I don't have the will to go on without her - I need to get her back

[lostinthemesh]

I feel like my story is long and complicated, but I would really like the support of others if they can spare it, so I'll try to condense it down into bullet points, in chronological order:

- victim of CSA around age 7-8. Repressed the memory. Not sure how many occasions or perpetrators. Family didn't know. Some have told me they should have known.
- from this point on, the rest of my life until now was affected in some way. childhood was very difficult, and warning signs of trauma were ignored/not taken seriously enough by parents
- I remember a time when my parents showed me more affection, but the older I got, the less this seemed to be present. Eventually, I feel it vanished
- parents were type-A personalities in politics and public policy. Father ended up as senior politician in my country. Got to the point where I hardly ever saw them. Didn't have a 17th birthday because it fell 2 days before an election, which was obviously more important to them
- left home at 18 but periodically returned because I couldn't hold down any job or venture for very long
- I was under-socialised, extremely shy and often very vulnerable
- when I was 21 a woman I had been seeing told me she was pregnant. We later found out that it wasn't mine. I stayed anyway and tried to help her raise the kid for 3 years, but she was too horrible and violent towards me, so in the end I left
- didn't really emerge from my shell, personality-wise until after a spell in the military when I returned to university for 2nd time (age 27), and started having a bit more sex and was kinda idolised by the other students because I was 8-10 years older than them all
- first relationship where I felt my love was requited (29yo-32 yo) affected me a lot and devastated me when it was over, but I know now that the love I felt was nothing compared to later connection in terms of maturity and strength
- I moved overseas and worked abroad from 33yo to 39yo. During this time I met, became close to, and married a woman I am still technically married to, but lately started divorce proceedings with. I did everything I could to make it work but we just weren't a good enough match to spend our lives together. We still try to be good friends and chat with each other on WhatsApp but there are many things I can't tell her, so she cannot be the confidante and very close friend I need
- in 2019, I had a string of mental breakdowns, stopped working, my marriage broke up, and then the memory of my CSA surfaced just to make a final whammy
- it was initially so hard to cope with but then out of nowhere the literal LOVE OF MY LIFE appeared like an angel, absolutely everything I would want in a woman
- sadly, she too had a lot of problems (including a BPD diagnosis), and our problems often triggered each other and also the challenges we faced in our daily lives, the coronavirus nightmare, our mutual abandonment by our families, the death of my father, and many, many other traumas - all compounded to strain the relationship many times. We separated 3 previous times but it never felt like this, and I felt sure we would get back together
- 2 weeks ago during a row, I broke a chair and broke some other objects and completely lost my temper after a really difficult period FOR HER that had placed a lot of strain on me (perhaps the details of this are important but I won't go into this just this second)
- she was scared, and left, and I haven't seen her since, and have barely had any contact with her at all, and she has said outright that she doesn't want a relationship with me anymore

Honestly, I am so crushed that to say 'I don't want to live without her' is actually an understatement.

She is so important to me, and to lose her in this way, due to a moment of uncontrolled anger, seems so unfair and nightmarish, that, together with the fact that I'm not going to meet anyone else even remotely like her, just slays me

- - I am not sure exactly what kind of support I need or am looking for, but the separation, and in particular the close to zero contact, makes me feel abandoned and hopeless, not to mention worthless.

HOW IS ANYONE SUPPOSED TO DEAL WITH THAT?
What kind of life is this?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi, lostinthemesh,

You really have had a lot of traumatic and difficult things happen to you in your life. Thank you so much for having the courage to share that with us. I'm very glad you're here, and welcome to the community.

It sounds like you have had some turbulence in this relationship, but never to this degree. You both have had external stressors that have contributed to the difficulties in the relationship, and recently the build up of the strain got to an overwhelming level. You reacted in anger and did some things you deeply regret, and now you are struggling to cope with the separation.

How have you dealt with stress, frustration, or anger in the past? Is this the first time you have lost your temper in this way?

What kind of supports do you have in your life?

[SinisterComplex]

I feel like my story is long and complicated, but I would really like the support of others if they can spare it, so I'll try to condense it down into bullet points, in chronological order:

- victim of CSA around age 7-8. Repressed the memory. Not sure how many occasions or perpetrators. Family didn't know. Some have told me they should have known.
- from this point on, the rest of my life until now was affected in some way. childhood was very difficult, and warning signs of trauma were ignored/not taken seriously enough by parents
- I remember a time when my parents showed me more affection, but the older I got, the less this seemed to be present. Eventually, I feel it vanished
- parents were type-A personalities in politics and public policy. Father ended up as senior politician in my country. Got to the point where I hardly ever saw them. Didn't have a 17th birthday because it fell 2 days before an election, which was obviously more important to them
- left home at 18 but periodically returned because I couldn't hold down any job or venture for very long
- I was under-socialised, extremely shy and often very vulnerable
- when I was 21 a woman I had been seeing told me she was pregnant. We later found out that it wasn't mine. I stayed anyway and tried to help her raise the kid for 3 years, but she was too horrible and violent towards me, so in the end I left
- didn't really emerge from my shell, personality-wise until after a spell in the military when I returned to university for 2nd time (age 27), and started having a bit more sex and was kinda idolised by the other students because I was 8-10 years older than them all
- first relationship where I felt my love was requited (29yo-32 yo) affected me a lot and devastated me when it was over, but I know now that the love I felt was nothing compared to later connection in terms of maturity and strength
- I moved overseas and worked abroad from 33yo to 39yo. During this time I met, became close to, and married a woman I am still technically married to, but lately started divorce proceedings with. I did everything I could to make it work but we just weren't a good enough match to spend our lives together. We still try to be good friends and chat with each other on WhatsApp but there are many things I can't tell her, so she cannot be the confidante and very close friend I need
- in 2019, I had a string of mental breakdowns, stopped working, my marriage broke up, and then the memory of my CSA surfaced just to make a final whammy
- it was initially so hard to cope with but then out of nowhere the literal LOVE OF MY LIFE appeared like an angel, absolutely everything I would want in a woman
- sadly, she too had a lot of problems (including a BPD diagnosis), and our problems often triggered each other and also the challenges we faced in our daily lives, the coronavirus nightmare, our mutual abandonment by our families, the death of my father, and many, many other traumas - all compounded to strain the relationship many times. We separated 3 previous times but it never felt like this, and I felt sure we would get back together
- 2 weeks ago during a row, I broke a chair and broke some other objects and completely lost my temper after a really difficult period FOR HER that had placed a lot of strain on me (perhaps the details of this are important but I won't go into this just this second)
- she was scared, and left, and I haven't seen her since, and have barely had any contact with her at all, and she has said outright that she doesn't want a relationship with me anymore

Honestly, I am so crushed that to say 'I don't want to live without her' is actually an understatement.

She is so important to me, and to lose her in this way, due to a moment of uncontrolled anger, seems so unfair and nightmarish, that, together with the fact that I'm not going to meet anyone else even remotely like her, just slays me

- - I am not sure exactly what kind of support I need or am looking for, but the separation, and in particular the close to zero contact, makes me feel abandoned and hopeless, not to mention worthless.

HOW IS ANYONE SUPPOSED TO DEAL WITH THAT?
What kind of life is this?

Hey Lostinthemesh, first what I want you to do is take a moment and just be kind to you. I'm serious. You made a mistake. S happens. You are human therefore you are flawed and will never be perfect. So take that pressure off yourself.

Here is what you can't do...go back in time or fix what you did. It is what it is and it happened. All you can do now...focus on you and how you want to respond. This is a moment where you get to choose how you are going to be moving forward. Emotion got the best of you. I gather you probably have a lot that has built up over the years and it came out in one explosive moment like a volcanic eruption. You are not the first person to have this happen or to behave this way. You will not be the last. So you are not alone okay?

You cannot control what she does or how she feels. All you can do right now is focus on you and work to improve yourself. Yes this is hard and will be hard. But this is a chance to decide if you are going to respond with an open mind and grow or allow the dark emotions and negativity take hold and make you crumble. I need you to hear me...you can win and you can get through this.

Put this in your mind and make it stick...Through Adversity There Is Redemption! Depending on how you respond to this adversity this can either be a good thing and be a positive force or a bad thing and a negative force. The beauty to this is that for the most part you do have the power and you do have the control.

Please be kind to you and take care of yourself. Also continue to post and vent, and ask as many questions as you need to. This fam here cares. Let this community help you, guide you, and lift you up.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[formflier]

Hey lostinthemesh,

I want to join the others in offering support!   How are you feeling about things today?

Looking forward to hearing from you!

Best,

FF

[lostinthemesh]

Right now I'm feeling very fragile, and afraid to let myself feel anything for fear for my health, honestly.
I've not been able to sleep properly in such a really long time (since before the break-up), I'm not eating properly.
I've been trying to numb myself with Star Trek: Voyager reruns and 'being kind to myself' by not feeling bad about getting takeout 3x a week because I don't have the mental energy to cook or buy groceries.
I'm reading a lot and watching a lot of videos, both from a straightforward 'breakup reversal' angle but also one that relates specifically to our issues (hers and mine) [I should say at this point that I think the BPD/PTSD/CPTSD labels are a little nebulous to me, and I think it's more helpful just to say that we both suffered complex trauma, and although we behave differently, I would fulfil 6 of the 9 criteria for BPD just the same as her. The main difference in behaviour is that I would never leave her, not because of fear or weakness but simply love. I don't think that 'codepedency' is necessarily a terrible thing. Being with her is simply the one thing that I want most - scratch that the only thing I know for sure I want.
Obviously I DO want to get better myself, and not just for the sake of enabling us to get back together, but the idea of getting better myself and then still being separated would just floor me more than I already am.
So all this is to say that I'm sleep-deprived, terrified, confused, anxious off the scale, depressed at the same time, tired of hearing that I NEED/MUST/HAVE TO move on, time's a healer, yadda yadda. Tired of not being heard when I say that getting better AND reconciling with E is the ONLY thing that I want, and that I don't WANT to want anything else (one reason for this is that the only thing I've ever liked about myself in my whole life is how I was towards her for 99.9999% of the time she and I spent together. She brought out the best in me, which is only 1 of 100s of reasons I love her so much).

