Diagnosis + Treatment
The Big Picture
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? [ Video ]
Five Dimensions of Human Personality
Think It's BPD but How Can I Know?
DSM Criteria for Personality Disorders
Treatment of BPD [ Video ]
Getting a Loved One Into Therapy
Top 50 Questions Members Ask
Home page
Forum
List of discussion groups
Making a first post
Find last post
Discussion group guidelines
Tips
Romantic relationship in or near breakup
Child (adult or adolescent) with BPD
Sibling or Parent with BPD
Boyfriend/Girlfriend with BPD
Partner or Spouse with BPD
Surviving a Failed Romantic Relationship
Tools
Wisemind
Ending conflict (3 minute lesson)
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Setting boundaries
On-line CBT
Book reviews
Member workshops
About
Mission and Purpose
Website Policies
Membership Eligibility
Please Donate
August 25, 2024, 06:35:03 AM
Welcome,
Guest
. Please
login
or
register
.
1 Hour
5 Hours
1 Day
1 Week
Forever
Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins:
Kells76
,
Once Removed
,
Turkish
Senior Ambassadors:
EyesUp
,
SinisterComplex
Help!
Boards
Please Donate
Login to Post
New?--Click here to register
Books most popular with members
104
Stop Caretaking the
Borderline or the Narcassist
Stop Walking
on Eggshells
Journey from
Abandonment to Healing
The Search for Real Self
Unmasking Personality Disorders
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
> Topic:
Separated for over a year now
Pages: [
1
]
Go Down
« previous
next »
Print
Author
Topic: Separated for over a year now (Read 456 times)
WalkingonEggshel
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 55
Separated for over a year now
«
on:
October 31, 2022, 12:23:18 PM »
Hello all,
I have posted a few times on here and have gone through with the separation. I have held ground over this past year with no sexual contact or talk about getting back together with many attempts by my ex wife. I have struggled immensely to find myself and my own social life outside of being a dad to my two daughters.
I feel like I can not blame her anymore as it has been a year but I still seem to get sucked into the tar pit of her emotions.
She is in a new relationship (while still trying to get back together with me) and saying how unhappy she is with him and wants our family back. She has used
many tactics including using the kids "wants" to get back into my life. This new relationship is being deemed as a blended family as he has a daughter he sees on and off and has been introduced to my kids. First I wanted to save her, him and my kids from this crazy but have moved on from that as its out of my control.
She insists that we all need to do things together as a big happy blended family. Me, her new boyfriend, our kids as well as his ex and his kid. Am I wrong for not wanting that?
Mainly is there any ideas out there on how to get my life back. I have developed social anxiety (which I may have had before and used my ill wife as an excuse).
Depression may be something I am dealing with as sometimes I still miss my ex-wife even though I know it was hell for me, I can't help but feel at least I had value being her punching bag.
Logged
ForeverDad
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18338
You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...
Re: Separated for over a year now
«
Reply #1 on:
October 31, 2022, 04:12:04 PM »
Sadly, (virtually?) all of us found that when the relationship was over, it was over and had to be over. Otherwise we'd be sucked back into the cycles of ups, downs and chaos.
Some of us too had to beware of being moved to the back burner on the stove to simmer in case the ex's new relationship went south.
Yet the children had to be shared. One idea to try (so as not to get morphed into one big happy) is to have your own celebrations with your kids. Most parenting holiday schedules have parents alternating holidays and kids' birthdays and then the next year switch around so that over the course of two years each parent gets all events. There's no law that says when it's not your event that year that you can't set a date before or after on your own parenting time. Your kids might not mind it, after all they would get two of such holidays.
What you can't avoid is when their schools have events or graduations, etc. However, my ex and I did have separate appointments for parent-teacher conferences.
All that helps minimize the guilting or conflation of your lives that the ex may attempt.
Logged
Turkish
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2014; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12177
Dad to my wolf pack
Re: Separated for over a year now
«
Reply #2 on:
October 31, 2022, 08:44:31 PM »
It sounds like her beau might be weird as well, though it might be just that's how they work, and it might work for them (him and his ex), who knows?
She's trying to get back together with you while at the same time proposing The Brady Bunch Cubed. No, you're not weird for not wanting that. Even if they got married, you're still not weird.
I had to attend events with the ex-laws with my ex's beau, then husband, there. I didn't like it, but took one for the team. Yet even that wasn't quite to the level that you're describing.
Your time is your time with the kids.
Logged
“For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
WalkingonEggshel
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 55
Re: Separated for over a year now
«
Reply #3 on:
November 08, 2022, 08:42:56 AM »
Thank you for the reply. That is how I envision it however, I am being told be her and her family that me not doing that is bad for my children and I am a bad father because of it. I can't understand if I really am a bad father and letting my personal stuff get in the way.
