Thinking:Stay or Leave Boyfriend?

[Eva.Flora]

Guys, I would like to thank you for having received me in this space of outbursts and knowledge.

I read a lot of things, opened my mind and it has helped me to move forward.

My first post was written at a time of great pain.

Since December I've been going through a lot of bad things in my relationship. After my boyfriend's bouts of aggression, I began to recall several moments from the beginning of our relationship that already showed me that something was not right.
 
Outbreaks have intensified over the past few months. He breaks everything he sees ahead. Mostly my stuff.

He is unemployed, not looking for a job. He thinks that the people around him should help him to achieve it and that becomes a trigger for anger too.

He doesn't seek help, he expects people to do it for him. Any effort to get help for him is a huge burden. He agrees that he has to, but doesn't take the initiative. Don't search.

But at the same time, he spends his day playing video games and buying things over the internet with money he doesn't have.

He broke all the doors in the apartment we live in, throws things at the walls... the apartment walls are filthy. I cannot invite my family to visit me as everything is destroyed.

He is uncomfortable with the environment, but does nothing to change it.

Any speech from me he can just get it wrong and freak out.

He had a fight with a guy at the gym and he keeps making up reasons why he did it. We were kicked out of the gym because of his attitude.

I'm telling you some of the MANY attitudes.

I find myself divided. I love him, but I can't deal with all of this anymore. I am mentally and physically exhausted. He doesn't recognize my efforts to help and everything I do to try to maintain our relationship.

He always puts himself in a victim's place and puts me as a monster.

He even started to communicate with another girl virtually, claiming that he did it because I don't pay enough attention on him.

I work hard to maintain our standard of living, but I can't take it anymore.

I feel like a coward.
I don't have the courage to abandon him because I see he needs help, but I can't stand to waste the years of my life with a person who doesn't see any of this and doesn't seek to improve.

Am I to blame? Am I too picky?
Would abandoning him be giving up on him when he needs me most?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

He is violent with others, and he's shown violence to your home.

Committing violence to property is still domestic violence.

Do you feel safe?

I experienced a few instances of property violence (with requisite nasty notes), but I only went to sleep one night a bit scared when she showed violence when I was holding our baby. I kind of felt it was my fault, but kind of didn't. It can be confusing, especially when you care about someone.

I encourage you to take this test to assess your risk and perhaps provide perspective.

MOSAIC Threat Assessment

[Cat Familiar]

Certainly you are not too picky. Most people expect a partner to be employed, not ruin their possessions, be financially responsible, not get into fights, and be willing to communicate.

People with BPD may be impaired in some of these categories. I think the question you should ask yourself is “Am I willing to commit to a life with someone who has many problematic issues and is unwilling to seek help?”

[alterK]

It appears to me you know the answers to all your questions. The problem is, the answers aren't what you would like them to be. A natural first reaction in a situation like this is to avoid taking drastic action and hope something will change.

But, sadly, change won't happen, unless you make it happen. You are fortunate (smart to have been careful) there aren't children involved. Your BF is obviously an unhappy person, but you can't fix that. The only person whose unhappiness you can fix is you. You are entitled not to be unhappy.

[PeteWitsend]

...
Am I to blame? Am I too picky?
Would abandoning him be giving up on him when he needs me most?

You are not to blame.  you are not too picky.

And when you say "abandoning him... when he needs me most" you're implying there's going to be some improvement in his behavior, or otherwise his situation in life.  That's highly unlikely, assuming he's a pwBPD.  This is who he is, and if he was not with you, he'd likely be doing the same thing to someone else.  Or ending up in jail when he gets in one fight too many, and someone decides to press charges.  But regardless, none of that is your responsibility to prevent or solve for him. 

You have some tough choices to make, and you're living in a situation that is very toxic. 

He has a demonstrated propensity toward violence, so you need to be extremely careful, and have some plans in place to protect yourself for it/when he directs violence at your person, not just your walls and the things in your place. 

This sounds really scary and unhealthy, and I'm sorry you're in this situation right now. 

[Couscous]

Here is a helpful quiz you might like to take: https://www.northpointrecovery.com/addiction-quizzes/codependent-quiz/

[Eva.Flora]

Turkish,

Thank you very much for your answer. I will do the test.

As you said yourself, because we like and care about someone... sometimes we get confused facing these situations.

He is violent with others, and he's shown violence to your home.

Committing violence to property is still domestic violence.

Do you feel safe?

