What does healthy conflict resolution ACTUALLY look like?

[orders4946]

I have been married to my highly functioning undiagnosed BPD for 6 years - together for 10.

We have never resolved conflict in a healthy way.  It feels to me like I live within 'approved' parameters for our daily life (we see who she wants, when she wants, does whatever she prefers) and any differing opinion from me is met with gradually increasing levels of manipulation (she uses guilt, tantrums etc) to get her preferred way.  It feels like my boundaries are continually pushed, and even if I stand firm she sulks.

Eventually to keep the peace I concede to her demands but I am left feeling resentful because I am frightened to bring up things I want in case it sets her off.  The resentment builds until my tank overflows and I react really angrily the next time.  At that point she escalates even more by deliberately saying hurtful things that have no relevance to the issue.  For example, yesterday, I wanted to invite my mother over to spend time with my kids but she refused and when I was cross about it (it is a long-standing issue) she escalates by saying hurtful things about my brother and mother's partner (mocking me by saying "oh please be my dad" etc).

How does conflict escalate and be resolved in a normal relationship?  I'm so conditioned by our craziness that I have no semblance of normality.  I read on the internet what 'normal' is but I'm not sure whether that is a false, idealistic view and not the reality of most relationships.

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[Jabiru]

Hi orders4946 How is healthy conflict resolution with your friends or coworkers for example? Do you let them treat you badly and concede to them? Probably not, or you wouldn't stay friends. Instead, you either compromise or let it be. Both can be good outcomes.

"Yes, but my wife has BPD." Your wife is an adult, BPD or not. Conceding to her tantrums will enable her unwanted behavior. Be consistent with your boundaries and she'll see their importance to you. Start small and work your way to bigger boundaries. Maybe start with boundaries against verbal abuse. If hurtful things are said against you or your family, say you need an hour break and simply exit the room. No need to explain yourself. It can feel slow, but keep at it and things will get better. You'll gain confidence and take back the life you want to live. I recommend the book Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist for more on this transformation. Thoughts?

[Cat Familiar]

You’ve got some longstanding patterns going on and from your post, the most obvious strategy you employ is to acquiesce. This makes her feel like she’s won and her manipulative tactics have been effective.

To get out of this cycle of conflict, you have to hold firm to your boundaries, not give up when she escalates—otherwise you are training her to up the ante anytime she wants something.

Why not take the kids somewhere to see your mother?

To change patterns you’ll likely experience extinction bursts, where she gets angrier and angrier in an attempt to get you to back down from what you want to do. If you give in, then you’ve confirmed to her that her anger is effective.

One of the most difficult things for partners of people with BPD is to learn to let their insults and guilt trips have no effect. If you can keep this up (you have to be 100%), they will eventually quit trying to use an ineffective strategy. So what if she sulks? She doesn’t seem to be concerned about your emotions; why should you be concerned about her sulking?

[zachira]

I have often admired couples who have been married for decades who are still happily married and who obviously have loving relationships with their children and grandchildren. There are plenty of conflicts in these families; the difference lies in that the conflicts are out in the open, and every family member is treated with respect despite the conflicts which are sometimes resolved and oftentimes not resolved due to differences in personality and life styles.
I have many disordered family members who have zero conflict resolution skills and who surround themselves with people who will do what they want. There are several marriages in which one spouse gets their way nearly all the time, and the other spouse goes along. It seems you have come to a point, in which you are no longer willing to let your wife have her way all the time. The challenge will be to set some boundaries with her, endure her anger as she adjusts or does not adjust to the changes in your relationship with her. What kind of boundaries would you consider setting with your wife?

[thankful person]

Brilliant advice from Jabiru, Cat and Zachira as always! I just wanted to say I have been through this process the last year of learning to stand up to my wife and take the power back. It has been amazing and my wife now respects me more and doesn’t have screeching tantrums like she used to (well she does but much more rare and shorter lasting). I’m still surprised how much she has changed (she hasn’t been having therapy or anything it is purely in response to me changing my behaviour and communication). It has been a long road and she did get worse for a while but then things got better. I also recommend the caretaking book and their other one is “raising resilient children with a borderline or narcissist”. Good luck with it!

[15years]

Actually thought about starting a similar post recently. I think to really learn the answer to your question, you'd have to experience a long romantic r/s with a person who hasn't got a personality disorder. But maybe we can learn a healthy responses at least.