Quote from: ForeverDad on October 31, 2022, 04:12:04 PM
Sadly, (virtually?) all of us found that when the relationship was over, it was over and had to be over. Otherwise we'd be sucked back into the cycles of ups, downs and chaos.
Some of us too had to beware of being moved to the back burner on the stove to simmer in case the ex's new relationship went south.
Yet the children had to be shared. One idea to try (so as not to get morphed into one big happy) is to have your own celebrations with your kids. Most parenting holiday schedules have parents alternating holidays and kids' birthdays and then the next year switch around so that over the course of two years each parent gets all events. There's no law that says when it's not your event that year that you can't set a date before or after on your own parenting time. Your kids might not mind it, after all they would get two of such holidays.
What you can't avoid is when their schools have events or graduations, etc. However, my ex and I did have separate appointments for parent-teacher conferences.
All that helps minimize the guilting or conflation of your lives that the ex may attempt.
Logged
ForeverDad
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18338
You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...
Re: Separated for over a year now
«
Reply #4 on:
November 08, 2022, 05:52:03 PM »
It's your decision whether to accept their views - or hold to the principles and convictions that have you less uncomfortable.
You have the right to live your life by your principles, just as they have their right to live by how they want to live. If theirs doesn't mesh with yours, then do as you feel is right as long as you follow the court approved custody and parenting schedule.
It is your decision, but I'd venture to say no one here has an issue with you living in your comfort zone, perhaps with some limited appropriate exceptions now and then.
Logged
BigOof
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Never-ending divorce
Posts: 376
Re: Separated for over a year now
«
Reply #5 on:
November 08, 2022, 08:14:30 PM »
WalkingonEggshel, it sounds like you're (almost) at the acceptance stage of grief.
Might be time to get a hobby, join a club, or start a new business?
Logged
I Am Redeemed
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 1915
Re: Separated for over a year now
«
Reply #6 on:
November 09, 2022, 07:30:00 AM »
Letting your personal stuff get in the way might look like putting your ex and her family down in front of the kids, not communicating with the ex when it's something important about the kids, telling the kids how to think or feel about the ex and her family or new partner, trying to discourage or interfere in the kids' participation in activities with the other side of the family (for reasons unrelated to safety and well-being of the kids), etc.
Not wanting to participate in activities inauthenticity as "one big happy family" when that's not reality is not letting your personal stuff get in the way. It's a preference for keeping your life with your children separate from your ex's, and that is perfectly fine.
Logged
We are more than just our stories.
WalkingonEggshel
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 55
Re: Separated for over a year now
«
Reply #7 on:
November 14, 2022, 09:43:22 AM »
I believe you are right! my recent therapist visit told me the same thing which does give me a feeling of happiness and hope. Being more social is deffinetly number one on my list I need to do!
Thank you!
Quote from: BigOof on November 08, 2022, 08:14:30 PM
WalkingonEggshel, it sounds like you're (almost) at the acceptance stage of grief.
Might be time to get a hobby, join a club, or start a new business?
Logged
WalkingonEggshel
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 55
Re: Separated for over a year now
«
Reply #8 on:
November 14, 2022, 09:44:05 AM »
Thank you for the words. It is funny when someone puts your feelings into rational words that makes sense. Thank you for that.
Quote from: I Am Redeemed on November 09, 2022, 07:30:00 AM
Letting your personal stuff get in the way might look like putting your ex and her family down in front of the kids, not communicating with the ex when it's something important about the kids, telling the kids how to think or feel about the ex and her family or new partner, trying to discourage or interfere in the kids' participation in activities with the other side of the family (for reasons unrelated to safety and well-being of the kids), etc.
Not wanting to participate in activities inauthenticity as "one big happy family" when that's not reality is not letting your personal stuff get in the way. It's a preference for keeping your life with your children separate from your ex's, and that is perfectly fine.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?
Pages: [
1
]
Go Up
Print
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
> Topic:
Separated for over a year now
« previous
next »
Jump to:
Please select a destination:
-----------------------------
Help Desk
-----------------------------
===> Open board
-----------------------------
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
-----------------------------
=> Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
=> Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
=> Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
-----------------------------
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
-----------------------------
=> Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD
=> Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD
-----------------------------
Community Built Knowledge Base
-----------------------------
=> Library: Psychology questions and answers
=> Library: Tools and skills workshops
=> Library: Book Club, previews and discussions
=> Library: Video, audio, and pdfs
=> Library: Content to critique for possible feature articles
=> Library: BPDFamily research surveys
Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife
Loading...