Ex BPD partner RAGE & DANGER details, PLEASE READ THIS

[JJ26]

In reading so many descriptive, brave posts from others which have only further validated my situation, I'm going to bullet point some of the bizarre things I experienced in the hopes of it helping others.

First 6 weeks of relationship was bliss, moved quickly and told me he loved me after 3 weeks.  If I didn't reply to his texts within half an hour he would call asking what was wrong and why I hadn't replied yet.  One day he was going to pick me up to go somewhere and I said I'd text when I was ready, that it would be another hour or so, he replied with "I'm already parked downstairs waiting, I'll just sit here, take your time"  Additionally, anytime that his co workers or few friends he had would not reach out to him timely, he had himself mentally fired/unfriended, uncared for in his own mind. (Abandonment RED flags)

Gave me extravagant gifts very early on (Apple Watch, expensive bike, etc.) all of which were taken back during fights because "We're not married, I don't have to let you keep those" or thrown in my face and accounted for, along with every cent he ever spent on anything, including food, the travel which he planned and offered to pay for because we were seeing his family in Ohio and he wanted me to meet them. (Side note, I ALWAYS paid for half of everything other than those trips but I did pay for the food and drink when we travelled; but we split rent, groceries, meals out, and eventually I ended up paying for more than half in the hopes that it would make him nicer to me, an issue I clearly need to work on)

He screamed at strangers in the street for riding their scooters in his walking path, once telling a young girl who had politely said "Excuse me" when trying to get by us as we walked "No, F*#& You, you don't belong here".   Yelling at strangers and getting in their face saying "I'll call the cops on you A$$hole, get out of my way, have some self respect".  Yelling at the poor kids at Publix for running out of ingredients at the sandwich bar and making a scene.  Verbally threatening an Uber driver (whom I had paid for) because he parked in the wrong space when he pulled up, poor guy was so scared he took off and UBER security ended up calling me and leaving a concerned voicemail that they thought I may be in danger (My cousin witnessed this episode)  Demanding to speak to restaurant managers and wanting comped meals because he wasn't happy with something (almost always).  Constantly complained about everything, very high conflict and seemingly always searching for a fight, everyone was a D-bag or an A$$hole (including me sometimes)

One time he was holding my hand and telling me I was his "twin flame" and how he would never love again after me, I was his last chance at happiness, professing how he would change and be better.  I asked him "Can you help me understand what concrete things you plan to do so as to implement these changes" and he flew into a rage, cussed me out and said he didn't owe me any explanations, left the apartment, marks himself as "Single" on FB, then blocked me, left for six hours and had also blocked my texts, eventually came home and said nothing to me, then the next morning brought me flowers and said he was reacting to me making demands but that he should have handled it better.  Wow right?  

Once he gave me a card with promises of change written in it, saying ALL the right things, and a mere few hours later flew into a rage because I was asking what time we were going to meet up after he watched his favorite college sports game.  I was told I was being overbearing and psychotic and he couldn't handle being around me.  

If I ever did get a sentence completed, which rarely ever happened because he constantly interrupted me (this was also blamed on me, it was my fault that he felt the need to interrupt me) he would immediately say "You're not perfect, you did ..." and would list anything he could think of to change the topic.  I would let him finish, remind him that the issue he just mentioned was something we had discussed months prior and put to rest (which only ever happened in the presence of a therapist), and go back to my original statement, only to be interrupted again with more screaming, rage and blame, never actually getting to address the issue at hand.  

Eternal victim, lied about so many things that I found out about eventually, like how his ex wife was not a Narcissist who turned his kids against him, but rather his kids were sick of meeting his new girlfriends and feeling neglected and ignored by him.  His last girlfriend prior to me whom he said was a "Cold stuck up A$$hole who threw me out because she couldn't handle being close to me"...turns out she threw him out of her home and had threatened to call the police on him because, to quote her, she could no longer deal with him lashing out on her and his animosity.  

