Constructive Dismissal?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi! I've been posting back and forward for years between bettering and detaching as I try to find a peaceful balance between not abandoning somebody in pain and living a happy life. Over the last five years me and my thrice recycled partner wBPD have had many dramas chronicled on this board, but for almost a year we seemed to have settled into a relatively drama-free LDR. Yes, it was hard to get there, but I had become quite contented, enjoying my alone time as well as our together time, the more so as we seemed to both be working towards a future together when we retire (which is not too many years away).

She has left therapy for what seemed like valid reasons at the time, has worked hard on her DBT skills, and was doing really well rebuilding her life. Yes, she still has BPD, but we communicate well, she will apologize and also be compassionate when I have something to be sorry for. She stopped dysregulating with me which was my big boundary although she still struggles with her social relationships with other people. I decided that is not my problem as long as she treats me well. I get along well with her family, and we were slowly gaining acceptance for our weird relationship. And we have had great fun together.

Now I should have known it was too good to last. She has gone on what looks like the biggest dysregulation of all time (without, that is, shouting at me at all) More like BPD-waif . She has dissappeared for a week to an undisclosed location, communicates erratically if at all, refused to tell me where she was going or with whom, and when I pressed her she responded (very politely) with something that is almost certainly a lie. This is after I nursed her through a stroke two years ago and a hospital stay last year with a misdiagnosed Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizure (PNES). She has been well for months, but obviously not the kind of person who should be travelling around in undisclosed locations with strangers. Simply the worry about her safety is driving me mad. Then there is a history of triangulation which I thought we were past, but is obviously always an issue in LDR. I mean, I would rather she is alive than faithful but resent even having to think about such a choice in my primary love relationship.

Now in my country, we have a category in labour law called 'constructive dismissal'. That is when an employer makes life so impossible for the employee to do their work that in effect it ranks as a dismissal in the eyes of the law. My question is: this feels like a constructive dismissal, right? I mean, my life goals are simple: lead a quiet life, sort out my head in therapy, save for retirement and make sure my living arrangements are such that I will be taken care of when I am old. I am coping with inherited and acquired C-PTSD, not made any easier by my history of abusive relationships. My family was so mad it took A LOT for me to even recognize stuff as abuse, so I have been really working on 'normal'izing my expectations. I have had enough drama for several lifetimes and really just want to relax and enjoy life.  Not that hard right? I really don't think I could handle this kind of excitement as I age, nor would I want to. I don't hate myself that much.

But also I feel myself reading the signals. If I did this to someone else I would be communicating that I do not value them and do not want to be in a relationship with them. Certainly not a relationship which should be characterized by care and compassion. But I don't have BPD.

So I would welcome your take? Is this a constructive dismissal? Is this the time to bow out gracefully? The thing with LDR is that it is almost ridiculously easy, we hold no property or children together so it is really as simple as not answering the phone and changing my plans for the next few months. I love this woman and I sure hope we will be friends forever but personally what I am feeling for myself is a period of NC followed by polite and courteous LC.

Let me hear your thoughts?Thanks for these boards, as always! I see so much healing happening here and I certainly have gotten so much better in my years here.  

[khibomsis]

Hi! I've been posting back and forward for years between bettering and detaching as I try to find a peaceful balance between not abandoning somebody in pain and living a happy life. Over the last five years me and my thrice recycled partner wBPD have had many dramas chronicled on this board, but for almost a year we seemed to have settled into a relatively drama-free LDR. Yes, it was hard to get there, but I had become quite contented, enjoying my alone time as well as our together time, the more so as we seemed to both be working towards a future together when we retire (which is not too many years away).

She has left therapy for what seemed like valid reasons at the time, has worked hard on her DBT skills, and was doing really well rebuilding her life. Yes, she still has BPD, but we communicate well, she will apologize and also be compassionate when I have something to be sorry for. She stopped dysregulating with me which was my big boundary although she still struggles with her social relationships with other people. I decided that is not my problem as long as she treats me well. I get along well with her family, and we were slowly gaining acceptance for our weird relationship. And we have had great fun together.

