My soon to be ex-husband has BPD, doesn't know it, and had an affair

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello,

I am new to this discussion board. I am reaching out to a community for help, support and guidance. My soon to be ex-husband has BPD. He does not know this. He has a lot of childhood trauma and when my journey of self-discovery brought me to the diagnosis of BPD I suddenly felt like I was reading about my relationship. I started by reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells". This was very transformational for me. Even though I know the intense ups and downs, the manipulation, the verbal abuse, the splitting, etc, is not my fault...I have been in a lot of pain and struggled with a loss of myself. For years I struggled with intense self-hatred. I felt as if he had set a bar for me that I could never reach. In the beginning he was very intense, and it was very wonderful. However, our issues really started when we moved in together. But he was the first man I had ever lived with. So, I thought that this was part of the process of learning to be in someone else's space. The very sweet, kind, and compassionate person I had fallen in love with gradually became extremely untrusting and accusatory.

I would often tell him "I feel like I'm walking on eggshells with you". I would tell him "you seem to live in the extremes". One minute he would love me and the next he was threatening a breakup. He would turn on a dime. A major trigger for us was when we would go out. In the beginning I LOVED going out with him. We would have so much fun together. I had some of the best nights with him. We would go out and dance and have a blast!

Then, suddenly, that changed. Suddenly when we were out, he would accuse me of lusting after other men. Suddenly how I dressed was suggestive and slutty. He would suddenly become angry and despondent. It eventually got to the point that he would explode and seem to unload all the anger in his soul on me. It was so frightening. We would go out and I didn't know how to act. It didn't seem to matter what I did or what I said or what I wore. Gradually, I became more and more isolated. I stopped talking to my friends and doing things I enjoyed. I stopped wanting to go out or do anything. As I write this it seems so obvious how toxic the relationship was. He would always accuse me of cheating, which I NEVER did. He even accused me of having a lesbian relationship with one of my girl co-workers. It seems that if it was alive and moving, I could sleep with it. He would call me the worst names possible like "whore" and "slut". He called me selfish and manipulative. He even pushed me down and hurt me. He never hit me, but he did physically hurt me by pushing me down to the ground. He accused me of liking his older brother, our older male relator, his male cousin, a random person he was meeting up with, anyone. Once I called him while I was walking briskly from one building to another at work. I work in healthcare and in a hospital system that is very vast. Because I was out of breath, he accused me of calling him while I was getting pleasured by another man. The accusations appeared to come out of left field, and I never knew when he was going to explode. He blamed a lot of his issues on me. Then he would turn around and take ownership. But that never lasted. He would tell me: "I've been telling you I'm not happy and you didn't try hard enough". He would tell me: "you never listen!". I never could listen it seemed. It didn't seem to matter what I did; it was never right. Again, he had a bar for me that I could never ever reach. He wanted me to be more authentic, more open to him. I would try but that wouldn't be enough for him. I became more and more unsure of myself and nervous. Our sex life really suffered. I'm not sure if it is ok to discuss these topics, but it was a place that really suffered for us. It caused so much pain and frustration. He always had a hard time reaching orgasm. He would respond. But he never could finish. This was an ongoing issue with us. It made me feel like I wasn't good, or that I was doing something wrong sexually. I didn't know what to do about it. I knew in my heart that it had everything to do with being vulnerable with someone you love. I knew he was at battle with feelings of abandonment. He was unable to be free with me in the bedroom. Even though I knew this, I still felt like a failure both in and out of the bedroom.

I always struggled with confidence and self-image, but I knew I was an attractive person. However, I gradually felt non-sexual and undesirable throughout the course of our relationship. Any confidence I did have was shattered.

As the pattern goes, he would apologize for any transgressions and make me feel wonderful again. It has been a tremulous roller coaster. He would also tell me of his past relationships that seemed to fit a similar pattern. But he painted his past women as "bad". There was always something wrong with them he couldn't get over. He told a story of escape from the clutches of his past toxic relationships. I would often tell him he vibed off the "honeymoon phase" of a relationship. The desire phase. I grew to learn the difference between love and desire and that attributes of one can reduce the other. I understood that desire can fade in any relationship. But he would take that as the demise of a relationship.