I'll finish for now with this gem...after he physically assaulted me one night (I had a torn shirt and bruises to prove this), he fled from the apartment and apparently called the police on me and said I attacked him.  The law in Florida is that when one person calls for domestic violence, the other one automatically gets taken in if they are still there.  I had no idea he had called, nor did I think he would because he had no reason to, I was the one who was attacked.  Never been in trouble in my life, and luckily for me, I know most of the Cops in my town because I work with them on their wellness needs.  When the officers arrived, they talked to me and saw my shirt and bruises, they realized it was BS, but due to the law, they had no choice.  They allowed me 20 minutes to make calls and arrangements (I was supposed to meet my work team an hour away the next day for three days of meetings which I would now not be showing up for) and I was arrested for Battery.  I spent two days and nights in jail, and when he talked to me on the recorded line from the jail, he outted himself because he said frantically "I was never afraid of you, and well, one of us was going to jail that night and it wasn't going to be me.  Unless you agree to sign an affidavit that you won't tell my family about this, I'm going to press charges on you". I realized right then and there that I was dealing with someone totally crazy.  Thankfully, the whole case was thrown out before I even left the jail, which I assume was because someone heard his admission of making a false police report on that call.  Instead of having to post a bond and worry about the state of Florida prosecuting me, the whole thing got tossed and I was released later that day after that call.  He agreed to pay for my expungement process, another admission of his guilt.  I stayed in the spare bedroom after that until I could get into another apartment.  One night he broke the door in a fit of rage as I was locked in that room, and was screaming at me "I'll spend every last dime I have to ruin you, you F'n CUN%.".  I pleaded with him to stop, I had to quickly switch modes and agree with everything he said because I could see he had lost his mind, and I didn't know if he would call the police falsely on me again, or kill me, as dramatic as that sounds, I was legit scared for my life.  I remember when he finally calmed down and went to the other room, I lay there in the spare room all night, wide awake, repeating to myself "I'm thankful to be safe and free". That was my mantra, over and over again I just kept telling myself that.    I made my plans to move and he knew I was on my way out, he tried a few futile attempts to get me back and I just kept the peace until I got my new place lined up.  He attacked me one more time after that and took my phone after he did it so I had no way to call the police.  

I've been moved out for a month now and I'm finally able to talk more about this, as embarrassing as it was/is, my life became like a dang Lifetime movie.   I pray my story will help others to get out and away if their situation sounds anything like mine.  Don't ignore the red flags, don't be naive as I was and think your kindness and love and empathy will save them, it will only get you in deeper and you will lose more of yourself.  

[Turkish]

Oh wow (not in a good sense). I'm glad that you're safe now. He's extremely emotionally unstable and dangerous.

[JJ26]

Oh wow (not in a good sense). I'm glad that you're safe now. He's extremely emotionally unstable and dangerous.

Thanks so much.  Reading back on what it was and remembering more things I’d forgotten because so much kept happening, makes me realize how awful it was and how thankful I am that I finally left.  I don’t have bad feelings towards him at all, I just wish he would heal and not hurt anyone else.

[Turkish]

What do you feel kept you from leaving earlier?

[JJ26]

What do you feel kept you from leaving earlier?

I really believed that loving him and going thru therapy with him would help him change.  Problem was , he wasn't committed to changing, he would come close, then digress.  I also have the savior complex of thinking I can help anyone, an issue I'm working on for myself going forward. 

[Turkish]

Many of us have been where you were.   

[SaltyDawg]

JJ,

   Make sure you have a 'safety plan' in place.  A quick google search for 'stalker safety plan' should give you some good resources, tips, and ideas.

   Any phone, active or not, with a charged battery can call 911.  Get a cheap small phone off ebay/craigslists, and keep it in your purse in case he does that again. 

   Use your cell phone to video record him if he is close enough to do that.  If you haven't already done so, get a restraining order/protection order too [even though it is only paper, it will provide additional legal recourse to you should it happen again].  You are the best person to look after yourself. 

[I Am Redeemed]

I really believed that loving him and going thru therapy with him would help him change.  Problem was , he wasn't committed to changing, he would come close, then digress.  I also have the savior complex of thinking I can help anyone, an issue I'm working on for myself going forward. 

This is exactly what kept me in my abusive relationship far too long. Five years out now, and I can't believe sometimes the things I endured.