Now I should have known it was too good to last. She has gone on what looks like the biggest dysregulation of all time (without, that is, shouting at me at all) More like BPD-waif . She has dissappeared for a week to an undisclosed location, communicates erratically if at all, refused to tell me where she was going or with whom, and when I pressed her she responded (very politely) with something that is almost certainly a lie. This is after I nursed her through a stroke two years ago and a hospital stay last year with a misdiagnosed Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizure (PNES). She has been well for months, but obviously not the kind of person who should be travelling around in undisclosed locations with strangers. Simply the worry about her safety is driving me mad. Then there is a history of triangulation which I thought we were past, but is obviously always an issue in LDR. I mean, I would rather she is alive than faithful but resent even having to think about such a choice in my primary love relationship.

Now in my country, we have a category in labour law called 'constructive dismissal'. That is when an employer makes life so impossible for the employee to do their work that in effect it ranks as a dismissal in the eyes of the law. My question is: this feels like a constructive dismissal, right? I mean, my life goals are simple: lead a quiet life, sort out my head in therapy, save for retirement and make sure my living arrangements are such that I will be taken care of when I am old. I am coping with inherited and acquired C-PTSD, not made any easier by my history of abusive relationships. My family was so mad it took A LOT for me to even recognize stuff as abuse, so I have been really working on 'normal'izing my expectations. I have had enough drama for several lifetimes and really just want to relax and enjoy life.  Not that hard right? I really don't think I could handle this kind of excitement as I age, nor would I want to. I don't hate myself that much.

But also I feel myself reading the signals. If I did this to someone else I would be communicating that I do not value them and do not want to be in a relationship with them. Certainly not a relationship which should be characterized by care and compassion. But I don't have BPD.

So I would welcome your take? Is this a constructive dismissal? Is this the time to bow out gracefully? The thing with LDR is that it is almost ridiculously easy, we hold no property or children together so it is really as simple as not answering the phone and changing my plans for the next few months. I love this woman and I sure hope we will be friends forever but personally what I am feeling for myself is a period of NC followed by polite and courteous LC.

Let me hear your thoughts?Thanks for these boards, as always! I see so much healing happening here and I certainly have gotten so much better in my years here.  

[ForeverDad]

We talk here of boundaries quite often, there are a few topics on boundaries over on the Tools & Skills board.  Essentially, boundaries are not for the other person, trying to enforce them on the other can get push back and often fail sooner or later.  Boundaries are for us... what are the limits we set on ourselves for the relationship to continue?

Without a lot of drama we can state what our boundaries are for us to remain in the relationship.  If they've already be stated, then how many times will you have a ringside seat?

Disclaimer:  I divorced many years ago, the conflict had gotten to such an extreme that I had to protect myself and my parenting.  Hence my stated perspectives and decisions.  Your circumstances may be different.

[khibomsis]

Thank you @ForeverDad, you guide me wisely as always! Yes, for sure I think a reasonable boundary is to never to do this again. You are right that it is something I could say and she agree with - until the next time. So do I walk now or later?

Am taking my time thinking about this because I do not want to recycle again. Anyway I would not trigger anything while she is on the road, seems pointless to provoke a dysregulation while she is far from home. So I have about a week or ten days which is not too long.  Feel  I have given it my best shot and though I am by no means old yet, I am definitely at the stage of life  where the years really start to matter.