In the beginning, he made me feel like I was different than all these other women. I would be the one that would last. I was the one he was always searching for. Eventually, we ended up in couple's therapy. It seemed to help. However, it only put a band aide on the situation. What seems obvious to me now, was not very obvious to our therapist. At least, she didn't let on. Now that I have learned about BPD, and the impacts of unresolved childhood trauma, it seems very obvious to me. I am starting to recognize the traits in other relationships that I happen to be reading about. The control, the abuse, the splitting, the pain, the intensity. I realize this now. It actually is amazing that I can type everything above and realize I stayed in this relationship as long as I did. I have felt crazy for so long. I lost my ability to understand what I needed and what my worth was. He was so wonderful around my family and friends. But he would turn into a monster with me. And I just took it. For years. That is something I'm working through in therapy (I'm seeing a different therapist than the one we initially saw). Why did I take this abuse? Why did I stay? Honestly, at his core I see the good man he is. Even though I didn't realize he had BPD, because I didn't know much about it, I knew his past was playing out in his present. I knew he was in a pattern that was self-destructive. He would often say that he tends to destroy the good in his life. Our relationship was mirroring the disfunction on his parents. They lived a very toxic and intense roller coaster relationship. My soon to be ex-husband also suffered from a lot of neglect and real abandonment growing up. I always knew he didn't know how to love because he was never taught. I recognized that hurt people hurt people. I always saw that good in him. Despite his issues, he had redeeming qualities and a light within him. I believed in his goodness and ability to evolve. I just knew in my bones that if he dedicated himself to self-growth and help, he could be the man he always wanted to be. He always valued family and craved for a family to love. But once he got it, he destroyed it.

We got married and I got pregnant. There was so much love on our wedding day. He cried as we stated our vows. He promised me the world. When we found out I was expecting he was so sweet. Then, gradually, as I progressed in the pregnancy, he became more and more detached. Long story short, he started an affair. I suspected it when I was pregnant. I felt it in my bones. The night I went into labor he told me he was done with me and wanted to leave. After our son was born, I found proof of his affair. It was the most devastating thing. I was newly a mother, and I was on the phone talking to this other woman. I recall crying on the phone as I told this woman the man she was texting, sending pictures to, and sleeping with was my husband. But she knew. She was taken in by his intensity. Just as he had painted his past relationships as toxic and unfulfilling, he painted ours like that as well to her. She felt justified in the affair. In his words, he was trapped in something he didn't want to be in. He married for the wrong reasons. He was no longer in love with me. He was alone around people. This woman only lived through one side of the relationship. I now reflect on his past women very differently and with more empathy and compassion. Now this woman was the one on the pedestal and I was the one to be discarded. Classic splitting. While I have a very harsh view of who this woman is (I can't help it), I understand she was taken in by him. In fact, it was so intense, and she believed in his love so much that she was willing to remain in an affair and in a relationship that was built on lies and pain. That is his intensity. I found out she is a woman who goes to church and works as a social worker for vulnerable families within a religious institution. I can only imagine what brought he to a place to willingly and consistently remain in an affair, even after I confronted her 3 times. But I have felt my soon to be ex-husband's intensity. As much as I want to hate her, I understand.

At one point, he told me how wonderful this other woman is. She "got" him at a level I never could. She was wonderful. He felt like he had known her his whole life. As I stated before, I ultimately confronted her 3 times. I was trying to speak to her humanity. I was trying so hard to keep our family together. Our son was so young, and our family had just started. It was the most stressful time of my life. I lost my milk because I couldn't eat. I lost a ton of weight. People kept telling me "how amazing you look!" because I lost all the baby weight. They had no idea that I was dying and screaming on the inside and what I was going through. I got into therapy, I got onto some medications, I started to reach out to friends and family and bring them into the situation. I started to educate myself.

Things got extremely heated and toxic. My soon to be ex-husband eventually moved out. But then there seemed to be a chance of repair. He told me he blocked this woman. He started in therapy. He acknowledged he needed help. He acknowledged that it wasn't my fault, and it would not have mattered who he was with, he would put them through the same thing. At one point, he showed up at my work in tears saying he loves me and misses me and never wanted to hear that woman's voice again. I told him: you have to stop talking to that woman, you have to get help, and we need time apart. However, this was just another roller coaster. One minute he wanted to stay, the next he was leaving. One minute he was spending time with me and re-connecting with me, the next he was asking me about our separation papers.

