Through the fog

[Macnerd]

Hi Everyone,

I’m new here and if I’m being honest, I’m pretty confused. I don’t know much about BPD. My GF said she knew a lot about it and wondered if I was, which has me questioning myself too. My longtime friends and my counselor disagree and while I have my share of baggage they say that BPD is not one that I should be carrying.

I care deeply for my partner. We’ve been together for 8 months and things have gotten progressively more rocky to the point that we are now taking a break.  

Friends and counselor all encourage me to run from this person. They say that I’m not myself these days, that I don’t seem as happy. I agree. I don’t feel myself. We’ve had about a 5 or 6 fights over our time together. They have almost all been about our relationship, whether we should take a break or stay in it.
She’s asked me for a break no less than 9 times. We’ve taken them and then either she or I reach out after a few days and we jump back into things. This time is different in that she is asking to still see me “casually” but without the title of being my girlfriend bc she doesn’t want the pressure of a committed relationship. She also said that she isn’t going to date anyone for the next three months.

Most recently, when we talked I noticed that her version of past events were much different than mine.

Like, when we talked about splitting up you ransacked my place. What I recalled was her telling me to take my things…which were already packed so I took just those things and placed them by the front door before I left. Since we clean the apartment together, and she is particular about how she likes things, I am mindful of not making a mess. So when she said I ransacked her place that really caught my attention.

Come to think of it, this like the third time we’ve talked about taking a break where she asked me to take my things. In the past, we just said I’d get them later and I’m realizing that she got upset that I actually took them without argument.

Anyway, I’d love to better understand what’s going on with me and how I can shift into a healthier mindset. I’d also really like to improve my relationship with this woman. I’m giving her the space she needs and trying to get a place of treating myself better too.

Hopeful.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SaltyDawg]

Your story sounds similar to mine.  However, I am married, with two kids, and have been in this relationship for over two decades -- so I can't 'run' without doing additional major damage to my family.

Keeping in mind you can only change yourself, and not your partner.

I strongly suggest learning as much as you can and learn what you can do to change.

Read these two books, to see if to content of these books resonates with you:

Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life
Book by Margalis Fjelstad

Stop Walking on Eggshells
Book by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger

My advise is not to do anything rash, impulsive, or reactive, as that can make the situation worse.  However, do learn as much as you can about it.  Make sure that the work is recent, since 2013 as there is a shift of management of BPD between the DSM IV (non curable) & DSM V (treatable).  If you have any questions, ask your counselor that you are currently seeing, or this forum.

Welcome, with mixed emotions, to the 'club' glad you found this forum as it will help; however, the reason why you are here is not and can be very depressing.  Self-Care should be your number one priority (I didn't to this until recently, and it is very helpful).