Guess what I will do in the meantime is set things in motion for a separation, so that I am prepared. We have some business together which is why I would like it to be polite and courteous. Fortunately we are both much less active in the business these days so it is easier to arrange a minimum of interaction. I have some financial obligations in this regard and must sort out the paperwork.   Let me do accounts and ponder. One day at a time

[khibomsis]

Well, it is done. She came home, I spoke to her, not without anger I am sorry to say but was honest that for me this was over. I set a time a week later I would call her and did so. Aside from the inevitable lovebombing and the fact that I am still furious, it has been quite quiet. Now I have set a time in ten days when I will call her, thinking that after that I will say three weeks and gradually move towards LC and medium chill. . She checks in with daily texts which makes me both feel sad and comforted

Anyway, just thought I should check in and let people know I'm doing OK.  Actually it is the talking more than the absences which are hard, it reels me back in. Am talking to my therapist about it, but if anybody has ideas about how one breaks a trauma bond I would be glad to hear them?

[Cat Familiar]

if anybody has ideas about how one breaks a trauma bond I would be glad to hear them?

I was very enmeshed with my ex husband after so many years of being together, but his behavior became so impossible one night, that was the end for me. I still cared about him and didn’t want him to have a *hard landing* so I tried to ease the transition.

So many friends and my attorney advised me to make a *clean break* but I was reluctant to do so.

In the end, that’s what I had to do. The kindness I tried to show him backfired and he became more devious in undermining me, both on a personal and a financial level.

I can’t advise you, but merely share my experience.

I’m very sorry, khibomsis, I know you care so much about her and had hoped for a better outcome. 

[ForeverDad]

So many friends and my attorney advised me to make a *clean break* but I was reluctant to do so.

In the end, that’s what I had to do. The kindness I tried to show him backfired and he became more devious in undermining me, both on a personal and a financial level.

There is seldom, if ever, a way to succeed in remaining friends or having some low level relationship after the relationship ends.  There may be required contact due to sharing children and things like that but - sadly - a *clean break* is what works.

[khibomsis]

Thank you Cat and Forever Dad! I hate it that you are right. Anyway today no text. Maybe wiser counsels have prevailed.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Khimbosis,

I don't have much advice to give, but just wanted to extend a virtual hug of support. 

Also to say... While this must hurt right now, I am glad to see you chose yourself. Upholding our boundaries is not at all an easy feat to achieve, so I wanted to take some time to recognize your strength here.

 

[khibomsis]

Aw, Riv3rWolf, thank you! You made my day

[khibomsis]

Dear everyone, just checking in. Still hanging in there, one thing that many breakups has taught me is how to survive a breakup. And I have acquired a BPD radar bar none from this last one. Staying away from women and having friends come stay with me in shifts. Great that I have a support system With all the extra time I have to myself I am being manic about chanting and exercise, retail therapy (all the money I would have spent on her   and getting work done. My therapist is going deep and I am trying to get a workplace therapist too. Need some executive coaching as grief does rather tend to destroy the memory.
My aims for next week include going for walks at the beach every day. And getting some shoes. The week after that time for the hair.
She continues to text or call daily, and I experience the same mixture of comfort, relief and guilt. I practice letting them all transform into positive energy. There is always another task to be done. I am staying firm with my boundary- we shall talk after two weeks and no sooner. I am doing her no favours allowing myself to be guilt-tripped into false hope. No doubt she does enough of that to herself.
I am inclined to move to three week check-ins after that. Have thought a lot about NC but the more I think about it the more it sits uncomfortably next to silent treatment. And whether it be fair to deny her what they always deny us: closure. @Forever Dad, I think a lot about what you said about  whether I have been communicating my boundaries well. So I guess the answer I have come to is that it all depends on my inner strength to hold and police boundaries which in fairness have been fuzzy in the past. I think a lot about how possibly she may not notice that I have changed.
Also not clear how we move from NC to LC afterwards, it is unfortunate that we have business together so it is a little bit like these poor souls I see on this board who go through years of having children together. What I am clear about is that until I pay my obligations and one project we have together is concluded, I am kind of stuck. I hear those who say a clean break is the kindest, and have to white knuckle it at least once a day. Highly motivating to do accounts.
I have challenged myself to love myself at least as much as I have loved others. Look at my history of co-dependent relationships and set myself the task of spoiling myself like that. Let's see how that goes...
Thank Godde for these boards! Have been a lifesaver all these years.