So, today, I decided to officially move forward with legal separation. I still love him deeply. But I cannot help someone who is not invested in their recovery. It is very frustrating because it seems so obvious to me. He shuts me out, his family out, and his friends. While I have many good and stable friendships, all his seem to fall apart. He doesn't reach out to them and does little with his family. I clearly see a pattern. But he does not. I know that is part of his mental illness. This has been an extremely painful and hard process and I am very tired. I know I must do what is best for myself and my son. I feel like he may try and come back, as has been his pattern, but I know I must move on and set my boundaries. But I love him, and I still see that good man within him. He makes you feel amazing, but also makes you feel like the worst thing in the world. I know I have a lot of traumas to work through. I certainly have PTSD from my relationship with him and from his affair. The other woman had no idea what she was dealing with and worked hard to bring me down in the name of love (aka desire and lust). It was extremely traumatizing. It was hurtful to be brought down by another woman, who has never been married and never had children, and by my soon to be ex-husband.

I have been working hard to repair myself and trying to stay sane. There have been moments when I don't feel as if I can go on. My therapist has been an AMAZING force in my life and has helped me re-connect with my faith and start to understand that none of this has been my fault. Getting on this forum is another step I'm taking to try and understand and reclaim my life. Knowing I'm not alone in the emotional struggle of BPD is helpful. My soon to be ex-husband is in a lot of pain. I know he has a deep dark void within him. I now know that every time he blew up at me, the words weren't true. But the emotion was. I have tried. But I know I must move on. I pray for him every single day. But I must protect myself and my son. Anyway, that's my story. I am still in therapy, still working on myself, and still gaining knowledge. At the end of the day, we have a wonderful and beautiful son to be thankful for. But it is still hard. I still love my husband very, very deeply. But he hurt me very, very, deeply.

[RetropR]

Hello,

I am new to this discussion board. I am reaching out to a community for help, support and guidance. My soon to be ex-husband has BPD. He does not know this. He has a lot of childhood trauma and when my journey of self-discovery brought me to the diagnosis of BPD I suddenly felt like I was reading about my relationship. I started by reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells". This was very transformational for me. Even though I know the intense ups and downs, the manipulation, the verbal abuse, the splitting, etc, is not my fault...I have been in a lot of pain and struggled with a loss of myself. For years I struggled with intense self-hatred. I felt as if he had set a bar for me that I could never reach. In the beginning he was very intense, and it was very wonderful. However, our issues really started when we moved in together. But he was the first man I had ever lived with. So, I thought that this was part of the process of learning to be in someone else's space. The very sweet, kind, and compassionate person I had fallen in love with gradually became extremely untrusting and accusatory.

I would often tell him "I feel like I'm walking on eggshells with you". I would tell him "you seem to live in the extremes". One minute he would love me and the next he was threatening a breakup. He would turn on a dime. A major trigger for us was when we would go out. In the beginning I LOVED going out with him. We would have so much fun together. I had some of the best nights with him. We would go out and dance and have a blast!

Then, suddenly, that changed. Suddenly when we were out, he would accuse me of lusting after other men. Suddenly how I dressed was suggestive and slutty. He would suddenly become angry and despondent. It eventually got to the point that he would explode and seem to unload all the anger in his soul on me. It was so frightening. We would go out and I didn't know how to act. It didn't seem to matter what I did or what I said or what I wore. Gradually, I became more and more isolated. I stopped talking to my friends and doing things I enjoyed. I stopped wanting to go out or do anything. As I write this it seems so obvious how toxic the relationship was. He would always accuse me of cheating, which I NEVER did. He even accused me of having a lesbian relationship with one of my girl co-workers. It seems that if it was alive and moving, I could sleep with it. He would call me the worst names possible like "whore" and "slut". He called me selfish and manipulative. He even pushed me down and hurt me. He never hit me, but he did physically hurt me by pushing me down to the ground. He accused me of liking his older brother, our older male relator, his male cousin, a random person he was meeting up with, anyone. Once I called him while I was walking briskly from one building to another at work. I work in healthcare and in a hospital system that is very vast. Because I was out of breath, he accused me of calling him while I was getting pleasured by another man. The accusations appeared to come out of left field, and I never knew when he was going to explode. He blamed a lot of his issues on me. Then he would turn around and take ownership. But that never lasted. He would tell me: "I've been telling you I'm not happy and you didn't try hard enough". He would tell me: "you never listen!". I never could listen it seemed. It didn't seem to matter what I did; it was never right. Again, he had a bar for me that I could never ever reach. He wanted me to be more authentic, more open to him. I would try but that wouldn't be enough for him. I became more and more unsure of myself and nervous. Our sex life really suffered. I'm not sure if it is ok to discuss these topics, but it was a place that really suffered for us. It caused so much pain and frustration. He always had a hard time reaching orgasm. He would respond. But he never could finish. This was an ongoing issue with us. It made me feel like I wasn't good, or that I was doing something wrong sexually. I didn't know what to do about it. I knew in my heart that it had everything to do with being vulnerable with someone you love. I knew he was at battle with feelings of abandonment. He was unable to be free with me in the bedroom. Even though I knew this, I still felt like a failure both in and out of the bedroom.

