Keep concentrating on what you can do, since your wife doesn't want to do anything. Work with your therapist who specializes in high conflict / bpd scenarios to get some advise.
Number one piece of advise is to take care of number one -- SELF CARE [I learned this a few months ago, and it makes a world of difference].
I have also found the following book helpful for managing my pwBPD:
Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life
Book by Margalis Fjelstad
I've been in my relationship since the winter of 2000, and only figured out the BPD part recently, along with OCPD -- it's a long rough grueling marathon. I am trying some stuff outside of the box, time will tell if this 'hail mary' play will work.
The following is stupid as sh**; however, it is
*currently* working for me.
This is your 'don't try this at home warning'!
I strongly suggest reading
https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy especially the part "What Not To Do" as this is what I am doing [before I read it].
This is not recommended by anyone [other than me -- and that is with extreme
]; however, it is the solution I am currently pursuing has mixed results... and my wife is in counseling, albiet the wrong kind [for the time being].
If your wife will
not cheat on you,
and will
not leave you [threatening this doesn't count, but do call her bluff as a 'test'],
and must have an excellent moral compass [a genuine desire to do the right thing with others
and religiously / fervently believes in being faithful -- this is also an OCPD trait which offsets the BPD in this regard] you might want to consider what I am doing as it has gotten my wife to at least look at it and seems to be willing to do counseling
at a great emotional cost. If you are interested, click on my avatar's name of SaltyDawg and look for the "Show the last posts of this person." link, and follow it -- I am going to make you look for it. Even though this is 'bleeding edge' [my perspective & Randi Kreger's 2017 statement where mental health is 50 years behind the times for not letting pwBPD know their diagnosis or symptoms of being BPD] or '
stupid as sh*t' [all other sources including Randi Kreger's 'stop walking on eggshells' book] I strongly think ['gut instinct feeling'] that all 3 of the conditions that I mention above must be met before you can even consider to try this.
Before trying this method, I would suggest you run a [cruel but necessary] test that I mentioned above, and casually, but convincingly suggest that you think that you may be planning on leaving if she doesn't proceed with DBT [an ultimatum of sorts; however, be prepared to convincingly follow through with it with drawn out steps [days or even weeks] when she is not splitting [you really need to think this through thoroughly before trying it] -- and hopefully she will stop you at some point, or you will have to stop yourself if she doesn't - but if you do stop, and don't follow through whatever ultimatum you pick, all future ultimatums will be useless no matter how genuine] -- our previous couple's counselor who was not trained in BPD [who ghosted us] did this for us just before dumping us [this revealed the inherent codependency traits that most genuine BPDs share -- this helped convince me to follow my heart on this route as my wife panic and begged me not to leave after convincing me on several occasions that she wanted a divorce.
If you want her to get into counseling, she needs to perceive that she has hit 'rock bottom' and needs to get into therapy to help herself. You may have to be manipulative [with good intentions] to do this. I've shared what I have just recently identified in my wife of 20 years [learned in the past month] what her greatest fear is -- abandonment. Find out your wife's greatest fear, and use it to manipulate her into 'doing the right thing' -- just as you would use reverse psychology with a tot, but at an adult level. This will come at a great emotional cost [it did for me], but it did stop the 'bat sh*t crazy' at the expense of her affections [for me]. YMMV [your mileage may
will vary] as each pwBPD is different.
If and when you have determined you want to follow this route.
WAIT at least a week, if not longer. You know your pwBPD best, and play in your mind all of the scenarios on what she is capable of doing and not doing based on your past experience with her and IF you are acceptable of all possible and impossible outcomes [no matter how illogical and/or irrational that pops into your mind while considering this] -- bounce it off your therapist [mine did not indicate 'negative', a double negative, which I took as a positive] and if you don't have one, bounce it off your best friend [who is knowledgeable of the situation] and get their opinion too.
POSITIVES - The Batsh** Crazy Stopped [for now going on 4 weeks, the longest it's been since it started in 2003], she is becoming partially "self-aware", and is addressing the symptoms that she is 'self-aware' on. She is getting more counseling/therapy [albeit of a non CBT variety, but it is helpful none the less]
NEGATIVES - She will be pi**ed at you, and give you the cold shoulder [at least for me], but, it willing to go to couple's therapy for it.
I call that a 'net positive'.
Reminder, everything I just said, no one else recommends, and do not try it at home. I am going to repeat myself, if anything read this first:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy especially the part "What Not To Do" as this is what I am doing [before I read it].
Good luck.
