So Ginger, the hardest thing to deal with sometimes is getting over our own egos and pride. Many people truly think they are equipped to handle someone with BPD and 99.9% of those people are foolish and ignorant because they do not truly grasp the gravity of what they are dealing with.
Even those highly educated and trained in human behavior can be sent into a tailspin dealing with someone who suffers from BPD. But, please keep in mind that the monster is the disorder, not the person.
Please don't so hard on yourself. What you want is not necessarily unrealistic at all. However, what is unrealistic is expecting him to be able to be that person for you who can give you what you want. No one else will fix him or be a better match. Do not fall into that thinking. You will not be replaced, but rather he will just be moving onto another novelty and then act up again and move onto another after that. The process will be rinse, wash, repeat. That is the very nature of the disorder.
So do not take things so personally. I don't say that to be mean or invalidating. On the contrary, your feelings are true and you are hurt, but you are basing your feelings on what you want to happen and your expectations and not the what is. You can change and be dynamic, but unfortunately he will be static and not change. Look at it as him actually caring and doing you a favor.
In truth, I think it is possible that some bpd sufferers show they truly care by doing whatever they can to get you to go your own way because they know they are going to hurt you and that you deserve better than they can provide.
Cheers and best wishes!
-SC-
Thank you so much for the response. These words help, many I know but it’s really been hard for me to accept. I think the hardest part is the rollercoaster. I’ve tried to walk away many times, unfortunately in the early days when I did he usually ended up in terrible situation, and I was then one to call and be the savior for him. The chaos is where I received the affection and feeling of being loved. I knew so many things were wrong but it was so hard to sort. I wish I’d known about the BPD so I could have had better tools to communicate and see what he was doing. I bought the book, ‘quit walking on eggshells’ and it was so helpful, but I still find myself so confused when I know it’s how he is and caused so much pain yet I can’t let go of this one. I’m thankful I was adamant about pushing his family on the diagnosis, they only only focused on the alcohol abuse and anger management, I knew there was something else and he’d never get better when all the did was treat that.. I saw him so broken and through so much. I just wish he’d understand that it took so much from me as well and broke me in the process., I gave so much to him, and yet asked so little. Understanding the disorder is helpful but the pain is still real and I literally don’t know how to recover sometimes .
I don’t know how to end this. Ive tried and always fall back to the hurt he caused and not being able to get over it. He wants just basic friendship but to me that’s once again all he wants and at a level that only benefits him. (He’s missing the qualities of a good friend and just proves over and over that he doesn’t care, but thinks he can pretend it never happened and just try and make up for it, but it’s in the moment I needed more for him)
I’m so hurt from the feeling of being a convenience and never a priority or to be chosen. I know I’m responsible as well for allowing it and never having the boundaries and always being there when he finished a cycle.
But I don’t know the words to say to him, he’ll put it on(master manipulator. Me as “we could have a friendship because you weren’t willing to be just friends, but it’ll just continue in that cycle of hurt and settling for so little. He never was held accountable for his actions and it’s to hard for me to alone, and he just pushes away when I do. I just want to be heard and scene and his actions to match his words. I know he never will but how can I say goodbye.
(Note his family means a lot to me and his dogs are literally like my kids now and I will continue to have them a majority of the time so it’s not one where I can just delete him from my life)
