My backstory is pretty simple.
We met in a teenage inpatient program at the start of the 2010's,
think Blink-182's video for After Midnight. I lived this. It was very unique & cute to be involved with a girl who understands what it's like to go through a mental health crisis... but it turned into a disaster as
she simply didn't get better.Even though we had just graduated high school and seemingly had all the freedom in the world, my girlfriend was often reluctant to leave the house and constantly in some sort of turmoil. We don't even have a single photo together because seeing her was so infrequent, and most nights I would have to spend hours talking her out of a BPD meltdown via Facebook as opposed to doing cute things like getting ice cream or seeing a movie, like all my friends were doing with their S/O's. I grew extremely jealous of them.
As you can imagine, it didn't end well. Breakups were almost on a schedule, meltdowns were eventually directed at me, some text messages I received were scary, I discovered a variety of other skeletons in her closet, and I was assaulted on one occasion by this little 5'3 model whom, upon looking at her, you'd never guess she was capable of this.
It left me traumatized and I felt odd emotionally for several years, but was optimistic there would be another girl. I was 20. Time was on my side.
I turned 30 a few weeks back.
No other girl, ever came along. I got a solid career in the video game industry. I abstained from alcohol and drugs completely. I became a successful amateur race car driver. I have been left utterly confused as to what I did wrong.
I didn't realize how much of a problem it was, until Covid/OnlyFans became a thing. I began using it as a platform to casually talk to girls (making up for lost time?), and amassed a harem of eStripper friends. Many got extremely comfortable with me & added me with their personal social media accounts, and I had a one night stand with the one who lived closest. It's been expensive and highly out of character.
This year has been especially rough. I received a life-changing amount of money from a settlement, and a significant promotion at work. I've appeared in my local news and received five-figure gifts just for helping out in investor meetings.
Take a guess where most of that went. Instead of being excited, it sent me into a depression. There was nobody to come home to, nobody to take out to dinner and surprise her with the news. No plans to put a down payment on a house, nothing. I had nobody to share it with other than the eStrippers I casually chatted with, and have been bewildered that the only girl to give me the time of day, ever, was the shawty that had the prettiest smile in the psych ward. That's been my only relationship experience - a borderline girl.
The past weekend I was so depressed I did nothing but doomscroll on my phone and watch YouTube videos. I have no idea how to tell my friends or parents any of this but I was hoping someone here would understand.
Has anyone else been in the same boat?
