Four years

[Hyacinth Bucket]

It's been several years since I posted on here. Almost four years ago my now ex-husband and I had to cut off all contact with our udBPD daughter. She was addicted to meth and had spent the prior two or so years absolutely torturing us. I was diagnosed with PTSD a couple of years ago. I almost ruined myself trying to help her. Setting boundaries just made her scarier. Addiction paired with this disease is terrifying.

We adopted her out of foster care as a teenager. I had volunteered with her for a couple of years and I knew there was a 50/50 shot of it turning out badly. I don't think I could have predicted how badly.

I went almost 18 months without hearing from her. She only has my email address and unfortunately found me on Instagram. She sent me and my ex husband an onslaught of abusive messages last night. It's really a heartbreaking situation because she had horrific abuse in her childhood, went through a couple dozen foster homes. I knew she would try to push us away and I hung in for as long as I possibly could. I didn't want to be another person who abandoned her. Which hnaturally is all she sees and feels. I hate that it came to this.

My very dumb ex husband accepted a friend request from her on Instagram last year but never messaged her. So she was able to find out that we got divorced and worse, see photos of him with his new girlfriend and her son. I can't imagine how that made her feel. He still has never blocked her even though she spent a couple of weeks leaving screaming voicemails on his phone in the middle of the night.

I know many of you are grieving being cut off by your children. I have had profound grief from having to cut her off while also dealing with pretty severe PTSD. I don't ever want to have contact with her again. Even if she got treatment which I don't believe will ever happen. I wish there was any chance of her being healthy and leaving me alone. That probably sounds awful but I can't describe the levels of hell she put us through (I don't think I have to as many of you are well aware).

I just wanted to vent to people who understand. Thanks for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Well hello again Hyacinth Bucket!

This is another "oldtimer" and I do remember welcoming you onto the forum way-back-then and commenting on the moniker you chose.  What not to smile about when one has watched that English gem "Keeping Up Appearances" and the main character having that name?

I remember, too, thinking what a special person it is (you being one of them) who takes on a child (not their own!) with problems.  For what it is worth, my hat goes off to you.

It was not so long ago a Newbie's post included pondering what happened to people who over the years dropped off of this forum.  I, myself, got used to seeing certain names...then felt a certain sadness when seeing them no more.  I believe there is a life-span of participating here.  For sure, though, there are people like you and me who have backed off but still drop in for a look...and maybe a comment.

I not only wanted to say hello to you but the last paragraph in your post spurred me on to comment...to tell you I relate to what you say.   While our journey with our now 55 year old ubpd daughter has been different, it has been just as eventful...just as hurtful.

She first ran away when she was just 12 and that was at the time a serial killer of young teens was active in our area.  She ran 4 times and when she got too old for that, she would cut us out of her life and out of the lives of her children.  Over the years of drama surrounding her life we helped bring up our only 2 grandchildren.  We opened our wallets.  When times were good, they could be very good but inevitably would come the time when the shoe would drop and we would be broadsided by her anger...always confused as to why/what.

So now we are living through yet another period of being estranged...now 6 years. While I sometimes fantasize a reconciliation, I soon recoil.  Could it be that I, too, suffer from PTSD?  What kind of reconciliation could ever take place knowing her anger sustained through one of the darkest times of history...Covid...a time when seniors (and we are very senior) were deemed to be the most vulnerable?

While our daughter will always be on our minds and in our hearts, we move on knowing that we did the best we could with our troubled child...did better when we knew better.    What more could be asked of anyone in any circumstance.  I hope you can feel the same way.   

((HUGS)  to you, Hyacinth.  We carry on!

Huat