BPD and holding grudges

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Ive been no contact for a month with my BPDex of 7 years and we met up yesterday to talk about our break up and he told me that he thinks that I’m the one that ruined our relationship and everything that went wrong in our relationship was because of me. That even though I tried to be supportive, take care of him and the household. I couldn’t give him space during our fights and that I made him want to kill himself and that I was the reason he would punch himself/the wall/fridges/etc.

We were 22 when we first started dating and yesterday he brought up all the things that I did wrong when we first started dating and how I made him feel badly and that’s why now he doesn’t look back ok these 7 years and think it was a relationship.

Is this common? Do pwBPD often hold grudges from their past and blame their parter for their own self harm? I’m really struggling because my entire relationship now feels like
a lie. I thought things were good but he was clearly holding on to things from 7 years prior.

[HattieMak]

Ive been no contact for a month with my BPDex of 7 years and we met up yesterday to talk about our break up and he told me that he thinks that I’m the one that ruined our relationship and everything that went wrong in our relationship was because of me. That even though I tried to be supportive, take care of him and the household. I couldn’t give him space during our fights and that I made him want to kill himself and that I was the reason he would punch himself/the wall/fridges/etc.

We were 22 when we first started dating and yesterday he brought up all the things that I did wrong when we first started dating and how I made him feel badly and that’s why now he doesn’t look back ok these 7 years and think it was a relationship.

Is this common? Do pwBPD often hold grudges from their past and blame their parter for their own self harm? I’m really struggling because my entire relationship now feels like
a lie. I thought things were good but he was clearly holding on to things from 7 years prior.

[SinisterComplex]

Ive been no contact for a month with my BPDex of 7 years and we met up yesterday to talk about our break up and he told me that he thinks that I’m the one that ruined our relationship and everything that went wrong in our relationship was because of me. That even though I tried to be supportive, take care of him and the household. I couldn’t give him space during our fights and that I made him want to kill himself and that I was the reason he would punch himself/the wall/fridges/etc.

We were 22 when we first started dating and yesterday he brought up all the things that I did wrong when we first started dating and how I made him feel badly and that’s why now he doesn’t look back ok these 7 years and think it was a relationship.

Is this common? Do pwBPD often hold grudges from their past and blame their parter for their own self harm? I’m really struggling because my entire relationship now feels like
a lie. I thought things were good but he was clearly holding on to things from 7 years prior.

Welcome Hattie... . Happy you found us, but sorry for the circumstances that led to you finding us. Yes BPD commonly hold onto grudges. You have to remember if it is indeed BPD you are dealing with that they are emotionally stunted growth wise and do not operate on the same wavelength as neurotypicals. So being emotionally stunted their behavior is more immature and child like...ie holding onto petty grudges, etc.

Please feel free to vent as much as you need to. Ask as many questions as you have to. In the meantime please be kind to you and take care of yourself.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[HattieMak]

Thanks SC!

I’m happy to have found this site to help me through this because I didn’t imagine the break up being this painful. We’ve been through this break up cycle many times before but this one feels final and he has much more hatred towards me for the way he thinks I feel about him, no matter how many times I tell him it’s not true.

It’s unfortunate though, I have all these great memories that I’m trying to heal from and it hurts to know he just hates me and doesn’t share the same sentiment. It feels like 7 years is just thrown away.

[SinisterComplex]

Thanks SC!

I’m happy to have found this site to help me through this because I didn’t imagine the break up being this painful. We’ve been through this break up cycle many times before but this one feels final and he has much more hatred towards me for the way he thinks I feel about him, no matter how many times I tell him it’s not true.

It’s unfortunate though, I have all these great memories that I’m trying to heal from and it hurts to know he just hates me and doesn’t share the same sentiment. It feels like 7 years is just thrown away.

So Hattie, there is no easy way to go about this or a magic wand that I can wave. However, what I can do is provide with some solace...your perspective of thinking he hates you means you are taking it at face value. Don't be so hard on yourself there. Instead understand that of course there is a fine line between love and hate. So even though outwardly you are seeing hate underneath that veneer is love. BPD is an emotional dysregulation disorder so cut yourself some slack and try to guide yourself away from taking it personally. His wires are crossed so his only reaction can be hate because he doesn't want to face any shame, guilt, etc. Make sense? 7 years are not necessarily thrown away. Yes, the relationship is at its end, but now is when you take the time to assess what you learned from the relationship. What did you like, what didn't you like? What did you learn about yourself?