I experienced a few instances of property violence (with requisite nasty notes), but I only went to sleep one night a bit scared when she showed violence when I was holding our baby. I kind of felt it was my fault, but kind of didn't. It can be confusing, especially when you care about someone.

I encourage you to take this test to assess your risk and perhaps provide perspective.

MOSAIC Threat Assessment

[Eva.Flora]

AlterK,

Thank you very much for the comment.

Deep and direct.

Yeah, that's the so-called "ugly truth".

I'm really thrilled with the answers and that you guys took the time out of your day to answer them.

I reflected reading your comment. And I think that until now I hadn't seen the situation that clearly.

I need to accept and understand that I can only be responsible for my happiness. And I need to understand where she is now.

Thanks for the honesty.

It appears to me you know the answers to all your questions. The problem is, the answers aren't what you would like them to be. A natural first reaction in a situation like this is to avoid taking drastic action and hope something will change.

But, sadly, change won't happen, unless you make it happen. You are fortunate (smart to have been careful) there aren't children involved. Your BF is obviously an unhappy person, but you can't fix that. The only person whose unhappiness you can fix is you. You are entitled not to be unhappy.

[Eva.Flora]

Surely, this is the main question I should ask myself.

And it hadn't until now.

Certainly you are not too picky. Most people expect a partner to be employed, not ruin their possessions, be financially responsible, not get into fights, and be willing to communicate.

People with BPD may be impaired in some of these categories. I think the question you should ask yourself is “Am I willing to commit to a life with someone who has many problematic issues and is unwilling to seek help?”

[Eva.Flora]

PeteWitsend, thank you so much for your words.

I'm having the opportunity to open up and hear the truths that I can't tell myself.

One of my biggest problems is that I can't vent to anyone. Here I am having the opportunity to free myself from that.

And it's helping me understand and face my situation.

I have big decisions to make. And because I suffer from anxiety, I keep trying to predict and avoid anything. I blame myself a lot and I think I'm responsible for his attitudes. You described it very well.

Listening and recognizing yourself in words is the best exercise of reflection there is.

You are not to blame.  you are not too picky.

And when you say "abandoning him... when he needs me most" you're implying there's going to be some improvement in his behavior, or otherwise his situation in life.  That's highly unlikely, assuming he's a pwBPD.  This is who he is, and if he was not with you, he'd likely be doing the same thing to someone else.  Or ending up in jail when he gets in one fight too many, and someone decides to press charges.  But regardless, none of that is your responsibility to prevent or solve for him. 

You have some tough choices to make, and you're living in a situation that is very toxic. 

He has a demonstrated propensity toward violence, so you need to be extremely careful, and have some plans in place to protect yourself for it/when he directs violence at your person, not just your walls and the things in your place. 

This sounds really scary and unhealthy, and I'm sorry you're in this situation right now. 

[Eva.Flora]

Couscous, thank you!

Here is a helpful quiz you might like to take: https://www.northpointrecovery.com/addiction-quizzes/codependent-quiz/

[SinisterComplex]

PeteWitsend, thank you so much for your words.

I'm having the opportunity to open up and hear the truths that I can't tell myself.

One of my biggest problems is that I can't vent to anyone. Here I am having the opportunity to free myself from that.

And it's helping me understand and face my situation.

I have big decisions to make. And because I suffer from anxiety, I keep trying to predict and avoid anything. I blame myself a lot and I think I'm responsible for his attitudes. You described it very well.

Listening and recognizing yourself in words is the best exercise of reflection there is.

Yes, you can vent here...as much as you need to. Share as much or as little as you want, but know we do have your back here and we are indeed listening. The only thing I want to caution you against is trying to predict anything. That will just create opportunities for more failure and resentment against yourself. You don't have a magic ball and can't see into the future nor can you manipulate how the future plays out. Only focus on what you can control. Which leads me to say please remind yourself that you are only responsible for you and YOU alone. His actions, feelings, thoughts, behaviors, etc are his own and have no bearing on you.

Take your time, continue to post here and work through your feelings and thoughts.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Eva.Flora]

Thanks! I'm trying to find a healthy path for us to follow.

Your words were of great help.

Yes, you can vent here...as much as you need to. Share as much or as little as you want, but know we do have your back here and we are indeed listening. The only thing I want to caution you against is trying to predict anything. That will just create opportunities for more failure and resentment against yourself. You don't have a magic ball and can't see into the future nor can you manipulate how the future plays out. Only focus on what you can control. Which leads me to say please remind yourself that you are only responsible for you and YOU alone. His actions, feelings, thoughts, behaviors, etc are his own and have no bearing on you.

