Husband with BPD taking anger out on my son/his step son

[dtkm]

This is my first thread, so I apologize if I am a little long winded.  My husband and I have been married for close to 5 years.  We have 5 children (ages 1 to 11), 2 of which are together.  From day 1, he has treated "his" children like royalty all of the time, but especially during his episodes and my two children (his stepchildren) like complete crap during these times, but like his best friends during his normal emotional times.  He works very hard during his episodes to separate "his" and "my" kids, completely ignoring "my" kids even when they say hi, etc to him, telling "his" daughter (my step daughter) to not talk to me or go near me, telling her that I am having a million affairs and that "my" two kids are in on the "plan" with me and if he leaves "his" daughter at home with me and the other kids that she always has to keep her phone on her incase she needs to call to report how I have treated her.  Interestingly, my step daughter just about always chooses to sit next to me when watching TV, wants to go to the park, the store, etc with us even if her dad is staying home and has apologized to me in the past for "not speaking to me, as her dad forbid her for doing so".  I have always tried to keep the kids together and out of all of his drama.  I have explained what I can to kids their age and have told them to ignore their dad and act as they feel is appropriate at any given time.  About 6 months ago, I began DBT for families therapy.  Since then I have changed my reaction to my husband's outbursts and am trying to ignore (with some success, but not always success) most of what he says about the million and one affairs I am apparently having and the horrible parent that I am (his favorite 2 go toos).  He has now started on my 11 year old son, yelling at him for no reason and when I step in telling me that its ridiculous that he can't step in and parent my kid and that if that is the case to tell my son not to call him "dad" any longer.  After a couple of statements backing my son up, I then say "I am done fighting in front of the kids" and am quiet.  He will usually give a couple of mean statements about me and my child, saying that "we are done/so over", etc, and then he will go watch tv in a different room.  Then in the past...a couple of days later he ropes "my" kids back in and is their best friend again.  I don't know what to do.  I want consistency for my kids.  I know responding to him is what he wants, but I can't sit there and listen to my child being berated and not back him up.  Luckily my son has a very strong head and understands this has nothing to do with him, but still, I am strong and his crap gets to me.  Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this situation?   Do I pull my kids away from him, telling them to now call him by his name and not by "dad"?  He does not have legal custody of them, but that is not known by the majority of the world.  Do I start calling him their step dad and not inviting him to their events, or telling them when they have sporting events (one of his constant accusations is that I am having an affair with all of my son's coaches, he plays a lot of sports...according to him that is why he is on the teams that he is on, not because of his talent) or doctors appointments, etc?  I want a family that loves each other and supports each other, but I have no idea how to do that with the separation that he creates.  Do I not allow "my" 2 kids to play with our younger 2 kids, as any complaint one of the little kids has, he is taking it out on "my" kids regardless of if anything actually happened!  UGH       

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[Protectourfamily]

I think I am in a similar situation, despite the fact that my kids are all his as well ... He basically splits the family into two, so that there are "good" kids (the ones who unfortunately feel the need to provide him with emotional validation!) and "bad" kids. The good kids are "his" and he tries to alienate them from me and from the "bad" kids. It takes all my energy just to protect everyone from his explosive moods during the bad times, but I have to try and create a united family (at least, me and the kids) during the good times, too. That's when the damage becomes apparent, the deep cracks separating us.

[Notwendy]

This is a common configuration for families where there is a disordered parent. Each family member takes on different roles and this actually keeps the family in some sort of balance, a dysfunctional one, but still balance. One child becomes the "all good" golden child. This child represents the good reflection to the disordered person. Another child becomes the scapegoat and the target of the bad projections. It's not good for a child to be in either role.

It may appear more balanced in a way, to the outside, but it's not really "family unity".

It was not until adulthood that I decided to not accept my BPD mother's behavior towards me. I began to have boundaries. She wasn't happy about that.

I received an email shortly after from my father. He said he "wanted us to be a happy family again". That struck me as an odd thing to say. Apparently having a scapegoat helped keep other people happier?

This may sound a bit harsh, but I think "family unity" in these situations is an illusion.

If you read the posts on the board from adult children on the parent board, you will find them to be empathetic and resilient people, trying to maintain some kind of relationship with a disordered parent who is at some level, verbally and emotionally abusive. When we attempt to keep an emotional distance, we then become blamed for their discomfort. We don't want to be hurtful to anyone.

Maybe the best intervention is to mitigate the abuse as much as you can but also give your kids tools to deal with it. Arrange for them to have counseling and also help them to become self sufficient so they can go out on their own one day. Please don't blame them if they choose to keep some distance.

Your family isn't alone with this. It's common.

[thankful person]

If you get a chance, read “raising resilient children with a borderline or narcissist”. I found it brilliant and very helpful I especially liked the audiobook and I’ve listened to it several times. I understand it’s more complicated if you can’t just take his kids and yours away from him for some time to protect them emotionally. My wife and I have two together but she would never accept me saying, “right I’m taking them out for a few hours” which is one of the book’s suggestions . I bet his kids are so glad to have you around..

[Notwendy]

It's good that there are helpful books available now on this topic.

A bit of warning- I think the issues increase as the child gets older. Young children are active but it's easier to control a young child. The natural course of development for children is to work towards autonomy. Keep in mind that poor boundaries are part of BPD and people with PD's see children as extensions of themselves, not as separate people with minds of their own.

Infancy is enmeshment. The baby is completely dependent on the parent. There's probably nothing as close to being enmeshed as breastfeeding. However, for the child, enmeshment is a temporary stage. As the child becomes autonomous, and exerts their independence, their own boundaries, this may not sit well with the pwBPD. While the golden child may appear to have it better than the scapegoat child, they also tend to be the most enmeshed and this impact their development.

Adolescence is a challenging time for even the most emotionally stable parents. The task of the adolescent is to form their own sense of self. They don't fully know this yet  but they know they are not their parents. Some irritating teen behavior is to reject the parents' ideas and suggestions as part of them deciding they are "not their parent" but not yet fully knowing who they are. They also can be moody due to hormonal swings. Now pair this with a BPD parent who also have a poor sense of self and who might perceive normal teen behavior as a threat to them. If the BPD parent has emotional immaturity, it may seem like two teenagers.

Our jobs as parents are to facilitate a child's development towards independence. We need to protect them. Too much freedom too soon isn't good. However, we need to also know when to let go- when they have shown us they can do this safely and responsibly. Parents have cringed when their child takes off on a bicycle to ride to a neighbors house for the first time, but we have prepared them for this and know we can't deny them this step towards independence. It's even harder to watch them drive off in a car, but they've earned their license.

These are tough feelings and pwBPD have trouble managing tough feelings. The BPD parent may perceive the child as causing them to feel discomfort and so react that way.

Knowing these dynamics may help you mitigate issues.

[dtkm]

Thank you so much for all of your insight!  I truly appreciate it. Everything that was said “makes sense” and is very relatable to my life. While I hate to say this, it is nice to know we are not the only people in the world this happens to! 

[Notwendy]

Yes, unfortunately BPD impacts families. I am not sure how we can avoid it. I guess your task is to do what you think is best for you and your son. There isn't a one size fits all answer to this.