Have you seen this music video by Billie Eilish? I think it's a realistic portrayal of how it feels to be in an abusive relationship. Billie is in the role of the abuser in this song, but according to a few of her other songs she's the victim of an abusive relationship. I'm a little unsure whether that's true or not (or both). She could be bpd and see herself as a victim. Great artist though.
https://youtu.be/skHbZBsS7hM

[LifewithEase]

You articulated my experience so well.

And posters: like Jabiru, Cat and Zachira share strong advice.

I've read Stop Caretaking the Borderline, which I can't recommend enough.

As I slowly work on this, my uBPDw resorts to

- "drive-by" insults and baiting;
- mild tantrums that impact the who family
- insults & dismissing me in front of the kids (where it is hard to not JADE so they don't think her reality is truth);
- double standard whip lash (don't eat the fruit, why did you let the fruit go bad, the fruit I bought was for my use, you never feed the kids fruit / "I don't want your sister over," "I'm thinking we all go see my mother tomorrow";
- silent treatments.

Just to name a few.

Maybe like you, I'm just completely exhausted, burned out and it is hard for me to find the emotional energy to build the necessary boundaries.

It is hard enough to do it in the moment when she is triggered or I'm trying not to JADE but the energy it takes to constantly scan the environment and monitor her mode/mood to proactively and positively have constructive conversations... I'm resort to withdrawal.

Or a window opens up where everything is aligned: no kids around, no daily / work / school stress, time of day, and her mode/mood is positive and I just want to enjoy the rare calm. Many times this is when she is at her best, the person I fell in love with and I just don't want to trigger or have more chaos.

[judee]

Just a note to answer your question in the title... I was in a healthy relationship of 11 years , way before my exw bpd came around.
I can tell the difference very clearly, when it comes to resolving an argument.
With my healthy ex and me things could get on fire, yes,, but maybe once a month. When it happened, he would often walk out because he would be so angry. I let him , because I trusted it was not a manipulative act, it was just it was too much for him ( tbh I understood sometimes I was impossible) ALWAYS .. after like 30minutes or an hour either him or me would return and start with something like : babe I really love you , I don't want to fight any more.
Resulting in us talking about the issue again, in a calmer manner. Usually we were both more able to open up about our part in it and hear the other one's side.
I once said that it really hurt me when he walked out on me. After that we made two rules for whenever we landed into an argument : 1. We would never call eachother names 2. We can walk out, but we always come back. We stuck to it, and that worked.

This is a massive difference with my now exwBPD.. it feels like he is taking 6 detours, and I go along with these insane crevices of his mind thinking this is nuts.
he walks out expecting me to get back to him, uses silent treatments, ignores, hangs up without re-addressing and most of all, is vindictive and deflective. Whenever something comes up with, his situation is worse. I think it is typical BPD.
It drives the other person to despair ( and sometimes unhealthy behaviour) as well.

[judee]

Also, with my healthy ex, arguments rarely took longer than a few hours before we were able to resolve them. Even laugh about them again.
another big difference with my ex w BPD... it goes on for days, weeks ... until it becomes the new normal

[zondolit]

judee's comments made me realize how much I long for conflicts to be resolved and problems solved, and it's so hard--probably for anyone but especially when you add in BPD.

One of our marriage therapists told my spouse and I we aren't good at repair. She is right.

But with my children it is a different story! I've worked hard on this and am proud of it. My dad told me children learn to apologize by seeing their parents and other adults around them apologize. I took this to heart and regularly go to my children--often at bedtime--to say I'm sorry for losing my cool or speaking too harshly or not paying enough attention, etc.

I wrote about a camping trip I took with my children two weeks ago. There was a lot of conflict because my spouse had wanted to join us and his behavior was hounding and harassing and included the children. Despite not having him on the trip, his behaviors were traumatic and we were all still dealing with it and thus quick to take it out on each other. But we were able to repair these hurts! It was hard and took some time but with apologies, hugs, tears, and listening we got it all back together. And that is wonderful. So with my children I've experienced how conflict, with repair, can make relationships stronger.

[15years]

So with my children I've experienced how conflict, with repair, can make relationships stronger.

True. I get really stressed in the mornings when me and S6 get ready to leave, because honestly we're both a little slow and don't prioritize enough to be on time. Sometimes I loose my cool and can be a little harsh to him, and I'm totally aware of the fact that I'm out of line. Yesterday before bed I told him I want us to cooperate tomorrow when I wake him up, and I apologized for being mean to him sometimes. He told me "Yes, you should be nicer". In these types of conversations/resolutions I too can feel how our r/s grows stronger. With pwbpd it's different in a weird way. It's very very sad that they can't experience the happy feeling you get from these resolutions where you really see each other.