You have to go through your healing process without putting that weight on yourself that he hates you. You are not responsible for that. You are not responsible for his feelings. You are only responsible for your own. How you respond and move forward is what is in your control. Focus on that. How he goes about it is his business.

You have to understand that even if he shares the same sentiments he is most likely never going to tell you that or show that. Disordered behavior means you cannot approach it logically or reason it away. You just have to accept the what is and forget about the coulda, woulda, shoulda...aka the potential.

Focus on bettering yourself and becoming a stronger improved version, perhaps the best version of yourself.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[HittyDoll]

Someone wise once told me the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference!

I am sorry you are hurting from what your ex said to you, but I think it's important to remember that this is exactly why he said it. He cannot handle these damaging feelings about himself and his own accountability, so he is making you (or an imagined you) shoulder the burden. My experience with a BPD ex is that I am - and always was - more of a caricature of a person to him than I ever was a real person with feelings, needs, etc. There was no room for emotional intimacy or empathy, from his perspective. He never shared any, he didn't want me to share either, and he disparaged me for it if I did. It was a dehumanizing and devaluing way of being for me while we were in the relationship.

Now that I am out of the relationship, I am more able to recognize my own normal, human qualities. I don't have to shoulder his, make him feel better about his, or absorb his. Try to be a mirror, not a sponge when he throws that stuff on you. You don't have to feel all that anger, sadness and guilt just because he can't handle feeling it himself.

[Biggus]

Is this common? Do pwBPD often hold grudges from their past and blame their parter for their own self harm? I’m really struggling because my entire relationship now feels like
a lie. I thought things were good but he was clearly holding on to things from 7 years prior.

I suppose blaming is common. You can't do right with them, as even if you try your best exhausting every bit of love you have in you, you still end up being the bad egg.

Even though I never recognized myself from the person/persons my ex portrayed me to be, during the relationship I got used to doubt myself according to her outspoken suspicions and accusations. Typically her point being I don't really love her, I am just saying so. In her mind the basic truth is no one can really love her, not even herself, and the ones who claim to do so are just lying. She used to proudly exclaim "I have means to dig out the truth no matter how deep it is". Sometimes she would have a moment of truth when she would recognize "I have a tendency to drive men away from my life". In effect, those two sentences mean the very same thing.

Likely your relationship was as true as it could have been. But understand this: it can be only so true with a pwBPD.

[LifewithEase]

This:
"There was no room [limited capacity] for emotional intimacy or empathy, from his perspective. He never shared any, he didn't want me to share either, and he disparaged me for it if I did. "

There are other threads on empathy that you should check out. It will give you even more perspective.

[heartcompass78]

holding onto a grudge means that you care.  as someone else has so wisely said, even though it looks like hate on the outside, the reality is that underneath that defense is a lot of love that feels blocked, rejected, ashamed, guilty, and/or hopeless.  it is too scary for them to admit that they really love you and feel hurt, that they feel terrified that you dont love them or that maybe you even despise them--so instead they blame you and lash out.  but dont be fooled...many pwBPD feel deeply, and they do love, just in a very unique and highly-defended way.  you have to let your deeper wisdom realize this, and not take their words and actions at face value.  i say this in particular when you have had a long love relationship with them, and know from your own direct experience that there is a depth beneath the surface hostility.

knowing this helps me.  it doesnt take away all the pain.  but it helps me keep perspective as i grieve and heal my own heart.

[HittyDoll]

At LifeWithEase, I'm interested in the thread on empathy you mentioned. Can you help me find it? Not sure where to look...Thx.

[LifewithEase]

Hi HittyDoll, maybe I was too quick to suggest. The search mechanism on the board is tough. As a new member I have scanned and read dozens and dozens of posts. I have not been able to find an option that will save a particular post.

Much of what I've learned about empathy and BPD is from my therapist. As we all know, we can't (and my therapist can not) diagnosed someone from afar with BPD. Thus the "undiagnosed" in uBPD.

