Some reality checks please

[Manic Miner]

I have some questions lingering and unresolved. My W keeps stating some of them and some are mine. I'd prefer if women would also respond, as some deal with motherhood.

Consider your answers as sanity and reality checks, rather than who's right or wrong. That's not an issue here. I'd also prefer if there wouldn't be any "sides". Just some realistic thoughts that can promote healthier and caring relationships.

a) If someone leaves home willingly and then blames partner for that, for "not caring about family", how responsible is that person with decision to leave? Fully responsible or other partner also takes half of it? I'm not talking about any kind of violence.

b) Are women - mothers in particular - somehow special in marriage? Privileged? If yes, in which way? If no, why not?

c) Is motherhood by itself something that gives women a lifelong permission to have a priority of any kind in relationship?

d) In marriage, is your partner's responsibility and duty to take care of the well-being and happiness of his spouse and the entire family? If not, what's your take on this?

e) Should the needs and caring for the kids always come first in marriage, while yours and partner's coming second?

f) Partners in marriage should be treated equally. There's no difference between man or woman, mother or father, in dealing with relationships. Yes or no? Or depends, as life is rarely split in half? Please explain.

Well that's for now. Thanks in advance.

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[Cat Familiar]

I’m not a mother (by choice) as I grew up with a BPD mom and I didn’t want to replicate that parenting, and I was married to a very dysfunctional BPD husband. So I cannot answer your questions about motherhood from personal experience, only what I’ve observed from others.

a.  It takes two to tango—two to make a dysfunctional relationship, even if only one person is more responsible for the dysfunction. Why did the non-disruptive person get involved in the first place? Why did they stay when they observed these toxic patterns?

b.  Biology tells us that mothers need some extra help during childbearing and infancy. In traditional societies, there were lots of people available to assist. Nowadays with households consisting of husband and wife, often both working outside the home—I don’t know how people manage to care for children without losing their sanity.

c.  I don’t think so, but that’s only if the husband is an equal egalitarian partner—not someone who, when both work, expects the wife to take on the lion’s share of cooking and cleaning.

d.  I think both partners are responsible for the well-being and happiness of each other and the entire family.

e.  Yes, I think the *needs* of the children come first. They didn’t choose to be part of the family. That said, *needs* are a much smaller category than *wants*.

f.  Yes. Everyone should be treated equally.

[Notwendy]

Married, with children ( sounds like the TV show !) and with a BPD mother.

So here is my 2cents:

a) We are responsible for our own actions. If someone chooses to leave, that is their decision. The other person is responsible for their behavior too. So if the person decides to leave due to the other person's behavior- it's still their decision based on their own choice to not tolerate the behavior. If they don't choose to leave but are kicked out, then of course, it's the other person's behavior.

b) I don't think any spouse is more "special" than the other one in a marriage. As Cat says, biology creates a unique situation when it comes to pregnancy, childbirth, infant care if breast feeding, but "special and privileged" this idea sounds more like entitlement. The other parent is helping too, perhaps in different ways, but the parent who goes to work while the other is on family leave is still making an important contribution.

c) Parenthood is given a special meaning in our culture and in religions, but it isn't an entitlement. Children do need to have a certain "honor" for parents but it doesn't entitle that parent to abuse them. Sometimes "honoring" that parent involves keeping a distance from them and not enabling them to be abusive. While parenthood - and motherhood - is held in respect - it also recognized that the parents have invested so much in the child. It is not an entitlement.

One parent is not more privileged than the other. This was an imbalance in my FOO. BPD mother was held on a pedestal but did very little of the work of "parenting". Dad did the larger share of the work. BPD mother expected to be in a special position but it wasn't in accordance with who did the parenting.


d)No actually, each adult is responsible for their own happiness. Expecting someone to "make you happy" is not realistic. Now, we hope our spouse doesn't mistreat us but happiness is an emotion and nobody else can control someone else's emotions. The well being- yes. It may not be the same or 50/50 or each do the same tasks but the well being of the family is the job of both parents.

e) Yes but it's not a competition in a healthy relationship. Both parents are invested in the needs of the kids, but one has to discern between needs, wants, and parents' emotional needs. Sometimes the "kid's need" is actually an emotional need of the parent. Parents with PD's perceive the purpose of their children as meeting their needs, not the parent meeting the child's needs.

f) Parents- regardless of gender- are equal partners but may take on different tasks and aspects of parenting. I don't think one subservient or lesser than the other, ( some religions see this differently), I don't think there should be a difference in status or privilege. I think both are capable of having good ( or disordered) relationships. I think relationships are rarely 50/50 but if the balance gets too far off, it can lead to resentment on the spouse that does more. On the biological level, there are differences but I don't think you are asking that. My dad related to us as a parent, and also took on a lot of the parenting tasks.

