Wound Is Still Fresh

[AdRock]

I’ve been struggling this weekend. I’m not sure why. I was pretty upbeat a few days ago and then the next day, all the hurt just came back. This inability I have to let go of her. I guess deep down it’s because I still want to reconcile and I have no control over that.
Lately I wonder if she was ever diagnosed and doesn’t talk about it. I’m not sure if that would matter or not for my situation. It lately makes me wonder if I’m the more screwed up of the two of us. No one I’ve talked to agrees with me there but maybe I’m wrong about everything. Maybe my hunches about her life are off base and I don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m just all turned around today.

[Zoa]

Getting over a bpd is painful.  The best way to do it is learn from others who have been through it.  Determining what she gave you that you are missing and learning to give yourself that helps. Best wishes

[DarkKnight]

Yes I had a relapse myself this weekend.  I am less than 30 days from the ending of my relationship with my pwBPD - and I have some days in a good place and other days it comes back.  Everyone keeps saying time heals all wounds-- so just keeping busy --- hit the gym often and stay in shape, call friends and find ways to get out and be with people.  It works-- and I believe will eventually get over it.  Also started a rehab project at home when I am alone--- keep trying to work on yourself-- we are all here for each other !

[SinisterComplex]

Yes I had a relapse myself this weekend.  I am less than 30 days from the ending of my relationship with my pwBPD - and I have some days in a good place and other days it comes back.  Everyone keeps saying time heals all wounds-- so just keeping busy --- hit the gym often and stay in shape, call friends and find ways to get out and be with people.  It works-- and I believe will eventually get over it.  Also started a rehab project at home when I am alone--- keep trying to work on yourself-- we are all here for each other !

Truly keeping busy and letting time and the universe do their thing will make things easier on you for sure. If you actively try to push things along or try to skip steps you will just make the process take longer.

Keep your head up and we are always around here listening and paying attention.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[AdRock]

I appreciate the support.  And yes, working on ourselves is the best response to a situation such as this (as everyone on this board knows), most especially when you are dealing with an individual who reappears out of the woodwork throughout your life.  I've been telling myself I've been doing that.  But I'm not certain I'm doing as well as I've been telling myself I have.
One thing I do when I'm rejected, I reach out to ANYONE who will listen to me or see me.  It's natural, you're hurt and heartbroken and need someone to hear your side of things, remind you of what's real, what's in your head, what you don't know.  I did a lot of that this summer.  In some ways, it appears healthy.  But eventually, where I'm finding myself now, you have to learn to sit with the hurt sometimes.  If it's a crisis level event where you feel self-destructive, of course, you need to reach out to someone.  But if it just hurts and you can't stand the lack of clarity or how to see a path forward, sometimes you just have to sit with it and accept it as what you're feeling.  This month I found myself doing that more.  Trying not to pester people just because I'm lonely and miss her.  But trying to force myself to sit with it alone.  I don't know if that's the best approach.  One thing I'm jealous of her about is her ability to just attract attention.  She doesn't see it that way but she's very good at it.  Perhaps why I'm trying to take the opposite approach to a degree.  To realize that sometimes you have to be alone even if you don't really want to be.

[Zoa]

Being alone in peace is better than with someone in chaos

[brighter future]

Being alone in peace is better than with someone in chaos

Truer words have never been spoken! My former therapist told me a couple of years ago after I went through the breakup with my ex that "Living with a (mentally) sick person can make you sick as well."

During the last year with my ex, my anxiety and blood pressure was through the roof and I was sleeping very little at night. Most days I struggled to find the energy to get up for work and do common every day tasks and felt plain rotten.  I was also mildly depressed. After a year and a half of therapy, and almost 2-1/2 years of time (since the split), I feel exactly the opposite.

Best wishes to you for peace and comfort, AdRock.

[judee]

Wise words. I take them to heart, it is exactly where I am now.
My exw bpd just dysregulated after I asked if he wanted to talk tonight or break up again? (I was broken up with three times during a 40 minute text convo, we haven't even really gotten together yet oyy)
He cursed , said 'F you , I never want to see you again , you're sick' etc..
I just sit there and said  'I guess this is what dysregulation looks like'  after which he blocked me. I realise how much of my tolerance has got to do with me being used to unsafe situations in childhood.
Honestly I am afraid he is going to hurt himself now and thinking even to sms him to ask him to please be ok and I forgive him .
But my healthy people brain side is thinking that when I do, I accept his horror behaviour. I am just genuinely concerned.


Adrock, I think when you think that you are more screwed up it says you actually aren't.. I know these thoughts. I do think, entering a relationship with someone with any kind of personality disorder, says something about the boundaries you ( and I, don't ) have..however wanting it back when you know it is toxic is in itself human I think. Idealizing the past, forgetting how bad it actually was until we are back in it.

