Why pwBPD feel attacked when you ask them to change their behavior

[Cat Familiar]

Most of us, when our partner asks us to do something differently, will consider the request. If we think it is valid and is in keeping with our values, we might be willing to change our behavior.

Sure we may get defensive or offer explanations as to why our way of doing things is correct, but most of us will honestly examine the situation from another’s perspective.

This is often not true of our BPD partners. When asked in a kind way to make an insignificant behavioral change, they may react with hostility.

Why? It seems that they don’t have a separation of *behavior* and *self*. If their behavior is seen as less than optimal, it means that they are flawed.

Emotionally healthy people have a healthy self image and criticisms of their behavior are just that—they are not a reflection on their *self*.

This lack of differentiation between behavior and self creates complications in relationships. Even if we share major life choices and values, there will always be ways we differ from our partner, whether it is in neatness, responsibility, timeliness, choice of entertainment, etc.

Such, a mild request such as, “Would you put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher?” can lead to a blowup with a BPD partner. When all you want is the   dishes off the counter, what they are hearing is that they are *a bad person*.

How do you navigate these inevitable domestic issues?

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[waverider]

I try to plant the idea that the answer is theirs, eg "How do  you reckon xyz could be achieved?". Then hope  they try showing off by coming up with the answer which may lead to the grand gesture of putting the dishes away... If it doesnt occur to them then I just do it and get on with life, not going to try retraining a pwBPD by permanently playing politics or corrections officer.

In my wife's case her only motivation for doing anything is for instant gratification of receiving praise or approval, but it has to be her genius idea, not just receiving instructions from me. A childish case of "Look what I did, how clever/thoughtful am I?"

Even so success rate is low, but thats just the way it. Not going to try to teach a cat to bark

[Cat Familiar]

I try to model the healthy behavior that I hope to see my husband manifest. Sometimes just doing it, and not calling attention to it, seems to work somewhat. Other times I will do things that will elicit a slightly embarrassed reaction, such as when I remove his laundry from the clothes drier that has been sitting there for two days, neatly fold it, and bring it to him in his studio when he is sitting there watching TV.  

That’s a slippery slope, however. I don’t want to get into a habit of taking over responsibilities that should be his. So I only do this occasionally.

The drier issue used to really bother me. Now I just put his things in a clothes basket, dry my laundry, then put his clothes back in the drier.  

[thankful person]

The solution here has been much simpler than I ever expected. Like waverider said, you can’t teach a cat to bark and my expectations have always been low. But what I do now is a similar process of trying to get my wife to come up with an idea herself. The strange thing is, sometimes her immediate response is, “no way. I would never do that. I totally disagree…” etc. Now, where I used to argue, try to get her to see sense… I don’t. I just wait. And sometimes I find her doing the “thing” the way I suggested a couple of days later. And she’ll say something like, “hey I thought of this amazing way to do this thing!” Or “I saw someone doing it this way on TikTok!” Again, I don’t argue or remind her that actually I suggested it first, or how resistant she was a couple of days ago. I have been surprised to discover how often this works.

[alterK]

Based on my experience, at least, I think you have come up against one of the essential issues you face with a pwBPD. They are coming from a place of fear and insecurity, translated into resentment and anger. When this gets triggered is impossible to predict. It makes sense to them alone.

This can be pretty distressing. It is hard to live with someone to whom you can't make a simple request and get a simple Yes or No answer. Even if your husband had just said he wouldn't move the dishes and given a reason why--like being in the middle of something else--you might have been annoyed, but at least not become the victim of an attack.

Toward the end, in the months before she moved out, my wife would bring out her heavy artillery at the slightest provocation. Difficult as it was, I tried to tell myself it was her problem, not mine. We reached a point where there were a few routine things I could ask her to do, and I just didn't venture outside those boundaries. Not a great solution. I guess it depends on whether you want to continue living that way. In my case the decision was made for me.

[Go3737]

In my case the decision was made for me.

You lucky dog!