New here-mom of a 16yo son - shoplifting & natural consequences

[ImpulsivePine2]

New to this community--I'm the mom of a 16yo (soon 17) son (only child, parents together) who has had anxiety and depression issues as well as ADHD since age 5. He suggested a year ago that he thought he had BPD, and we were inadvertently pretty invalidating about it. (He is the kind of kid who could read about leprosy and decide he has that, too.) Once I read about it, though, I understood... not only in him but in my sister, my dad ... traits at least are strong on that side of the family.

In any case, we started in a DBT program and I am hopeful on that front, but literally the next day he got arrested at the grocery store for stealing donuts and an energy drink. I get that punishments don't work, and I sense that he was somewhat shaken up by the trip to the police station (and I didn't rush to pick him up, either), but how do I know if that's enough of a consequence? My intuition says he was shaken up (but acting tough), and now we have to go to court, so there may well be other natural consequences. Just looking for advice about anything that has worked for anyone in this position.

In the car after picking him up, he seemed genuinely baffled as to why he did it, apart from being hungry. I asked questions and mostly listened to his rant about how it's OK to steal from corporations. And then I calmly explained (not for the first time) the many reasons we can't tolerate stealing. He added that he was forced to steal because he has no ready access to cash or cards (which is because when he DOES have that access, he buys or barters for weed). He apologized.

In any case, my question ultimately is, how do you know when a natural consequence is good enough?

Thank you!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi ImpulsivePine2
In my opinion the consequences that already have taken place are quite sufficient. Many young people of that age shoplift through impulsivity (the brain rewires from about age 12 and isn't completed till about age 25 - and the final rewiring takes place in the area of the brain that supports reasoning etc).

You mention he genuinely couldn't understand himself why he  did it - he just responded to feeling hungry. It is great that you have DBT in place and I think this issue would be a good place to address the shoplifting/general impulsivity issue.

Ds has now experienced the 'punishment' type of consequence - perhaps helping him develop strategies to deal with impulsivity - and reward when he uses these strategies?