[kells76]

a) If someone leaves home willingly and then blames partner for that, for "not caring about family", how responsible is that person with decision to leave? Fully responsible or other partner also takes half of it? I'm not talking about any kind of violence.

b) Are women - mothers in particular - somehow special in marriage? Privileged? If yes, in which way? If no, why not?

c) Is motherhood by itself something that gives women a lifelong permission to have a priority of any kind in relationship?

d) In marriage, is your partner's responsibility and duty to take care of the well-being and happiness of his spouse and the entire family? If not, what's your take on this?

e) Should the needs and caring for the kids always come first in marriage, while yours and partner's coming second?

f) Partners in marriage should be treated equally. There's no difference between man or woman, mother or father, in dealing with relationships. Yes or no? Or depends, as life is rarely split in half? Please explain.

Background: married >9 years (going through challenges but ultimately committed), stepmom to SD14 & SD16.5, no bio kids for reasons outside my control.

a) "leaver" is responsible for own choices to leave -- nobody made them do it, it was an uncoerced choice, AND "stayer" is responsible for own choices contributing to that environment. "You made me do X, you made me feel Y" aren't responsibility-taking postures. Responsibility-taking postures could include: what was it in me that got so triggered that I chose to leave the house, what was it in me that continued to do XYZ that contributed to the marriage falling apart, what hurt is in me from the past where the pain blinds me to the impact of my choices or gives me a sense that "I'm entitled to do anything to stop this pain". We're each responsible for our own choices, even under duress. To a certain extent I might say that "even with a gun to my head," or "betray the cause or we kill you" I am still in control of the choices I make, as I can decide how valuable my life and my integrity are. So I see it as "Yes, each is responsible only for their own choices" coupled with "Yes, the choices we make have an impact on the milieu that others experience". Not necessarily an either-or.

b) women aren't men and vice versa, so there are reality-based differences to recognize. I'd say more that each role in marriage/family is "unique" and "different" rather than "special" or "privileged" (especially "privileged" in the way it is often used today). That being said, I would phrase it as "it is a privilege to parent", "it is a privilege to be a father", "it is a privilege to be a mother", in the sense that those roles and experiences are/can be incredible gifts -- kind of like being given a delicate, priceless crystal to hold -- "I can't believe I've been entrusted with this valuable creature to care for". So perhaps in a really particular way, sure, we could talk about motherhood being a "privilege" if by that we mean a role with an incredible responsibility, a role where in many ways one "ought to" look for -- how can I humbly fulfil this incredible task I've been given, versus -- how can I make the most of elevating my prestige in this role, how can I leverage this role to "get more" for me. And that would be an equal mindset for both parents to have, not "how can I use my parenting role to get my needs for recognition and specialness met", but "how can I in humility accept this huge responsibility I have in this role".

c) again, similar to above, I think the issue is less the specific role giving more/less prestige over/under other roles (like, "we can rank them: motherhood #1, fatherhood #2, grandparents #3"...), and more the mindset of the person in the role -- the question should really be, why is it that I am trying to gain prestige and position via preexisting aspects of the role in which I happen to find myself? Why is it that I am so desperate to be "above" that I am looking for things outside myself and the sense of inherent value I "should" have, for external things to "prove" to others that "I get priority, see?" Maybe the fundamental question is: If I have the same inherent value as every other person, just due to the fact of my individual created-ness that I had no hand in, why am I seeking more on top of that? Why isn't my sense of inherently equal value enough for me? Which is a question for all of us, I suppose.

d) Are these questions phrased similarly to how your W phrases them? Just curiosity, because there's something about either the phrasing, or the "what it's getting at" feel, or both, that is really activating my radar of "is this a fair question", because for so many of these questions, it's not really an "either or" to me, but unless you can really sit down and talk through the "if you mean this, then yes, but if you mean that, then no, but if you mean this third thing, then both this and that are true" kind of discussion, then the questions read more as "See! Aha! Justification for me" versus "trying to reach nuanced understanding".

