Is my BPD relationship normal or worse than the average?

[ZHonda]

I just spent all day reading others posts before making this. Please do not take this as belittling other peoples issues when I say this. Im just trying to express the feeling I have when reading other peoples issues. I cant help but think "I wish that was my only problem" or "I would be totally happy if my wife was just that bad". Not at all belittling others but more of a wake up call and red flag that my own relationship may have gotten so toxic and so abusive and I just chaulked it up to BPD. Im wondering if BPD isnt all thats really going on and if maybe my situation is worse than a typical functioning BPD relationship. Maybe what I am about to say is others experience IDK. I just need a reality check. A few thins below.

- My wife basically forced me to quit my office job because I had female coworkers. For a year it was non stop fighting almost daily about not texting back every 5 minutes while I was working or demanding video calls in the office to make sure I am really there and not with some woman. Demaning I take videos during meetings to prove I was actually in meetings. Then ultimately demanding I leave the job because they "didnt value me". This was all before I knew about boundaries. I just wanted to make her happy so I typically complied. I work on my own now.

- My wife making me install a GPS tracker on my phone so she can monitor all my movements and everywhere I go.

- My wife periodically grabbing my phone to see who I have been texting, calling, what websites I have been to, what I have done on social media etc...

- My wife pushing every single friend I have out of my life. She did this by constant explosive arguments anytime a friend even asked me to hang out. She didnt even wait for an answer before just exploding with rage. Even texting friends was not ok as she woudl say things like "those are just dirty guys", "they will be a bad influince on you", or "they will get you in trouble". Keep in mind all my friends are great and good guys. Well use to be friends.

- She use to be violent. Not so much anymore.

- Since we have been married she has never been been happy for me when something good happens. She has always found something to fight about and disapear rather than just congatulate or even just shut up. Every time. IDK why. I assume me having a good day triggers her since it has to ALWAYS be about her feelings. I dont really know. There may be more to it than that.

- Once I did start putting up boundaries now the fights are incredibly brutal. Hours of yelling and screaming at the top of our lungs. Her slamming things, throwing things, spitting, cursing etc... She loves to go in the front yard and scream and yell so the neighbors can hear. If we are in public she loves to falsly accuse me of hitting her if I dont give her whatever she wants or I put up a boundary or Im just not complying.

- I havent been able to be away from her for 5 years because she is so paranoid about me being out of her sight. She is so worried I will do something bad like cheat or whatever.

- If I eat something that upsets my stomach and I have to use the bathroom a while or too often she typically gets very angry, accuses me of going in there to talk to other women and another rage fight breaks out.

- Every time I mow the yard I see her through the window on my computer and checking things. Probably going through history. Then when I get in she blows up about something completley innocent that she takes way out of context. Like if I watch a youtube video about hiking and it has a part of the video where they jump in a lake and the guys girlfriend gets in a bikini. Like of course I watched a 30 minute video JUST to see some random girl in a bikini for 1 minute. Makes a lot of sense.

I guess I am trying to gauge where I stand in hopes of ever having anything normal.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jabiru]

I've read stories more intense and less intense. How do you feel about the relationship?

[thankful person]

My dbpd wife controlled my entire life with her paranoia, rage and jealousy. I gave up my career, pastimes, family and friends for her. She bullied me and bullied me until I was an empty shell, and was also violent at times. I just wanted to die at this point but by then we had children. I wasn’t allowed to have showers without permission, to play the piano even though I am a professional. I wasn’t allowed to take photos of the children or send them to my mother. Somehow I gained enough confidence to realise that I owed it to my children, to improve things. I realised that they needed me, and for me to be emotionally healthy. That was nearly two years ago. I have turned things around single-handedly in this relationship, without my wife even being aware of my journey. I have taken so much power back and do many things she banned me from doing. My wife is so much calmer and more respectful towards me. “Stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist” was the best book I read. The people on here have been an amazing support and I couldn’t have done it without them. I wish you all the best.

[ClarityNow]

Wow. I’ll be honest, that’s worse than my own situation. Not being a psychologist, I’m not sure but she could have other disorders on top of the BPD. She is definitely being abusive: physically, verbally and emotionally. Have you gone to counseling yourself? My BPD husband has been emotionally abusive over the years, and going to counseling on my own helped me recognize what he was doing and figure out how to react to it. I don’t recommend marriage counseling, though, because abusers can be manipulative during that, so just go on your own.

When your wife is having a meltdown, it’s important to avoid participating in the drama. Particularly since she is abusive, when things escalate you need to remove yourself from the situation. Tell her you’re leaving and won’t return until she has calmed down. I find that when a pwBPD is in the midst of an episode, it’s absolutely pointless to try to reason with them, and in fact it’s pointless to even attempt to have a rational discussion with them until at least the next day, maybe even later.

I think you’re making a great first step right now by beginning to recognize the severity of your situation. You are being abused and you don’t deserve it.

[waverider]

I have been through phases as bad as that, made much worse when sleep depravation is at play. But it is not all like that, unfortunately it took extreme pushback conflict to break the cycle each time. If I just complied it just kept ramping up, as she is looking for the dramatic push back to provide the "evidence" that she is the victim and i am the bully. Rarely just faded away by ignoring it.

The trick was to convert "extreme pushback conflict" into stronger but more controlled and consistent boundaries ( this is hard and still occasionally fail as the fuse runs out)...To put it simply she is doing this because she can without restraint as there are no consequences. pwBPD loose all perspective of what is normal and acceptable behaviour.

Typically BPD does come with other "piggy back" issues such as extreme paranoid or persecution disorders". If alcholism and drug/ mediaction abuse is added to the mix and can become truely horrendous. The need to find evidence that they are a victim is pretty normal, and the will keep pushing until they find it, whether real or imagined. The more you try to avoid these potential "proofs" the longer the search continues.

[Ergonomics]

Doesn't sound that bad to me. But what matters now is what you do next - do you make it worse, or better. For me, what made things worse was me "labeling" my partner as having as personality disorder. Once I stopped doing that, it was amazing how much things changed.

Be careful of labeling your partner - For me, it made her BPD into a self-fulfilling prophecy. And I can understand that. I was placed a bunch of labels when I was younger, and it sure did not make me want to change/become better.

[ClarityNow]

Doesn't sound that bad to me. But what matters now is what you do next - do you make it worse, or better. For me, what made things worse was me "labeling" my partner as having as personality disorder. Once I stopped doing that, it was amazing how much things changed.

Be careful of labeling your partner - For me, it made her BPD into a self-fulfilling prophecy. And I can understand that. I was placed a bunch of labels when I was younger, and it sure did not make me want to change/become better.

Hmm, this sounds too much like you’re putting all the responsibility on the original poster to “make it better.” Using the label of BPD might not be helpful, but the behaviors (which sound very bad to me) still need to be addressed, and the poster needs to set firm boundaries. And I believe in telling someone when they are being abusive. Every single time.