Seeking mental support, a band-aid for the scars

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi, well I’ve never thought I’d be here to write about my experiences. To introduce myself quickly:

I’m 26 years old and I’ve been in a relationship two years long with my ex girlfriend who has BPD and narcissistic traits.

I’m here to seek actively mental support because this relationship has been really though for me mentally. The marks that this relationship left on me are incredibly deep and sensitive.
I’m going to a psychologist since a year ago to process everything I went through. Although she advised me to seek support too from people who went through a (mental) abusive relationship too with a pwBPD.

By going into conversations with my therapist, I found out that there were also characteristics of me that contributed to maintaining this type of relationship. For example, we can say that I was very insecure in myself and often seek confirmation from my partner. Apparently, I am sensitive to affirmation from others, which makes it easier to be affected by the idealization and devaluation of the pwbpd. It also quickly became clear that I often want to fix, repair, help others that came about through enmeshment in my childhood. This quickly put me in a codependent relationship, something that is also fundamental to pwpbd.

I don't regret this relationship, because there are a lot of things that are clear with me now, I have found myself again so to speak. Discovered myself, who I am, what my qualities are in life. I am very grateful that it has brought me so much knowledge and self-awareness.

The only thing that is difficult is the fact that it did hurt me a lot somewhere. I have been hurt so much and I am afraid that I will carry it into my next relationship.
I also have immense anger towards my ex because she turns everything around. She says that she has gone through psychological abuse, that she is traumatized by the relationship, that I am unstable and mentally ill. Basically complete projection, repulsion, and everything that goes with it. It is so frustrating to hear that she takes no part in the relationship, not even 1%. It's hard to hear how she sees herself as a victim so much and that she never did anything wrong. Meanwhile, I have to process the years of gaslighting from her. It made me feel like I was worth nothing, like I didn't deserve the good in life, that she was allowed to be the only source of my happiness. She was so often angry when I went to meet up with friends and family. She was angry every time I didn't give her enough love because she thought I was a bad partner. There was never anything good enough. I know I craved her recognition and her love, that made me accept a lot of bad behavior from her. It caused it to completely control me. Because that's what she did, she completely controlled me by denigrating me, keeping me small and making me feel bad for who I was.
This created very dark thoughts in me, thought it was better that I was no longer there in this world. I thought I was worth nothing, as she made me feel. I had a huge network of friends before, but it seemed to disappear during that relationship with her. I'm glad I picked it back up. I feel tremendously supported by my friends and family. I am very happy that they are always there for me.

I know that deep down she is not a bad person, nor am I saying that people with bpd and narcissistic traits are bad per se. What I am saying is that I have been left with huge scars from their issues. Relationships with people with a personality disorder are extremely challenging.

This situation with her was not healthy at all. I was wondering, can anyone give me tips on how to accept it? This whole relationship, that she had borderline with narcissistic features, that this happened? How do you deal with this? I may also be looking for confirmation somewhere that others have gone through this. I long for a band-aid of soft words. A plaster that heals me, for a piece that seems untraceable. Thank you for listening and I appreciate your effort.

[pepperdragger]

Hi, well I’ve never thought I’d be here to write about my experiences. To introduce myself quickly:

I’m 26 years old and I’ve been in a relationship two years long with my ex girlfriend who has BPD and narcissistic traits.

I’m here to seek actively mental support because this relationship has been really though for me mentally. The marks that this relationship left on me are incredibly deep and sensitive.
I’m going to a psychologist since a year ago to process everything I went through. Although she advised me to seek support too from people who went through a (mental) abusive relationship too with a pwBPD.

By going into conversations with my therapist, I found out that there were also characteristics of me that contributed to maintaining this type of relationship. For example, we can say that I was very insecure in myself and often seek confirmation from my partner. Apparently, I am sensitive to affirmation from others, which makes it easier to be affected by the idealization and devaluation of the pwbpd. It also quickly became clear that I often want to fix, repair, help others that came about through enmeshment in my childhood. This quickly put me in a codependent relationship, something that is also fundamental to pwpbd.