It would be equally wrong to take the mindset of "because I'm not responsible for how anyone else feels, I have a license to do and say whatever I want, and if my spouse has a problem with that, it's not my responsibility" as it would be to take the mindset of "my spouse's happiness is under my control and completely my responsibility, if s/he isn't happy I have to manage that myself". Kind of like what Cat Familiar and Notwendy are suggesting in their posts -- this isn't necessarily an "either or" question again. It takes nuance and maturity to say "Yes, it's this... AND, at the same time, it's also that". How do I find that balance of -- hey, wait a minute... I love my spouse, so of course I'm going to do what I can as a limited human being to cherish them, care for them, continually choose to make them the most important person in the world to me. And if they're unhappy when I do that? That part isn't under my control. My values, my priorities, my integrity, my choices to value them -- those are under my control. Their response to me, assuming (as Notwendy mentions, that I'm not manipulating, coercing, etc), isn't something I can manage.

And yes, the kids didn't choose to join the family, and need guidance and "scaffolding" to mature and complete their developmental tasks in safety and support. And at the same time, one way to do that is for the parents to be a "united front" with a "good enough" relationship that adult relational drama isn't sucking all the oxygen out of the room. Yes, have adult relationship health be a priority, but don't have adult relational drama  be a priority, as that is seriously damaging to a child's ability to develop in a healthy linear fashion. SD16.5 is running into that in a huge way right now -- recognizing that her role as "little emotional caretaker" to Mom (and Stepdad, though she doesn't see that yet) has contributed to her massive anxiety around and deficiency in ability to have normal range peer relationships. Mom and Stepdad's adult relational drama and chaos "uses up all the oxygen in the room" and SD16.5 (and SD14) isn't able to  focus on normal childhood development.

e) again, words like "always" tend to tip me off that it seems like the question as worded isn't really the question, it's a setup for justification. Not saying that you're saying that, more wondering again if you're sharing phrasing that you've heard from W.

Taken to a logical outcome, the "always care for the kids first" mindset could be perverted to do two things: one, provide prestige and validation if a parent decided to "be the martyr parent", wow, look how s/he always drives the kids around, always comes when the kids call, always stops everything to listen to the child, always XYZ for the kids in front of an audience. So "putting the kids first always" can actually be incredibly self-serving, a way for a parent to perform their superiority and receive acclaim/external validation: "what an amazing sacrificial mom/dad, always bending over backwards to support the kids". But it's not for the kids, it's for what the parent can get.

two, it can serve as a "legitimate justification" for not putting effort into the marriage relationship: "I don't have time to talk about that with you, I'm giving the kids a bath, reading a long story, making their lunch for tomorrow" -- not bad things in and of themselves, but again, it's how it's used, it's the unspoken goal behind the actions. A parent who wants a reason to not invest in the marriage relationship can create endless busyness for themselves around caring for the child, and it seems okay or acceptable.

Counterpoint is again: when the parents are so wrapped up in their own drama and desperate attempts to get deep emotional needs met that the household revolves around them, the adults, the adult needs, and the kids' needs are ignored/minimized. that's just as dysfunctional and harmful.

Finding the balanced or centered position would involve not seeing the kids as either "objects" to reflect the parent's amazingness or as "obstacles" to the parent's "finding myself, finally putting myself first", but having an appropriate family hierarchy where the parents model balancing time together as spouses with a genuine focus on kids' developmentally appropriate needs.

f) partners in marriage should be treated valued equally is how I might phrase it. Again, fundamental reality based differences between women and men exist, and ignoring those differences to "treat everyone equally" isn't necessarily being in touch with reality. Valuing everyone equally is possible when grounded in reality, which suggests that one's performance, ability, tasks, roles, etc, are at the end of the day completely unconnected to inherent value, which is always the same between all individuals. It frees me to not have to generate a sense of value or worth from my role, position, achievement, etc. I can be the breadwinner (have been in the past) or not, I can work more or less than my H, I can do more or less childcare than he does, and it has zero impact on my fundamental existential equality of value. Marriages can go through lengthy seasons, as Notwendy mentioned (things not being exactly 50/50, sometimes for a while), but my equality of value isn't related to that.

...

Lots of food for thought... interesting questions.

[Notwendy]

I also wondered about the wording of the questions. My BPD mother doesn't converse back and forth. She lectures, and after constantly hearing her ideas one starts to question one's own reality.

Parents can divide tasks along traditional gender roles, but I think being too rigid about them is not good for the relationship. One can assume the mother will cook but there are those days, the kids have a virus, maybe Mom got one too. I would hope the other parent would step in and help.