Before I realized that I was dealing with an uBPDw, I'd have significant conversations with my therapist (and couple therapist) about mismatch empathy, being bullied, and the challenges of being highly empathic myself. Also, my uBPDw is high functioning (amazing career, well regarded) so much of her dismissive, harsh, and aggressive behavior is contained in body language; quick wit; highly articulate verbal attacks; and real-time complex logic (which in retrospect, could sound rationale but most of the time is not).

A lot of this came together when I read Paul Mason and Randi Kreger's excellent book, Stop Walking on Eggshells. Then with Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life.

My high empathy and expectations of shared empathy from my wife has shaped my lack of boundaries and being in a "caretaker" role. I'm trying to reverse this.

There is also broader discussions about resolving high-conflict with mindfulness and trying to use empathy to better understand the burdens with BPD have.

[LifewithEase]

HittyDoll,

Here is a thread on empathy:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=353863.new#new

I just added this post:

Adding a real-time example of lack-of-empathy to the discussion for others to reflex:

- Earlier in the Year: High functioning uBPDw dysregulates and, at times rages at me, for about three months, leading up to a standard outpatient but important medical procedure (most over 40 yo need to do this "back-door" maintenance). In particular, for three days pretty much told me she would not drive me to the doctors and I'd have to find another way (Ubers are not allow for post-procedure pick up and I have no family close by).

- Day of my Procedure: Was cold towards me, used body language to communicate she is not happy taking care of me, actually does the bare minimum with a ride, nothing when I get home; generally leaves me alone, absolutely no words of care, or proactive gestures, nor check-ins. Comments negatively when I go straight to bed mid-day to rest post-procedure. Makes me feel guilty that I took a day off of household, pets, cleaning, etc. "Tomorrow I guess you'll help with the kids or are you going to nap again?"

- Yesterday: uBPDw has the same medical procedure; I took the day off to drive/pick up, be available, of course covered the kids, household, cleaning, cooking, etc. She was the nicest to me in years. We even had a 1:1 undistributed meal together with fantastic conversation (no talk of kids, stressors, work, scheduling). She slept from mid-day until nighttime. She recovered well.

BEWARE! (This is an example of how uBPDw are nice to you when they need something from you)

- The small scale example of this is: raging on a typical morning about everything but then askes for a favor (eg her cake needs to be taken out of the oven) she turns nice and pleasant.

- This Morning: uBPDw is right back to the same triggering and dysregulation. It was like yesterday's effort did not even happen. She reprimanded me this morning for not finishing the 5 loads of laundry I did over the last 48 hours.

Maybe just venting about the crazy making. Maybe this will help others understand the rollercoaster. Thanks for listening.

[HittyDoll]

LifeWithEase, your older posts made me really feel for you. I'm so sorry you went (or are stilling going) through that. I know the environment/relationship you were in all too well, and it's harmful on a lot of levels. The whiplash adds up to a lot of confusion.

I have read "Stop Walking on Eggshells..." but I may check out the other book you mentioned. Thanks.

One funny thing I found myself reflecting on today is that I have never thought of myself as a super sensitive, emotional person - I'm kind of reserved - but I have always thought of myself as empathetic. My ex never had any value for empathy unless he needed it himself. Classic example: Not even stopping for a terrible car crash that happened right in front of us to make sure the people were OK vs. ranting at me for not caring enough about his laundry products preferences. Terrifyingly cold about the former and scarily furious about the latter.

Even on days when I feel overwhelmed or lonely after my breakup, I am so glad I am not on the receiving end of that any more.

[Couscous]

Is this common? Do pwBPD often hold grudges from their past and blame their parter for their own self harm? I’m really struggling because my entire relationship now feels like a lie. I thought things were good but he was clearly holding on to things from 7 years prior.

One thing that helped me make sense of the unloving behavior of my pplwBPD was understanding the concept of narcissistic injury. Everyone is capable experiencing a narcissistic injury, but when people pwBPD/NPD (most BPD males and high-functioning females are BPD/NPD) they experience it as an assault and then feel justified in lashing out at those they are closest to, and their mantra is: "It's ALL your fault".

If you are interested in learning more about this, here are a couple of resources that explain it much better than I can: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/202010/understanding-narcissistic-injury

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EBg5UNSqrM8

I also found the book, "Why Does He Do That" immensely helpful in understanding the mentality of an abusive person. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=86467.0