I don't regret this relationship, because there are a lot of things that are clear with me now, I have found myself again so to speak. Discovered myself, who I am, what my qualities are in life. I am very grateful that it has brought me so much knowledge and self-awareness.

The only thing that is difficult is the fact that it did hurt me a lot somewhere. I have been hurt so much and I am afraid that I will carry it into my next relationship.
I also have immense anger towards my ex because she turns everything around. She says that she has gone through psychological abuse, that she is traumatized by the relationship, that I am unstable and mentally ill. Basically complete projection, repulsion, and everything that goes with it. It is so frustrating to hear that she takes no part in the relationship, not even 1%. It's hard to hear how she sees herself as a victim so much and that she never did anything wrong. Meanwhile, I have to process the years of gaslighting from her. It made me feel like I was worth nothing, like I didn't deserve the good in life, that she was allowed to be the only source of my happiness. She was so often angry when I went to meet up with friends and family. She was angry every time I didn't give her enough love because she thought I was a bad partner. There was never anything good enough. I know I craved her recognition and her love, that made me accept a lot of bad behavior from her. It caused it to completely control me. Because that's what she did, she completely controlled me by denigrating me, keeping me small and making me feel bad for who I was.
This created very dark thoughts in me, thought it was better that I was no longer there in this world. I thought I was worth nothing, as she made me feel. I had a huge network of friends before, but it seemed to disappear during that relationship with her. I'm glad I picked it back up. I feel tremendously supported by my friends and family. I am very happy that they are always there for me.

I know that deep down she is not a bad person, nor am I saying that people with bpd and narcissistic traits are bad per se. What I am saying is that I have been left with huge scars from their issues. Relationships with people with a personality disorder are extremely challenging.

This situation with her was not healthy at all. I was wondering, can anyone give me tips on how to accept it? This whole relationship, that she had borderline with narcissistic features, that this happened? How do you deal with this? I may also be looking for confirmation somewhere that others have gone through this. I long for a band-aid of soft words. A plaster that heals me, for a piece that seems untraceable. Thank you for listening and I appreciate your effort.

[ThatFLGuy]

Thanks for opening up about your experience. I've been married to my BPDw for almost 19 years now and am just now realizing how this experience has opened up trauma caused by my childhood. Your description of needing to fix or please others and landing in a codependent relationship really hit home with me.
I'm glad for you that you've realized this so young so you can learn from it now instead of carrying it around for too long. Good luck with your therapy and I'm sure others on this site can offer much better advice.

[alterK]

An experience like this is indeed painful, and sadly there is no magic formula for cure. Still, you have already begun to take the steps necessary to heal.

Working on understanding, of both yourself and your (ex) partner is very important. One thing that is difficult to accept is that it's very unlikely that your partner will ever share that understanding. You will be longing to have conversations with her, rehearsing those conversations in your head, thinking of messages to send--we all do it. We know they would be futile if we tried to do them with the other person, but they are part of the way we process our experiences in our own heads.

The most important ingredient is time. And acceptance. Accept that these difficult feelings and thoughts, that your pain is part of the deal. Continue with your therapy, and this process will continue and the pain will become less.

If you read some of the other posts on these boards you will realize that you are actually further along the road to recovery than many people whose struggles are played out here. Have confidence in yourself and your ability to heal.

[pepperdragger]

An experience like this is indeed painful, and sadly there is no magic formula for cure. Still, you have already begun to take the steps necessary to heal.

Working on understanding, of both yourself and your (ex) partner is very important. One thing that is difficult to accept is that it's very unlikely that your partner will ever share that understanding. You will be longing to have conversations with her, rehearsing those conversations in your head, thinking of messages to send--we all do it. We know they would be futile if we tried to do them with the other person, but they are part of the way we process our experiences in our own heads.

The most important ingredient is time. And acceptance. Accept that these difficult feelings and thoughts, that your pain is part of the deal. Continue with your therapy, and this process will continue and the pain will become less.

If you read some of the other posts on these boards you will realize that you are actually further along the road to recovery than many people whose struggles are played out here. Have confidence in yourself and your ability to heal.