I don't think any relationship is exactly 50/50 but I think both parents contribute and if it gets unbalanced, the one doing too much can feel resentful. But if it involves caring for children and the spouse won't or can't do it, it's a necessity regardless of what one feels about traditional gender roles.

I think pwBPD tend to see themselves as victims on the Karpan triangle and also have a skewed sense of fairness. If there's a bit of a narcissistic streak they also may have a sense of entitlement and feel superior. I think my BPD mother feels that way. My parents married in the era where women were housewives, except she didn't seem to do much housework. Dad did a lot of the parenting himself. So even if it wasn't his traditional gender role, he took some of that on.

When the women's movement began,  one of my mother's friends was quite involved and she had a career outside the home. So my mother decided to take on the cause
and this became a rationale to not do housework. She also didn't enter the workforce outside the home either.

Other ones were "all families have arguments" - and the issues between us when I was a teen were that "typical mother-daughter teen age thing" but what went on at home was not the same as what I observed in other families.

I respect that the position of motherhood is a special one but also so is being a father. But it's not an entitlement for one to feel superior to the other. In the case of skewed fairness sometimes a parent needs to take on a bit of both roles so I do think both men and women can and should take these on if it's needed for the benefit of the children.

[Manic Miner]

Guys, thanks a lot. You don't know how much this means to me. As I rightfully noted, those are reality and sanity checks that I'll need to analyze further.

Because the relationship with my W is/was toxic with bad communication for so long, I got accustomed to something that you sensed in those q's as red flags.

The truth is, I probably don't even know what a nice, mutually supportive relationship looks like at this stage. I'm damaged too.


@Kells76, yes, most of these questions were based on the statements of my W. Some, like "are childen's needs always above parent's?' are mine, but I also based them on our arguments.

Here's a thing. I'm a father of a girl born prematurely, with special needs (mild cerebral palsy (no wheelchair, can walk freely), impaired vision, mild autism). I don't fully know what's it like to have a 'normal' parenthood, esp. not when your child is getting older (12), as first few years were rather similar for us all.

From my perspective, parents' needs should come first, as parents need to be happy, fully recharged, up and running for all kinds of activities. Especially special-needs parents and the never-ending care of a pre-teen that cannot fully support herself. That involves feeding 3x a day, dressing up, to showering and getting ready for bed. Even more demanding is communication and quality time with her, as she likes to repeat words a lot and is often fixated on us or on any change/problem until it's done. All day, every day. You need to have a healthy ground, boundaries, healthy relationship, hobbies etc. to stay sane yourself.

My W put our daughter first. She wasted so many of her own resources and time on something where our D didn't get any practical benefit. W's thinking and energy was preoccupied and drained, resulting in a burnout and depression when D was still a toddler. And she (my W) expected me to think and do the same. Otherwise, I was "not caring for her" and almost useless, as she didn't acknowledge that I was keeping us all in check and working so she wouldn't need a job. Also my own job was in our home, so I was at least physically present all the time, could hop in to help and make a lunch, unlike many dads that were far and away.

Our marriage suffered big time. There was a constant 'alert' in our relationship about our daughter, when in reality there was absolutely no cause for that.
Even if the following day started exactly like the last one, with same routines and tasks, W always made sure to add more to the list, if anything, to stir a bit, some dramatic twist of events or to grumble if something wasn't done right by me.

What I suspect, however, the real issue was, what Notwendy said about "'kid's need' being emotional need of a parent". I think that's the key of this problem, deeply rooted in BPD and inherent feel of inadequacy, poor sense of self, shame and whole bunch of fears.

In fact, the older our daughter is, the more I see the needs and fears of her mother translated as daughter's needs. Many times when our daughter was minding her business, playing a video game, her mother started worrying what she thinks what daughter needs, wants or is right. She would then make a problem or drama out of thin air that literally didn't exist before. Or wrongly accuse our D of something that was clearly 'special needs' at work.

Lately, I was under a lot of pressure while she 'escaped' in her job. Most tasks and D care were done by me or in-laws. She started over-promising and under-delivering, even though nobody, except herself, demanded extra. For example, stating to our D how they will go and travel together everywhere, but in reality so far, she went alone every time, while me or my in-laws were keeping our D in the mean time. Of course it would be hard to be alone with D 24/7 on any vacation, but nobody expected that. Still, she needed that pose to sound like she's an almighty superhuman mother.

Needless to say, those situations are still something where we clash when together. And her main remark is "I'm the mother, I care for her, you should listen to me more."