One of the things I'm taking away from the books and videos is the idea that IF there is to be any possibility of a reconciliation then a period of no contact will reveal that, and I need to give her and myself an ample amount of time to figure things out. I feel more positive when I think of that as something positive.

But I'm still terrified that it might all be in vain.

Unlike many on here, I was able to cope almost all the time with the things that she did that, if I could click my fingers, I'd rather she didn't do (double standards etc.). I coped because I LEARNED and ACCEPTED that I was happier being with her and riding the waves and giving a large amount of energy to soothing, than being alone. Being alone is the worst. Not because I NEED to be with someone in general, but because after finding the most special and precious thing in the world, to lose that just feels... well the worst.

Anyway, I'm in wall-of-text territory now. Hopefully it wasn't too off-putting.

Thanks for inviting me to share.

[EDIT: Oh btw just saw the question about support. I have next to nothing. A partially estranged mother, one friend who it doesn't really work to talk to and whose first response was 'you need to get over it', and a broken healthcare system that is currently enabling an epidemic of suicides and doesn't look fixable - certainly doesn't do anything for me]

[Manic Miner]

Greetings, sorry to hear that, it sounds you have endured a lot.

If you really are so certain she is the love of your life, you can't fix the past but can change the future.

So, go fight for her. Don't let her slip away. Try to communicate but gently. Listen to her. Don't do anything frantically, try to be kind and offer her hope that your lives would be better together. Be honest how much she means to you. Do something you know she would love or asked you before but you never did it.

Work on your anger. Don't let that happen again, esp. if that was the reason she snapped and left.

Lots of things you can do, but don't pity or feel victimized. You have better things to do now and there is hope future will be brighter. I trust you can do it. 

[I Am Redeemed]

I'm sorry you are not finding the support you need from your friend. Telling you that you need to move on is not helpful. Sometimes we get invalidating advice from people in our lives who don't know what to say or don't understand the intensity of our struggles.

Good for you for recognizing that you can be kind to yourself at this time. You are experiencing a very real life stressor and having very real feelings and emotions, and it's okay to feel what you feel. It's okay to not have the energy for cooking or grocery shopping.

Moving on isn't something you can just magically do, and time doesn't necessarily heal all wounds.

If getting better for yourself and then still not resuming the relationship is too overwhelming to think about, then try to stop your thoughts at "I want to get better". That's a good goal.

Having suffered complex trauma myself, one of the most simple tools I use to reduce anxiety is deep breathing. Box breathing is one of the exercises I use daily. There are some videos on YouTube that guide you through using box breathing to regulate anxiety. I try to do it twice a day or anytime I feel really anxious.

[Pook075]

One of the things I'm taking away from the books and videos is the idea that IF there is to be any possibility of a reconciliation then a period of no contact will reveal that, and I need to give her and myself an ample amount of time to figure things out. I feel more positive when I think of that as something positive.

But I'm still terrified that it might all be in vain.

Hi Lost!

We have very similar stories and I am essentially on the same journey as you; my PBD wife and I have been separated for about 10 weeks.  And about 6 weeks ago, I had the exact same reactions, feelings, etc...I had to have her back no matter what, it's the only thing that mattered.

Today, I still want her back...but I can tell you that it's not the only thing that matters.  In my life, faith is #1.  My well being is #2.  My adult kids, other family, and friends come next.  And while my wife is still the biggest priority in life, there's nothing I can say or do to change my outcome today.  So I'm giving her all the space she needs and I'm using this time to better myself, to strengthen my relationships with everyone else.  

I'm in the gym working out, plus riding my bike every chance I get.  I'm going on nature walks, eating healthier, and listening to more music.  Like you, I'm watching videos and reading, but not just on "quick fix" solutions to my marriage...because there is no quick fix.  My wife will return once her mindset changes, and that could be tomorrow or 5 years from now.  I can't control that so I don't focus on it...I focus on me instead.

I quoted what you said above because it's critical- you already know the answer here.  Focus on what you can control, on making your life better, on growing as a person and a friend to others in your life.  That sounds so cliché but it's really not, and I'm walking proof that you can lose the love of your life (we've been married 24 years) and still get your act together, still better yourself.

Oh, and one more thing.  I've been depressed like all of us in this situation, but I do not have any mental illnesses or severe trauma from my past.  I had great parents, awesome friends, and pretty much a blessed life.  Yet I still have felt EXACTLY the way you feel now, I have to have her back, I can't go on without her.  So just know that how you feel is not because of your past, your failures, etc.  We all feel that way in the moment and it is devastating.  

Ten weeks later, I still have my moments where I fall to pieces...but that's okay.  That's where all the other relationships I've focused on strengthening comes into play, people are here for me, to support me and lift me up.  That's what friends and family are for, that's what this forum is for.  So don't be afraid to lean on others in your worst moments.