You're very brave for taking the steps to get out. Do you have a support system or a therapist to help you as you recover and heal from this relationship? You certainly suffered a lot of trauma from this person.

Also, what a stupid law that forces police to arrest someone whom they obviously can tell is not the perpetrator.

[JJ26]

This is exactly what kept me in my abusive relationship far too long. Five years out now, and I can't believe sometimes the things I endured.

You're very brave for taking the steps to get out. Do you have a support system or a therapist to help you as you recover and heal from this relationship? You certainly suffered a lot of trauma from this person.

Also, what a stupid law that forces police to arrest someone whom they obviously can tell is not the perpetrator.

Florida has many laws I don't agree with for that exact reason!  I am just so thankful that the arresting officers (whom I did not know) saw what was happening and gave me the courtesy they did.  I am even more thankful that he said what he said on that recorded phone call and I was released with nothing more than a blemish that now has to be fixed.  In my post I wrote that he agreed to pay for it, I should have said that he OFFERED to pay for it, when he heard me on the phone with my lawyer, he walked over and said "Let me take care of this for you" and handed me his credit card.  This was also thrown back in my face along with the many other things that got thrown back at me (gifts, etc).  I'm working with a new therapist who specializes in trauma and support for such things.  I also have an amazing network of people around me, some of which have met him and told me all along "The vibes don't match between you two.  You're sunshine and light and he is just dark".  I would defend him and explain his bad childhood and other things he had gone thru, then they would remind me of how I too had a bad childhood (sexual abuse, alcoholic mother, etc) and yet I didn't treat people the way he did.  It would make me think, but I would stuff it down and stay.   I learned some valuable lessons from ignoring my gut.

[JJ26]

JJ,

   Make sure you have a 'safety plan' in place.  A quick google search for 'stalker safety plan' should give you some good resources, tips, and ideas.

   Any phone, active or not, with a charged battery can call 911.  Get a cheap small phone off ebay/craigslists, and keep it in your purse in case he does that again. 

   Use your cell phone to video record him if he is close enough to do that.  If you haven't already done so, get a restraining order/protection order too [even though it is only paper, it will provide additional legal recourse to you should it happen again].  You are the best person to look after yourself. 

Funny you should say that about recording him...one time he was raging on me and I started to film him.  I did it with the intent of showing the therapist we were talking to and also so he could see his own behavior since he would always end up saying that I had blown things out of proportion.  The day I did this, he flipped out even more and said "Don't you dare F'n me you stupid bitch.  You do not have my permission to ever record me and I will call the cops on you".  He always threatened to call the police, on others randomly, on me a few times, I should have realized that those kind of threats are a reality for someone like him.   

[SaltyDawg]

JJ,

   I reread your initial post, and it is full of emotional abuse -- I like to call this 'psychological terrorism' as that is the effect it has on me and goes well beyond normal sarcastic innuendo [emotional abuse] that is normally associated with a conflict in a previous relationship.  Neither our couple's T nor my pwBPD [wife] likes this term, but that is how I feel being on the receiving end of that type of abuse [including physical, even though in my case it doesn't hurt too much and I don't have any visible battle scars other than a shirt that was distorted].

   My person with BPD has also threatened to report me for fictitious accounts of me perpetrating child abuse [in front of mandated reporters (teachers and principle of an Elementary School, youth league coaches, etc.), and using those mandated reporters as witnesses -- mandated reporters would have reported me for child abuse if that were the case when I was disciplining my misbehaving child.  She also taunted me to record her.  So, guess what, I have those taunts on video, so I have permission, and if she escalates it, her own words and actions that I have recorded will burn her.

   If he is capable of ripping your shirt and causing bruises, he is capable of doing so much more -- this is a very serious matter to your personal well being -- please make sure you have a 'safety plan' and have leveraged the lethargic legal system to your advantage with protection/restraining orders -- you need to set a firm boundary for him, and then enforce that boundary.