I always struggled with confidence and self-image, but I knew I was an attractive person. However, I gradually felt non-sexual and undesirable throughout the course of our relationship. Any confidence I did have was shattered.

As the pattern goes, he would apologize for any transgressions and make me feel wonderful again. It has been a tremulous roller coaster. He would also tell me of his past relationships that seemed to fit a similar pattern. But he painted his past women as "bad". There was always something wrong with them he couldn't get over. He told a story of escape from the clutches of his past toxic relationships. I would often tell him he vibed off the "honeymoon phase" of a relationship. The desire phase. I grew to learn the difference between love and desire and that attributes of one can reduce the other. I understood that desire can fade in any relationship. But he would take that as the demise of a relationship.

In the beginning, he made me feel like I was different than all these other women. I would be the one that would last. I was the one he was always searching for. Eventually, we ended up in couple's therapy. It seemed to help. However, it only put a band aide on the situation. What seems obvious to me now, was not very obvious to our therapist. At least, she didn't let on. Now that I have learned about BPD, and the impacts of unresolved childhood trauma, it seems very obvious to me. I am starting to recognize the traits in other relationships that I happen to be reading about. The control, the abuse, the splitting, the pain, the intensity. I realize this now. It actually is amazing that I can type everything above and realize I stayed in this relationship as long as I did. I have felt crazy for so long. I lost my ability to understand what I needed and what my worth was. He was so wonderful around my family and friends. But he would turn into a monster with me. And I just took it. For years. That is something I'm working through in therapy (I'm seeing a different therapist than the one we initially saw). Why did I take this abuse? Why did I stay? Honestly, at his core I see the good man he is. Even though I didn't realize he had BPD, because I didn't know much about it, I knew his past was playing out in his present. I knew he was in a pattern that was self-destructive. He would often say that he tends to destroy the good in his life. Our relationship was mirroring the disfunction on his parents. They lived a very toxic and intense roller coaster relationship. My soon to be ex-husband also suffered from a lot of neglect and real abandonment growing up. I always knew he didn't know how to love because he was never taught. I recognized that hurt people hurt people. I always saw that good in him. Despite his issues, he had redeeming qualities and a light within him. I believed in his goodness and ability to evolve. I just knew in my bones that if he dedicated himself to self-growth and help, he could be the man he always wanted to be. He always valued family and craved for a family to love. But once he got it, he destroyed it.

We got married and I got pregnant. There was so much love on our wedding day. He cried as we stated our vows. He promised me the world. When we found out I was expecting he was so sweet. Then, gradually, as I progressed in the pregnancy, he became more and more detached. Long story short, he started an affair. I suspected it when I was pregnant. I felt it in my bones. The night I went into labor he told me he was done with me and wanted to leave. After our son was born, I found proof of his affair. It was the most devastating thing. I was newly a mother, and I was on the phone talking to this other woman. I recall crying on the phone as I told this woman the man she was texting, sending pictures to, and sleeping with was my husband. But she knew. She was taken in by his intensity. Just as he had painted his past relationships as toxic and unfulfilling, he painted ours like that as well to her. She felt justified in the affair. In his words, he was trapped in something he didn't want to be in. He married for the wrong reasons. He was no longer in love with me. He was alone around people. This woman only lived through one side of the relationship. I now reflect on his past women very differently and with more empathy and compassion. Now this woman was the one on the pedestal and I was the one to be discarded. Classic splitting. While I have a very harsh view of who this woman is (I can't help it), I understand she was taken in by him. In fact, it was so intense, and she believed in his love so much that she was willing to remain in an affair and in a relationship that was built on lies and pain. That is his intensity. I found out she is a woman who goes to church and works as a social worker for vulnerable families within a religious institution. I can only imagine what brought he to a place to willingly and consistently remain in an affair, even after I confronted her 3 times. But I have felt my soon to be ex-husband's intensity. As much as I want to hate her, I understand.