[tina7868]

But eventually, where I'm finding myself now, you have to learn to sit with the hurt sometimes.  If it's a crisis level event where you feel self-destructive, of course, you need to reach out to someone.  But if it just hurts and you can't stand the lack of clarity or how to see a path forward, sometimes you just have to sit with it and accept it as what you're feeling.  This month I found myself doing that more.  Trying not to pester people just because I'm lonely and miss her.  But trying to force myself to sit with it alone. 

I think I'm at the same place myself. I think this quiet acceptance you describe is the space where you grow. It's where you realize that, although you can be comforted by other people who care about you, you can be there for yourself.

I guess deep down it’s because I still want to reconcile and I have no control over that.

It's okay to feel the way you feel. It's okay to be where you are. Recognizing that you have this desire is better than burying it.

I understand and feel the change of emotions that you describe as well. I am trying to just go with it and plan some things to look forward to each day (trying a new recipe, going out with friends, working out).

[AdRock]

To tina, I'm trying to think of things to plan to look forward to.  I'm very anxious for fall because I can't stand the summer and fall has always been my favorite season.  I struggle with depression and anhedonia so a problem I have at the moment is I don't really have a lot of natural desire at the moment.  I'm trying to lean on the people who care about me but I'm trying not to sound like a broken record, especially when someone is talking to me about something more important.  For example, my father is having some mild health issues.  Nothing serious, but it's hard watching your parents age.  But even talking to him about it or talking to my mother about her stress and worry about it (since my mom worries about everything), even when I'm having these conversations, and genuinely concerned about my parents, she is still on my brain and that thinking about what she is doing.  I know it's ok to feel what I feel but it makes me feel like a jerk when my own heartache is occupying my brain when two people who treat me much better are in pain.
To judee, maybe I'm less screwed up.  I have to remember I am screwed up but trying to be better.  I have read your posts and sometimes I get jealous as I get jealous of others on these boards, that there is still contact or contact resumed.  I think for me, I have not forgotten the bad times (believe me, I recount them in my head daily, especially with her drinking and some of the horror shows that resulted).  But for whatever reason, they don't negate the happy times I felt.  The quiet times, sitting in a movie with her and cuddling, holding her on her couch and watching tv.  There was a night we had rented a hotel room.  She got super drunk before and honestly out of respect to her I don't want to even go into the details.  But she fell asleep about an hour after we got to the room and I spent most of the night drinking in the room and watching her telling myself "I can't do this anymore".  I went out and got some food because I knew she would wake up in the middle of the night.  I drank some more and watched her more trying to tell myself what I had to do.  But the next day, I woke up, showered.  She woke up and I looked at her and I couldn't.  Because I still wanted her.  We had a nice sober day after that.  Got breakfast, went to the mall and the movies.  It's this two sides of things that is messing with me.  Having vivid memories of the good and bad and still wanting her.
I know everyone gets why.  She made me feel alive.  And I have to find a way to feel that way alone.  And not be angry with her.  I can't be angry with her.  There is plenty I could be about but I care about her and her daughter and I don't want to feel that way.  It brings me to my own super dark place that scares me.

[tina7868]

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling with mental ill health. Have you considered taking steps to see a professional? Sometimes it feels like, yes, the heartbreak is a valid source of sadness and conflict, but it's also a distraction or a symptom of other things that are going on inside.

I know everyone gets why.  She made me feel alive. 

Yes, indeed, I get what you mean.

[AdRock]

Yes I'm in therapy as we speak.  I've been seeing different ones for several years.  I'm trying to medication.  I know it helps and is something I should continue to do for a long while.  It has given me a greater insight into myself and why I do the things I do.  I know logically, I should be single for a while.  I don't like admitting that but I know I'll compare any relationship to what I was feeling with her and that is unfair to myself and anyone else.  I know I have unhealthy habits and patterns and I'm trying to do better.  I'm impatient by nature (which is surprises many when I tell them because I seem to come off as rather calm and collected) so it's hard for me to be patient with myself.  But I'm trying.

[tina7868]

It sounds like you are on the right track! You seem to be putting in the work towards a better future. The intermittent inconsistent reinforcement, and the rollercoaster of emotions associated with these types of relationships (in general) should be acknowledged as factors at play when it comes to your healing.

If at times it hurts, it's okay, you're sharing your feelings in the right place. What would you say your short term goals are?

[AdRock]

I would say for the moment my short term goals are to work on my sobriety, get promoted to a livable income, relearn to enjoy my time alone again, not to isolate myself from the world, and to be a better person and version of myself.
In short, live a life I can stand and has some personal meaning to me.

[Goosey]

I have come to the conclusion it’s a defense mechanism for the bpd to just paint the other as the culprit for all maybe. I struggled with that and tried to defend but it’s really a waste of time. If that’s what they need to feel better somehow I’ll  take that.
    I sympathize with your pain. I was there. It gets easier. I know that may seem impossible but it’s true.