   While you did indicate when you 'moved out' with him a month ago; however, you did not indicate if he is still contacting you or trying to contact you.  If he is still trying to contact you, or if he is contacting you, then you are potentially in danger.  If he has found someone else, you should be relatively safe for now, until that victim's relationship with him will ultimately end.  It sucks being a woman [or a man in my case] in this situation, so, you need to take the necessary precautions, more so for women, as it usually winds up so much worse - the statistics for DV is scary.  My pwBPD has been reported by the T and is in the system, and this may happen again during our next couple's T session where the T is a mandated reporter, where the issue of DV will be raised again.

   As you have observed, something that should have made him behave well resulted in an irrational escalation of his rage towards you.

   Please make sure you stay safe, especially as the holidays are right around the corner, which often magnifies irrational behavior with additional stressors of expectations, or lack thereof.

   I am curious if you ever showed your video to your therapist?  If so, how did that go?

   I am recording my pwBPD covertly when I know she is being triggered, as I know mine would be on best behavior if she knew she is being watched/recorded so I do it the the permission of her taunting threats.

   Take care, and stay safe.

P.S.    I am still in my situation, to protect my children from further emotional damage than what has already occurred, as she has projected herself to the community as the 'perfect church lady' and I am the 'retired sailor' and she is leveraging the stereotypes of each to her advantage.  I also have my own codependency issues which makes it difficult to go the separation route .  However I have compelled my pwBPD to become self-aware, and the situation is improving, with some setbacks, as she realizes that she has some serious issues and recognizes herself as being a 'monster' as told to her from the mouth of our daughter, but she cannot accept my BPD hypothesis she definitely meets 8/9 criteria and if DV is interpreted as 'self-harm' she meets 9/9.  Her T's (couple's and individual) have openly rejected my hypothesis as well, even though they are treating her for the more major symptoms of the borderline.

[JJ26]

Thank you so much for your kind reply.  I understand that with kids, it's a whole different ballgame and I'm thankful you are aware and have this forum plus therapy and aren't just getting blindsided wondering WTF is happening in my home.  When I left a month ago, I got everything out and the only thing still tying us together is the old lease, my name is still on it.  My property manager who knew the situation gave me a form the day I left, which he was to sign, stating which day he would vacate the apartment (he wouldnt be able to afford staying there without my income to pay half).  My friend waited in the hallway and I went in, told him "I'm moving out today, you have to sign this form stating the date which you will vacate this apartment, and we will split the lease break fee".   After some resistance, he dated the form 12/31/22.   I gave it to the manager which ensured that he must leave on that day (she had explained to me that if he just decided to spilt one day, I'd be responsible for the rent on that place since my name was still on the lease, a mess I know).  He and I have had minimal contact since then, mainly about the fee and him trying to worm his way out of paying half of it (it's alot) plus the damage fee for the door he broke in a fit of rage.   He claims he spent so much money already and then recounted all the gifts he had ever given me, every cent he every spent, etc.  I kept my replies emotionless and factual, merely restating that this was something we agreed upon and it was not open for discussion, this was the way it was going down.  As of last week, he has emailed the property manager (who must copy me on all correspondence since my name is still on that lease) asking for a payment plan for his share.  I havent had any contact with him since 12/8.  Initially he had said he would leave Florida and go back to Ohio, or maybe NC or TN.  He was insistent that he would NEVER sign a lease in Florida again...okay whew!  A few days later he emailed me telling me that he was in fact going to stay here for another year and had found a place just across the street from me. He went on to say "My future is with you, I just need to get myself thru this disaster because I'm so alone since you left and I know I need help, and we can talk after I get moved the first week of January".   I took this to mean two things:  He either really thinks he's going to get back into my life and/or he's already met someone else who lives in the area.  I feel so scared for her if thats the case.  I have ZERO intentions of letting him back into my life at all.  I'm staying silent, and I will deal only with facts about the lease fees.   

[SaltyDawg]

 
TRIGGER WARNING - STALKER DISCUSSION

A few days later he emailed me telling me that he was in fact going to stay here for another year and had found a place just across the street from me. He went on to say "My future is with you, I just need to get myself thru this disaster because I'm so alone since you left and I know I need help, and we can talk after I get moved the first week of January".   I took this to mean two things:  He either really thinks he's going to get back into my life and/or he's already met someone else who lives in the area.  I feel so scared for her if thats the case.  I have ZERO intentions of letting him back into my life at all.  I'm staying silent, and I will deal only with facts about the lease fees.

