2 weeks of NC after a breakup with a quiet BPD partner

[Tupla Sport]

So,

I passed the 2 week mark on Wednesday. I'm feeling better and have very good days when I think I'm over the worst, but there's bubbles of intrusive thoughts and rumination popping up.

Some of the things I want to talk about right now are related to my growing understanding of the nature of the quiet type BPD, and the related waif type of BPD.

1. One of the most maddening aspects of the breakup is knowing that most other people in our lives, mine and ex's, have no clue about the extent of her mental turmoil. She always maintained a facade and never let it slip. Even the friend she monkey-branched with has probably overwritten my rants about her with her stories of me being the abuser all along. To her friends, she has bouts of depression, to me, she was an emotional void always asking for more while only giving intermittenly herself.

2. The deception feels like it's running so deep because everything even ended on a trick. She tricked me into taking a break and she used that time to latch onto my best friend. Now I know we needed to end the relationship but I still feel ultimately betrayed.

3. For a while I was bewildered by the mild manner in which she "let me go". It recently dawned on me she had completely othered me. I had quickly become one of the people she was holding the facade up for. Just one of the NPC's, only also being one of whom she desired to cut all contact with. No black split, just a friendly face saying "I never want to hear again from you. "

[AnotherVictim]

Hi Tupla Sport.

1). I can totaly relate. It’s maddening, that no one else sees the crazy-PLEASE READ. My ex- is highfunctioning, and extreme charming. The first time my friends meet her, they were enthralled by her and couldn’t believe have increadible charming and sweet she were. They were almost ready to adopt her. So is everyone, I’ve lost count of the times, someone who has just meet her, have told me, how nice, sweet and charming she is and how lucky I am. And I do feel lucky, except when her demon enters our relationship.

2) I’m so guttet for that betrayed. The evilness goes beyond anything. It’s as if, they have no human soul, complete cold and lack of empathy. Can’t begin to imagine your pain. They way and suddenness have left me equally bewildered, and questioning everything, did she ever love me, what was a lie, what wasn’t, how can they change feelings on a plate, and yes I’ve read and read and understand it rationally, but emotionally I can’t wrap my mind around it. And it’s the emotions trying to catch up with your own rational reasoning that is so hard, because emotionwise You (or at least me, still want her in my life).

Don't know It this post helps or not.

[Tupla Sport]

Yeah. Many times I wondered how nice it would be if she was that assertive and friendly when it was just the two of us. She was always at her most charming with more people involved. Alone with me, out came the sarcasm and... plain weirdness. Like she would be 100% one woman show, going on about the weird thoughts she had, regardless of context. Expecting me to play the role of the audience.

At one point, after she moved out, I realized she is still in the dopamine-drunk phase of the relationship or at least trying to keep it up. It was exhausting and anxiety-inducing. The whole "two people doing a bit at each other" is a fun dynamic but it can't be everything. At some point, I want my partner to look at me and read me just the tiniest bit without the nervousness and anxiety. The intimacy was never there; it was more like a creative social endeavour than a romantic relationship. There can be no romance if a party needs tons of reinforcement first to be close.

[AnotherVictim]

I think there’s a huge different in your ex-girlfriend and my – yours in quiet bpd – while mine is the aggressive impulsive – so when she is triggered she lashes out at me, blames me from everything, never takes responsibility and because they feel everything and act on every feeling = she breaks up and leaves me.

We’ve keep up our physical closeness and I would say that we have become much more intimate since your beginning. At first she couldn’t show herself in front of me in lingerie because of her deep hatred of herself and she could’t keep eye contact. But she’s overcome both, now she doesn’t have any problem showing herself off, I can still she’s embrassed, but I do think that they way I look at her with love have made her overcome this, and now equally we have the most intense eye-contact. And she’s really good at reinforcing me and uplifting me as a man, when we’re physical.   

[Tupla Sport]

I think there’s a huge different in your ex-girlfriend and my – yours in quiet bpd – while mine is the aggressive impulsive – so when she is triggered she lashes out at me, blames me from everything, never takes responsibility and because they feel everything and act on every feeling = she breaks up and leaves me.

We’ve keep up our physical closeness and I would say that we have become much more intimate since your beginning. At first she couldn’t show herself in front of me in lingerie because of her deep hatred of herself and she could’t keep eye contact. But she’s overcome both, now she doesn’t have any problem showing herself off, I can still she’s embrassed, but I do think that they way I look at her with love have made her overcome this, and now equally we have the most intense eye-contact. And she’s really good at reinforcing me and uplifting me as a man, when we’re physical.   

Her quiet BPD nature meant that she would not uphold her boundaries until it seemed that the pressure was too much and she would burst. She would for example be over-agreeable and not rock the boat until she would harness all that frustration and weaponize it against me. Tell me I had been leading her on, that she really didn't agree with me or like what I told her, etc.

In hindsight I should have ended the relationship once we started having our terrible fights in summer and fall of 2021. We would absolutely drain each other and destroy all the trust we had. We had good times after that but the soul of the r/s for sure had died by winter 2021. It was the longest winter of my life. I would be texting my friends every week to ask if I could crash at their place because she was being a monster at home.

After that, I ought not to be surprised by the breakup-by-break stunt she pulled but I was still under the illusion that she would get help and therapy. Even though the distance that was there after she moved out was good for me it was gnawing at her it seems. She complained at one point that I had stopped telling her I love her. I thought to myself, "why would I do that when she's breaking my trust by disconnecting every time I need her". I wanted to enter the compassionate phase of the relationship and she needed that early lovebombing juice, seemingly ad infinitum.