At one point, he told me how wonderful this other woman is. She "got" him at a level I never could. She was wonderful. He felt like he had known her his whole life. As I stated before, I ultimately confronted her 3 times. I was trying to speak to her humanity. I was trying so hard to keep our family together. Our son was so young, and our family had just started. It was the most stressful time of my life. I lost my milk because I couldn't eat. I lost a ton of weight. People kept telling me "how amazing you look!" because I lost all the baby weight. They had no idea that I was dying and screaming on the inside and what I was going through. I got into therapy, I got onto some medications, I started to reach out to friends and family and bring them into the situation. I started to educate myself.

Things got extremely heated and toxic. My soon to be ex-husband eventually moved out. But then there seemed to be a chance of repair. He told me he blocked this woman. He started in therapy. He acknowledged he needed help. He acknowledged that it wasn't my fault, and it would not have mattered who he was with, he would put them through the same thing. At one point, he showed up at my work in tears saying he loves me and misses me and never wanted to hear that woman's voice again. I told him: you have to stop talking to that woman, you have to get help, and we need time apart. However, this was just another roller coaster. One minute he wanted to stay, the next he was leaving. One minute he was spending time with me and re-connecting with me, the next he was asking me about our separation papers.

So, today, I decided to officially move forward with legal separation. I still love him deeply. But I cannot help someone who is not invested in their recovery. It is very frustrating because it seems so obvious to me. He shuts me out, his family out, and his friends. While I have many good and stable friendships, all his seem to fall apart. He doesn't reach out to them and does little with his family. I clearly see a pattern. But he does not. I know that is part of his mental illness. This has been an extremely painful and hard process and I am very tired. I know I must do what is best for myself and my son. I feel like he may try and come back, as has been his pattern, but I know I must move on and set my boundaries. But I love him, and I still see that good man within him. He makes you feel amazing, but also makes you feel like the worst thing in the world. I know I have a lot of traumas to work through. I certainly have PTSD from my relationship with him and from his affair. The other woman had no idea what she was dealing with and worked hard to bring me down in the name of love (aka desire and lust). It was extremely traumatizing. It was hurtful to be brought down by another woman, who has never been married and never had children, and by my soon to be ex-husband.

I have been working hard to repair myself and trying to stay sane. There have been moments when I don't feel as if I can go on. My therapist has been an AMAZING force in my life and has helped me re-connect with my faith and start to understand that none of this has been my fault. Getting on this forum is another step I'm taking to try and understand and reclaim my life. Knowing I'm not alone in the emotional struggle of BPD is helpful. My soon to be ex-husband is in a lot of pain. I know he has a deep dark void within him. I now know that every time he blew up at me, the words weren't true. But the emotion was. I have tried. But I know I must move on. I pray for him every single day. But I must protect myself and my son. Anyway, that's my story. I am still in therapy, still working on myself, and still gaining knowledge. At the end of the day, we have a wonderful and beautiful son to be thankful for. But it is still hard. I still love my husband very, very deeply. But he hurt me very, very, deeply.

[meed]

Hi RetropR-

WOW! The first 6 paragraphs of your story is my story to a T! I thought I was reading a biography of myself. You are not alone. This group has helped me immensely. So glad you are seeing a therapist. That has really been a game changer for me. Another help for me was coda.org. Forgive me if this program is not for you. I am only suggesting it because our stories are so alike and it is a very helpful program for me.

[JJ26]

Hello,

I am new to this discussion board. I am reaching out to a community for help, support and guidance. My soon to be ex-husband has BPD. He does not know this. He has a lot of childhood trauma and when my journey of self-discovery brought me to the diagnosis of BPD I suddenly felt like I was reading about my relationship. I started by reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells". This was very transformational for me. Even though I know the intense ups and downs, the manipulation, the verbal abuse, the splitting, etc, is not my fault...I have been in a lot of pain

