never really an option.

its important (vital) to think through the way you would like to see things go should you reconcile. having said that, they are ultimately only relevant if reconciliation is on the table.

reversing a breakup is really about playing the best hand version of the cards youve been dealt. it means taking stock of what went wrong and how its going to change going forward (otherwise sure you can reconcile, and you can crash and burn even faster), but it also means being the most attractive version of yourself that drew in your partner in the first place.

to the extent you have a say in the matter, i would be focusing a lot more on the latter.

your relationship ended for reasons (in part, it sounds like she got cold feet, which by itself is very normal, but a person with bpd traits is going to be far less equipped to work through those fears and concerns). lets say that tomorrow, she came to you saying she wanted to reconcile, but she had a list of needs that would have to be met. more than likely, youd feel pretty incredulous, and even if you considered it, youd probably ultimately determine that theres too much baggage there, and that it would be easier to move on.

so, id be thinking in terms of how to build attraction, first and foremost. what are the conversations between the two of you like? how frequent are they? where are the ways you can see that you might build on all of this?

[heartfeltengine]

Thank you for your answer. I am conflicted by the following two ideas.

If I want to reconcile, I need to rebuild attraction. Still, if I reach out and ask her on a date, I lose her attraction (it is essential to mention that when we broke up, I gave her the alternative to try more and work on the relationship, but she declined, so she was the one to break up with me).

If I don't reach out, her BPD mind might be thinking "I knew it, he didn't love me in the first place", the abandonment fear, or the object consistency that will make her NOT reach out to me.

It feels like a no-win situation to me.

I will be happy to share more details about the latest conversations in private if that is ok with you @once removed

[once removed]

If I don't reach out, her BPD mind might be thinking "I knew it, he didn't love me in the first place", the abandonment fear, or the object consistency that will make her NOT reach out to me.

try not to base your actions on what she might or might not be thinking. i know how easy it is to do.

i wouldnt jump straight into asking her on a date.

the key is to play the best hand youve got...and not overplay it.

[heartfeltengine]

Got an update here. She reached out basically saying: Hope you are well, let's meet up, I want to catch up and get on good terms with you. I am not sure of her intentions. Any hints on what I should pay the most attention to if I decide to meet her up? As far I as know, she was in therapy, but my feeling is that she is using her therapist just for validation. I want to know if she was diagnosticated or not, if she has any level of awareness for her problem and if she is doing any work in this direction.

Many thanks in advance.