Twice Scorched

[M Restoration]

Hello everyone,

It feels like salve on a raw wound to know that my words here will be understood by the readers. To go through such a bizarre and heartbreaking saga, as a romance with a BPD partner can be, is really quite left-field. I remember a time when I had a crush on this girl as a teenager; one day she took me aside and quite gently told me that she was into her girlfriend. I was heartbroken but not in the traditional sense of the word. I mean what could she do? I think that's a tamer analogy for what I'm going through now with my ex-girlfriend who has undiagnosed BPD. She meets all the markers and I have had that confirmed after getting her a session with my therapist who also happens to be a clinical psychologist. 

Even by the yardstick of the experiences most members here must have, mine is a particularly sad tale. I met this girl as a young 25-year-old. She was the love of my life, asked me to marry her, and even though I hadn't thought of it, I agreed. And then, of course, she disappeared from my life. Never gave me any explanation.

I never understood why she left but as the years passed I attributed it to a different reason that had less to do with her and more with her family. We stayed sporadically in touch but never met for over a decade. I didn't get married, and she went through two tumultuous ones. We met once a few years back and I remember thinking that she was so angry and resentful about her life. We met again a couple of years back and slept together. I didn't feel a thing, which I assume was on account of the scars I still bore from all those years back. But she got hung up on me, and after my next relationship ended we met a few times. All of a sudden all those feelings came flooding back, albeit in a different avatar. We were older, smarter (or so I thought), and she had a son. Next thing you know we were back in the thick of things.

To cut a long story short; I don't have to describe to all of you the stages a BPD relationship goes through. We fought a lot, broke up and made up...you know the drill. It became miserable for both of us but we lived, or at least I did, for the few good times that came along every now and then.

A few days back I thought she was lying to me about her ex-husband, and did something unforgivable. I went through her mail, and, well, I won't get into what I found. Suffice to say that it was a bad idea. She found out, and there was nothing more to say. I would have told her but I was really wondering how to bring up what I read. That's old hat now. I can't justify an invasion of privacy  to anyone, let alone to someone who never trusted me to begin with.

I never betrayed her or cheated on her or anything like that. Bent over backwards as some of are likely to do. Spent money that I didn't even have, and got quite close to her son. Now though, I didn't have a leg to stand on.With trust completely shattered, literally everything in our relationship came under question for her. We've not made up this time around. And I've let her go.

Thing is, I still don't know if she's been diagnosed. I realised it about a month back, and there was a reference to it in the mail I read. Her sudden aversion to her (and my) therapists suggests to me that she has. But she didn't tell me about it which meant that for all these months, there was no way for me to understand what was going on. I was mystified and pushed all the wrong buttons.

Now I don't know how to feel. She's a lovely woman under the BPD-driven behaviour. I can see that. And I feel really really terrible for her. I mean, really, when someone who love is ill, how can you not.

But I've reconciled myself to the fact that I can't be there for her if she isn't willing to help herself. And that this is a one-way ticket to a life of unhappiness. I suppose I should be thankful that we didn't get hitched. It just doesn't feel that way right now.

Apologies for the long ramble. Thanks for reading.

[arjay]

..."It became miserable for both of us but we lived, or at least I did, for the few good times that came along every now and then..."

I rememeber while in counseling for myself, I was asked what percent of the relationship was "good", as certainly there were "good parts".  I had to admit it was a "small piece of the whole pie".  We do end-up living for and clinging to those fleeting moments; those moments when everything was great.  Sadly that is no way to establish a long-term healthy relationship when the majority of the time we are dealing with the chaos.

I came away (after doing work on myself once my relationship ended), seeing my own short-comings and questioning "what I was thinking" when I knew the relationship was unhealthy.  I was the "white knight", finding value in myself by seemingly rescuing the "damsal in disress".  It was unhealthy of me to consider that as a foundation in the relationship (consciously or unconsciously).  Wounded people can often end-up with a wounded partner.  That was the most enlightening lesson for me.

As we go through life, the reality is we can only work on ourselves in trying to be a better person and understanding what constitues a healthy relationship/healthy partner.  Nothing we can do as individuals can ever help someone that either refuses and/or doesn't see the need to change.  If you returned to your partner a third, fourth and even fifth time, it would all be a repeat of what you have already experienced.  I ended mine twice, only to return being convinced I could "fix things".  She ended things finally and moved away.   It was like "ripping off the bandaid" but it really needed to happen.  15-years out for me, and even now I reflect on the "good moments", knowing now however, it is like being addicted to something that has its moments of a "high", yet knowing it will destroy us in the long run.

All the best