Separated for over a year now

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello all,

I have posted a few times on here and have gone through with the separation.  I have held ground over this past year with no sexual contact or talk about getting back together with many attempts by my ex wife.  I have struggled immensely to find myself and my own social life outside of being a dad to my two daughters. 
I feel like I can not blame her anymore as it has been a year but I still seem to get sucked into the tar pit of her emotions. 
She is in a new relationship (while still trying to get back together with me) and saying how unhappy she is with him and wants our family back.  She has used
many tactics including using the kids "wants" to get back into my life.  This new relationship is being deemed as a blended family as he has a daughter he sees on and off and has been introduced to my kids.  First I wanted to save her, him and my kids from this crazy but have moved on from that as its out of my control.   She insists that we all need to do things together as a big happy blended family.  Me, her new boyfriend, our kids as well as his ex and his kid.  Am I wrong for not wanting that?

Mainly is there any ideas out there on how to get my life back.  I have developed social anxiety (which I may have had before and used my ill wife as an excuse).
Depression may be something I am dealing with as sometimes I still miss my ex-wife even though I know it was hell for me, I can't help but feel at least I had value being her punching bag. 

[WalkingonEggshel]

Hello all,

I have posted a few times on here and have gone through with the separation.  I have held ground over this past year with no sexual contact or talk about getting back together with many attempts by my ex wife.  I have struggled immensely to find myself and my own social life outside of being a dad to my two daughters. 
I feel like I can not blame her anymore as it has been a year but I still seem to get sucked into the tar pit of her emotions. 
She is in a new relationship (while still trying to get back together with me) and saying how unhappy she is with him and wants our family back.  She has used
many tactics including using the kids "wants" to get back into my life.  This new relationship is being deemed as a blended family as he has a daughter he sees on and off and has been introduced to my kids.  First I wanted to save her, him and my kids from this crazy but have moved on from that as its out of my control.   She insists that we all need to do things together as a big happy blended family.  Me, her new boyfriend, our kids as well as his ex and his kid.  Am I wrong for not wanting that?

Mainly is there any ideas out there on how to get my life back.  I have developed social anxiety (which I may have had before and used my ill wife as an excuse).
Depression may be something I am dealing with as sometimes I still miss my ex-wife even though I know it was hell for me, I can't help but feel at least I had value being her punching bag. 

[ForeverDad]

Sadly, (virtually?) all of us found that when the relationship was over, it was over and had to be over.  Otherwise we'd be sucked back into the cycles of ups, downs and chaos.

Some of us too had to beware of being moved to the back burner on the stove to simmer in case the ex's new relationship went south.

Yet the children had to be shared.  One idea to try (so as not to get morphed into one big happy) is to have your own celebrations with your kids.  Most parenting holiday schedules have parents alternating holidays and kids' birthdays and then the next year switch around so that over the course of two years each parent gets all events.  There's no law that says when it's not your event that year that you can't set a date before or after on your own parenting time.  Your kids might not mind it, after all they would get two of such holidays.

What you can't avoid is when their schools have events or graduations, etc.  However, my ex and I did have separate appointments for parent-teacher conferences.

All that helps minimize the guilting or conflation of your lives that the ex may attempt.

[Turkish]

It sounds like her beau might be weird as well, though it might be just that's how they work, and it might work for them (him and his ex), who knows?

She's trying to get back together with you while at the same time proposing The Brady Bunch Cubed. No, you're not weird for not wanting that. Even if they got married, you're still not weird.

I had to attend events with the ex-laws with my ex's beau, then husband, there. I didn't like it, but took one for the team. Yet even that wasn't quite to the level that you're describing.

Your time is your time with the kids.

[WalkingonEggshel]

Thank you for the reply.  That is how I envision it however, I am being told be her and her family that me not doing that is bad for my children and I am a bad father because of it.  I can't understand if I really am a bad father and letting my personal stuff get in the way.

Sadly, (virtually?) all of us found that when the relationship was over, it was over and had to be over.  Otherwise we'd be sucked back into the cycles of ups, downs and chaos.

Some of us too had to beware of being moved to the back burner on the stove to simmer in case the ex's new relationship went south.

Yet the children had to be shared.  One idea to try (so as not to get morphed into one big happy) is to have your own celebrations with your kids.  Most parenting holiday schedules have parents alternating holidays and kids' birthdays and then the next year switch around so that over the course of two years each parent gets all events.  There's no law that says when it's not your event that year that you can't set a date before or after on your own parenting time.  Your kids might not mind it, after all they would get two of such holidays.

What you can't avoid is when their schools have events or graduations, etc.  However, my ex and I did have separate appointments for parent-teacher conferences.

All that helps minimize the guilting or conflation of your lives that the ex may attempt.

[ForeverDad]

It's your decision whether to accept their views - or hold to the principles and convictions that have you less uncomfortable.

You have the right to live your life by your principles, just as they have their right to live by how they want to live.  If theirs doesn't mesh with yours, then do as you feel is right as long as you follow the court approved custody and parenting schedule.

It is your decision, but I'd venture to say no one here has an issue with you living in your comfort zone, perhaps with some limited appropriate exceptions now and then.

[BigOof]

WalkingonEggshel, it sounds like you're (almost) at the acceptance stage of grief.

Might be time to get a hobby, join a club, or start a new business?

[I Am Redeemed]

Letting your personal stuff get in the way might look like putting your ex and her family down in front of the kids, not communicating with the ex when it's something important about the kids, telling the kids how to think or feel about the ex and her family or new partner, trying to discourage or interfere in the kids' participation in activities with the other side of the family (for reasons unrelated to safety and well-being of the kids), etc.

Not wanting to participate in activities inauthenticity as "one big happy family" when that's not reality is not letting your personal stuff get in the way. It's a preference for keeping your life with your children separate from your ex's, and that is perfectly fine.

[WalkingonEggshel]

I believe you are right!  my recent therapist visit told me the same thing which does give me a feeling of happiness and hope.  Being more social is deffinetly number one on my list I need to do!

Thank you!

WalkingonEggshel, it sounds like you're (almost) at the acceptance stage of grief.

Might be time to get a hobby, join a club, or start a new business?

[WalkingonEggshel]

Thank you for the words.  It is funny when someone puts your feelings into rational words that makes sense.  Thank you for that.

Letting your personal stuff get in the way might look like putting your ex and her family down in front of the kids, not communicating with the ex when it's something important about the kids, telling the kids how to think or feel about the ex and her family or new partner, trying to discourage or interfere in the kids' participation in activities with the other side of the family (for reasons unrelated to safety and well-being of the kids), etc.

Not wanting to participate in activities inauthenticity as "one big happy family" when that's not reality is not letting your personal stuff get in the way. It's a preference for keeping your life with your children separate from your ex's, and that is perfectly fine.