Hi RetropR,

  Thank you for sharing your story and I commend you on your bravery and self love to set strong boundaries.  I am new here too and reading your story was much like reading my own past relationship, word for word on so many things.  I read that same thing you did too; "Stop walking on eggshells" and that's when I realized what I was dealing with (my therapist has also agreed with me having heard my stories, she also thinks he's got some narcissism in him).  We weren't married but we did live together, and like you, at first I thought "I just have to adjust to not living alone anymore, it will take time, maybe some of this is my fault".  Having been moved out and away from him for about a month now, I truly feel that my only faults were not leaving sooner and also enabling his poor behavior because I was clinging on to the image of the man he was the first two months we met, a magical charming Prince.  Also, being totally honest, after months of keeping my calm, I did engage in verbal fights with him many times when I should have just walked away and not taken it personally, and that was my bad, but I was still trying to fight crazy with logic in those times, unbeknownst to me that it would only further escalate the situation.  Typically I won't allow another person to drag me down to their level, but with him, many times I did.
I swore he had good in him despite the ugliness he showed me and others, and because he was willing to get therapy, this only further fueled my willingness to stay.  It didn't help that after he would rage on me, he followed it with promises of change, actual gifts (which are lowest on my love language score), and then the cycle would repeat, with each time of goodness in between becoming shorter and shorter.  The part about him telling you the night before you went in Labor that he wanted to leave just floored me, I cannot imagine how stressed you felt, I'm so sorry you endured that.  Here I was feeling badly that the night before I was set to give a presentation for my business to 200 people, he raged on me via telephone (I was traveling) and then hung up on me, but what you went thru was far more cruel.  Incidentally, I also drove back to Florida the evening after I concluded my presentation IN A HURRICANE (only a Cat 1) and not once did he reach out to ask if I was safe or where I was at on the road, not once!  Upon returning home and getting into bed, he didn't say a word to me and the next morning all I got was "Well, I just figured you were mad and didn't wanna hear from me, and you're a big girl, you can handle yourself."   Two weeks later I moved out, but I had so many more reasons than that, including physical abuse.  That incident I mentioned was merely some of the icing on the cake. Reading stories of others and slowly sharing mine piece by piece is helping, and I hope it helps you too.  Feel free to share more anytime, we are all in this together

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome to our family, RetropR,  

This is a good place to do exactly as you have, share the pain of your relationship with a pwBPD. I'm so sorry for what you've gone through and are going through right now. Thank you for sharing from your heart about the trauma and pain and entrusting us with that.

I'm glad you are in a safe place now. You got out and got safe. Now you need to stay safe. Who is a support for you and your son now? I know you mentioned that you have a great T.  

 
Wools

[Turkish]

Again, he had a bar for me that I could never ever reach

The deep well of core emptiness is something no one can fill. I think all of us here can relate to falling short. I was called a failure and that "a woman of character deserves a man of character. In that you failed." This while she was living a double life while phoning it in as a mom while I took care of our 1 and 3 year olds. Even so, that doesn't compare to cheating while you're carrying his baby. That's brutal and I'm sorry 

Like you, I eventually felt sorry for the young guy she was with, but it took a while (I hated him at first, but she told him likely similar things your husband did, though no excuse). I witnessed her treating him like crap even publicly. It was far worse behind closed doors I learned later.

How did she bring you down?

[Tupla Sport]

Again, he had a bar for me that I could never ever reach

I was just thinking this morning how the black and white thinking that is so prevalent in BPD really is "on" more often than you would perhaps think. Well, more often than I used to think. There seem to exist perfect and untarnished concepts of things in their minds and it is ridiculously easy to fall short of them. Instead of working on a relationship with their partner, they hone and whittle the concept of their partner and the relationship in their mind until a scant splinter persists of the original concept. Then the object breaks the ever-narrower scripting in real life by the tiniest deviation and it sends the person with BPD crashing. I know I had a very contentious relationship with my ex with BPD and it amazes me how many of those relationships end with a very abrupt devalue and discard when the whittled-down object cracks as my relationship was characterized by a prolonged period I can only describe as being in purgatory. The writing was on the wall from very early on and we simply persisted.

[MeandThee29]

Yes, welcome!

I've been away for a while from this board with work and the divorce, but I went through just what you describe. Twenty-seven years of marriage and two kids.

I do not regret my choices after he left. He was getting more and more disordered and had a near-fatal suicide attempt. His thinking had been getting worse for years and was compounded by addiction. He had started and stopped therapy for years. I also was so far below his (unreasonable) expectations. The love-hate cycle nearly broke me.

During separation, I finally grasped that he was a leaky bucket and was looking to me to fix that. NO ONE could do that, ever. So I told him, no more relationship discussions, and he kicked off the divorce. It was bad. My attorney said I'd get a whole chapter if he ever wrote the book that people said he should. He's retired now and did a wonderful job for me, as did his young associate, two paralegals, and a retirement specialist. It took a village because my ex would NOT LET GO.

It's hard, but life on the other side is so very much better.