When D is with me, I perform all tasks alone - far easier, more efficient and on time. Even when that involves waking up at 6am to make breakfast, feed her, get her ready for the school bus and then be there for her after school. We were never late and there was never any drama.

In that sense, I think parents' core needs are priority, so they can perform better in their life, be fulfilled, happier and be there for their kids. Similar like in airplane emergency - put the oxygen mask first to yourself then to your children. Children will benefit from their parent's love, thriving relationship and happiness, at least tenfold, compared to miserable, drained, grumpy guys that are frustrated and unfulfilled, but are somehow still caring for them.

My W cannot see this. Her fears, all-or-nothing thinking and possibly seeing herself responsible for our D's condition are high. All of that is then translated as 'daughter's needs'. As my wife got older she started taking care of her own needs more, but due to BPD, her 'healing' got in the wrong direction as well. Still dealing with same fears, shame, demands and thinking. This time though, she likes to sound that she is full of care, but in reality other people do at least 50% of work for her.

I'm fully aware that my W went through a lot, as a woman and mother. As a man, I don't know what is like to give birth prematurely, where one of your child dies and the other one barely survives with difficulties. But I was there for them, both emotionally and physically in darkest of times and beyond, trying to keep us together, having a better, joyful life.

We are both exhausted, damaged, made mistakes and drained in a sense. I get that. But I don't see that her current way of living and thinking, with so many issues under the rug is healthy long-term. I think borderline, narcissistic traits, playing power games, who is better, who is 'above' and all kinds of inherent values she got from her dysfunctional FOO are really making this hardly possible to continue and carry on. Wherever I tried to point out that we were both in this, we both tried our best, she was instantly triggered, focusing on her being some kind of a martyr.

[Notwendy]

Manic Miner - having a special needs child can affect the dynamics in a family, even without a parent having BPD. I have seen what you describe happens in families where a child has an illness or disability and the mother ( it tends to be the mother) invests her time and energy into the child and the father feels neglected. BPD may impact dynamics but the situation you described happens even in the absence of BPD.

It is understandable that both of you are experiencing an emotional strain with this situation. The BPD aspect is that while you wish for her to see your efforts - trying to "make" her see them may not be possible.

Wherever I tried to point out that we were both in this, we both tried our best, she was instantly triggered, focusing on her being some kind of a martyr.

People wBPD have difficulties managing their own emotions. From my observation, they tend to take "victim" perspective on the Karpman triangle.

My BPD mother does this. Expecting her to understand another person's point of view triggers her into indignation.

I think you are correct that parent's core needs are priority and this helps children too because the core need for both parents is also to care for the child. Parents also need time for themselves as well. A child with extraordinary needs can create an imbalance even for families where there isn't dysfunction.

Disordered people cope with stressors in disordered ways.

In 12 step groups, there's a phrase "don't go to an empty well to drink" and it seems both you and your wife are running on empty at the moment, and you are both doing the best you can and you love your daughter. One issue I also learned in these groups is how "expecting someone to be different" leads to being disappointed and expecting your wife to cope in a different manner- one that seems more normal to you- is probably not realistic.

I don't know what resources are available in your area but the idea of respite care- if your wife will allow it, can give parents a break from their caregiver role. Your local/state autism society may have summer camps, lists of resources - where your D can be cared for and also be with other children. Or a home health caregiver might be able to come to the home to help out a bit. You can't really control your wife's feelings or behavior but you can get support for yourself.

[Manic Miner]

having a special needs child can affect the dynamics in a family, even without a parent having BPD. I have seen what you describe happens in families where a child has an illness or disability and the mother ( it tends to be the mother) invests her time and energy into the child and the father feels neglected.

One issue I also learned in these groups is how "expecting someone to be different" leads to being disappointed and expecting your wife to cope in a different manner- one that seems more normal to you- is probably not realistic.

Notwendy, you're absolutely correct. After 12y of being a special needs dad, I have seen a lot of SN families that have gone upside down, estranged, at breaking points or dissolved altogether. The root cause mostly being a SN caretaking, without any PD in sight.

I also know that I cannot change how my W behaves or if she sees my efforts or not. Can only change myself.

But as you pointed out:

Disordered people cope with stressors in disordered ways

Spot on. However, this is not just coping with a BPD, but working with her dysfunctional thinking, combined with dysfunctional way of parenting for a special needs child. This is working on almost three separate fronts. On top of that, sometimes I ask myself, where am I in all of this? Hence those sanity questions I asked in this thread.