Take your time, continue to post here and work through your feelings and thoughts.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Eva.Flora]

 

Hello everyone,

I'm here to update you on some important changes in my life and also to hear from you some “tips” to move forward.

Last week I spent a few days away from my partner. I took some time and thought about my life.
I wrote him a letter saying several things and that I didn't want to live the way we are living anymore.
We met and talked about some things that were making me sick.
He accepted to seek help, to go to a psychiatrist and to go back to therapy.
On Wednesday we will have the first appointment.

I confess that I'm facing one day at a time, without high expectations, but believing that we can face and improve together.
I decided to try one last time.

After and during the pandemic, crises increased. Definitely a reflection of everything.

I will also go to a psychiatrist and go back to my therapy to rescue myself.
To understand and know how to deal better with everything I'm living.

I would like to know, from your experiences... If he follows the treatment, is it possible that he will get better? Is there hope?
Any “tips” for this beginning of treatment and journey?

Thanks for your attention!

[healthfreedom4s]

It is absolutely possible that he could get better. There is certainly hope.
But don’t expect progress to be linear (meaning steady pace of improvement/progress). It could be ‘2 step forward, 1 step behind’.
If his psychiatrist puts him on medication, it will help to understand the initial side effects. A number of medications have initial side effects for 4 to 6 weeks until the body gets used to it (I gave up medication twice during this period just because my doctor said nothing about initial side effects, I felt the remedy is worse than the problem and gave up).
See if you can identify and créate conditions/ environment where he can have his ‘moments of awareness’. Let me explain. You said you both had a talk - it is a moment/ period of awareness for him. Ideal situation will be extend that moment to longer. For example, my pwBPD feels well if she visits temple/church. When she visits, she would put her worries / problems in front of God and would experience some comfort and healing. That in turn would normally break her cycle of anxiety or hate towards me. See if you can find something for him similar.
Just few thoughts. Wish you all the best.

[Couscous]

Do you have any idea why you don’t want to have a relationship with a healthy person?

[Eva.Flora]

It will definitely be a long road, with many ups and downs.
My partner feels better when he does physical activity. This is therapy for him, I encourage him a lot to practice.
Thanks so much for the tip.

It is absolutely possible that he could get better. There is certainly hope.
But don’t expect progress to be linear (meaning steady pace of improvement/progress). It could be ‘2 step forward, 1 step behind’.
If his psychiatrist puts him on medication, it will help to understand the initial side effects. A number of medications have initial side effects for 4 to 6 weeks until the body gets used to it (I gave up medication twice during this period just because my doctor said nothing about initial side effects, I felt the remedy is worse than the problem and gave up).
See if you can identify and créate conditions/ environment where he can have his ‘moments of awareness’. Let me explain. You said you both had a talk - it is a moment/ period of awareness for him. Ideal situation will be extend that moment to longer. For example, my pwBPD feels well if she visits temple/church. When she visits, she would put her worries / problems in front of God and would experience some comfort and healing. That in turn would normally break her cycle of anxiety or hate towards me. See if you can find something for him similar.
Just few thoughts. Wish you all the best.

[Eva.Flora]

I think the issue is not because I don't want to be in a relationship with a "healthy" person, because I really want to be in a healthy relationship. I've already asked myself the question: Why am I still here?
And I'll be very honest, because I love him. I took the test about codependency and I identified with many points.
I'm definitely in a codependic relationship.
Our relationship is not only made of bad times, there are many good times. They are the ones that make me want to keep going, because my partner shows me that he is trying to improve. But your question made me reflect a lot and I confess that what I want most is to be in a healthy relationship.
Maybe it takes me a while to understand all this. I am seeking psychological and psychiatric help for myself as well. I hope these professionals help me understand all this confusion and follow the best way possible.

Do you have any idea why you don’t want to have a relationship with a healthy person?

[Eva.Flora]

I've been thinking about your comment all day. Am I too naive to believe in love?

Do you have any idea why you don’t want to have a relationship with a healthy person?

[Couscous]

You deserve better. You really, really do.

[Cat Familiar]

We ask that members not suggest that others should leave their relationships. Members post here to find solutions to challenging problems and need the opportunity to come to decisions on their own about their relationships.

[Couscous]

We ask that members not suggest that others should leave their relationships. Members post here to find solutions to challenging problems and need the opportunity to come to decisions on their own about their relationships.

I understand. Which is why I didn’t suggest that she leave.