Hi AlterK

I think my exwPBD broke up with me countless times in those 2 years, and 3 times where we actually really broke up and didn't see each other again. However each time she begged to come back, I relented. (I read I’m not the only one who did that, to come back several times). We then really talked about her behavior and each time she promised to change. Unfortunately, each time this did not last more than a month to function back in her BPD comfort zone.

I no longer desire conversations with her as my energy to make her see the light has run out. Acceptance seems to me to be one of the last steps in my process. It is so hard for me anyway, because I so wish she was different and that things had turned out differently. I really wanted this relationship to work out and be happy. I try not to blame myself for not being mentally stronger. But I am also only human and only very few people can maintain a long relationship with someone who has BPD, because such relationships are extremely challenging and exhausting. 

I believe in myself and my ability to continue in my life. I want to move on with my life, close chapter and end all connection with her.

Thank you, for listening.
 

[pepperdragger]

Thanks for opening up about your experience. I've been married to my BPDw for almost 19 years now and am just now realizing how this experience has opened up trauma caused by my childhood. Your description of needing to fix or please others and landing in a codependent relationship really hit home with me.
I'm glad for you that you've realized this so young so you can learn from it now instead of carrying it around for too long. Good luck with your therapy and I'm sure others on this site can offer much better advice.

Hi GregInFL

I am astonished that you’ve been married 19 years to your WwBPD. I am wondering how you can keep up for so long?

Yes I am young to realize all this and I am so happy I’ve found this platform to share my experience.

Anyway I wish you lots of courage. Look after your mental health.

[alterK]

Part of the problem is that if you are at all in tune with your partner, you  sense the sadness and fear that underlies their difficult behavior. You care about them, love them, and don't want to be cruel. Yet they can't help repeating the behavior that makes your relationship with them impossible.

It's indeed a dilemma, and so we keep coming back, giving them another chance, trying again, trying to work out some better strategy for coping, hoping to get a better response. The only time this works is the rare occasion where that person is themself getting effective treatment, and this usually takes years.

Sooner or later we reach a point where we know we can legitimately say we've had enough. That doesn't mean we don't continue to feel pain, but at least we can look forward to the pain diminishing over time. You pain will become less. Give yourself time.

[sam_the_wise]

My man! This is exactly what is happening with me in real time. She is diagnosed with BPD and yet she denies any part in anything bad that has happened in our relationship. She is the victim, she is the gaslighted, I am the worst partner on the earth. Nothing is ever good for her, she finds faults in everything. I crave for her recognition and it allows her to disparage me. If I stand up to her when she is projecting or splitting I am an arrogant selfish person. If I say I want to leave, I am a deserter. There is no winning it. There is nothing you can do except stay there while they try to heal themselves through therapy. And yet while it is happening they will still blame you for everything. So it happened with me and it astonishes me that so much of your experience is exactly matching what is happening with me. You are not alone! I feel you.

[ThatFLGuy]

My man! This is exactly what is happening with me in real time.

Same...I'm pretty new here but as I start to read more of these stories I realize I'm not alone in this struggle. That alone has helped me immensely in the last few days. I imagine if we all got together how similar our experiences would be!

Good luck all!

[judee]

AlterK this is it exactly... and so painful to feel that my ex CAN and IS actually cruel... he seems to have no trouble with it.
I do realise that most people are not like this and would at some point empathize with the one they love regardless.
It still goes beyond my understanding how he can also be so kind sometimes. An what exactly happens that makes him so ruthless.

[judee]

pepper dragger,

Everything you are going through is normal after a BPD relationship...and it resonates with me as well... there are so many ( small and big) things that are hard to explain but usually if you at least have once been in a 'normal' relationship you know the difference and you know something is terribly off. That is why it will be so helpful to read stories here and to tell yours, you'll see so many of the same BPD patterns.
I don't think you will necessarily drag them into a new relationship, you learn and recognise what a person is built like pretty quick. it might be a good thing to ask if they were ever diagnosed though
With me, I think I was in a long healthy relationship twice.. one lasted four years, one 11 years.
it at least gave me a reference to recognise better that the things I am going through now with my ex w BPD , and you are going through , don't fit that category.