I'm aware that my child will forever be dependent on others, more or less. I'm aware that my W will forever have BPD and disordered emotions toward our marriage, parenting and coping - combined with normal SN parental challenges. However, she seems worse the older our D is.

When our relationship started deteriorating, my W also started being emotionally dependent on D. Her emotions towards D (cuddling, kissing, hugging) have gone overly theatrical and exaggerated. For example, when W drops our D at my apartment, she kisses and hugs her like she won't see her again for years and says words like D is departing for good. The reality is that D will stay with me for only 24h. Outsiders would say - oh, tender family moments. Well, no. And this is just one example. Sometimes I feel crazy that it's only me to see this.

Thinking that my hands are tied in a way - I cannot work with my W, I cannot openly talk, I do have emotional and physical strains because of SN, my own problems and issues in this - leaves me pretty much numb and unsure what to do. I was always a guy that was there to find a solution and see every problem as a challenge. Well, I seem to be failing at this big time.

I don't know what resources are available in your area but the idea of respite care- if your wife will allow it, can give parents a break from their caregiver role. Or a home health caregiver might be able to come to the home to help out a bit. You can't really control your wife's feelings or behavior but you can get support for yourself.

We do have some of that now. We applied for a home caregiver, but still are high on the list and will wait a bit.
School is helping a lot, they have a daycare as well. When W and I separated, that did kind of make this a lot more manageable. At least for me, I am with D for 3 full days a week, spending quality time. W has her parents there to help as well. Whether W is pleased with that or not, that's up to her.
While this is not what it should be - it would be best if we could live together as a family with 2 functional and loving parents - separated SN parenting at least helped to relieve the stress and broaden the views.

The worst cause of my stress however isn't just SN or D care at all, but the relation to my W, be it our marriage or parenting. Both suffer and both need tremendous amount of work to be healthy in the long run. There's a Chinese Wall around her fragile beliefs, guarded with resentment and entitlement. My own boundaries are helping me to stay grounded, but limited for resolving our relations. And frankly, marriage counseling isn't making much of a progress either.

[Notwendy]

I think we here understand this, in different ways.

One of the largest stressors was as my parents aged and my father got ill. It seemed impossible to reason with my BPD mother come up with any kind of cooperative plan to help with his care. If BPD behaviors are coping mechanisms for them, it makes sense they'd cope this way during stressful times.

So, understandably, you see your child's needs and cope in your way. Your wife copes in hers and it's a difficult situation. Probably the best you can do is find support for you and assistance with your D. Hopefully your application for home caregiver will come through soon.

[SilverSwan]

In general I feel that people do not see how motherhood changes a woman's life and body permenantly. I do think that sacrifice a woman has to make should come with understanding and empathy for as long as they need it. Society is not kind to women who feel the heaviness of these changes. I have often seen people discount or discard the seriousness of what a woman goes through when having to replace their identity with the label "mother". This has nothing to do with not loving or wanting kids. It has to do with a lot of huge change happening, and having to accept changes that you do not want.
I think that being a mother of your kids should come with a special commitment, to try to be empathetic and try to be supportive.
I certainly expect a person to show more commitment and loyalty to a wife then they might show to a girlfriend. I also expect a person to show more commitment and loyalty to wife who is a mother than just to a wife.
Changing roles is hard. A woman can not avoid taking on the role very abruptly. I have often seen others not appreciate how hard this is. And I have often seen men take a slower more incremental path to growing into the role. Ive seen how much hurt this can cause and how that hurt can linger.

That being said, this is a bpd forum and I know bpd often makes things more complicated than it seems on the surface.

I do wonder, does your wife seem to assert that mothers should be treated with more "something"? How does she define this? Her motivations and experiences are likely uniquely hers. 

I wish my pwbpd would tell me why he believes certain things. He doesnt seem to know why he believes certain things.
It leaves me scrambling, trying to figure it out; but I never feel like I can figure it out... because the answer lies in his unique experience.   

[Notwendy]

I  think spouses should be kind to each other, whether children are a part of the relationship or not. However, if a couple is divorced I do think some consideration to that relationship is important- mainly for the sake of the children. On can divorce a spouse but the mother is still their mother. She doesn't need to be considered privileged compared to the ex spouse though. They are both parents.

A mother child relationship may be work and sacrifice but it's also greatly rewarding if someone chooses it. I also don't think a mother has to have given birth to the child. There are many mothers who didn't birth their child. Being a mother does not require the physical changes of pregnancy. We become mothers through raising children.