JJ,

WARNING - He has communicated his intentions! "MY FUTURE IS WITH YOU" and he has "FOUND A PLACE ACROSS THE STREET" from YOU!  This is classic stalker material!  You need to worry about you!  You are the best person to take care of yourself!

Regarding your lease communication, I commend you for keeping it BIFF - Brief, Informational, Factual, Friendly -- more information on BIFF can be found here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=134124.0 as this is the best way to handle this kind of communication.

Keep all communications strictly as text or e-mail - create a document trail.  Keep that e-mail and use it as evidence in addition to the previous police reports that you have on yourself to obtain a restraining order against him. 

This is classic stalker material, and you need to take it seriously and have a safety plan in place.  Here is an example of a safety plan:  https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf

Hopefully he is bluffing [to terrorize you]; however, do scan the parking lots for his vehicle, and be extra vigilant, until you know without a doubt there is more than 50 miles between you and him, and even then, that sometimes is not enough.

Once your existing joint lease has been addressed (hopefully in just over two week's time) and has come to a conclusion, go completely NC no contact.  Block your social media accounts, block his phone number [mark his number as spam, if you want to see the texts at a time and place of your choosing].  Any attention that you give him, even negative, will motivate him to keep harassing you.  Learn the ways of the stalker and be prepared.  If your phone is acting up, weird clicks, battery drains much faster, gets warm while you are not using it, it may have illegal tracker software on it.  If this happens get a new phone -- if you can't afford one, do a factory reset [this removes most, but not all trackers], after backing up your photos and texts messages.  Turn off the built in tracking settings of your phone, as both iPhone and Google tracks you for their advertisers.  Also, change your passwords on everything connected to the Internet.

If you need additional tips, talk to your law enforcement community, I am thinking the ones that you work on for their 'wellness needs' would potentially be an excellent resource for you -- it could be mutually beneficial, as they will feel needed and validated by helping you as they are specifically trained in this, if that is allowed by your employer.  Instead of dealing with a hypothetical situation, it would be a real one.  You can also ask me, I would be more than happy to point you in a good direction.

[JJ26]

Thank you so much for the resources.  I will be reading them shortly.  As per the restraining order, I have been checking to see if they would even grant me one since he had me falsely arrested and claimed he was the victim.  As humiliating as that was for me, and even though it was tossed out, I'm wondering if they would even grant me one.  Whats worse, I dont trust that he won't have another flip out/flip flop and try to get one on me, that would be so him since he's the eternal victim.  I do have a paper trail of all contact thankfully.  I'm hoping that if he did try to obtain an order against me, it would not just be granted due to the arrest.  I have the video of him attacking me on my side, along with the pictures of my bloody leg, the text from right afterwards proving he stole my phone and left the apartment and then texted (which came on my watch) saying "Your phone is in the mailbox, think about what you're doing" as well as pictures of other bruises from other fights, the UBER security vmail, and endless rants via text from him.  I'm not very trusting of the law right now after what happened to me, despite it ending well.  Any thoughts?

[SaltyDawg]

It is very understandable that you are leery of law enforcement after they were following the law with your own arrest as the officer's were following their rules - to separate the parties involved.  The law is there to protect you, if you have all of that information that you claim.  Unless this guy is in law enforcement, I would trust the local law enforcement, especially with the information that you have, including a video of an attack.  If necessary go to the local women's shelter, I am sure they have resources for you, and can put you in contact with law enforcement that is more compassionate to your situation.  If you are unsure, contact the domestic violence hotline, they can point you in a good direction to the local shelter or contact law enforcement directly on your behalf.  They may even be able to hook you up with a sliding scale attorney -- if they hook you up with resources for free, if you can afford it, be sure to donate to their cause.

I do have very limited law enforcement training and have received limited training over the years at Broward County [South Florida, near Ft. Lauderdale] police academy, I have worked extensively with law enforcement at the local, state, national, and international levels.  You don't want to be on the wrong side of the law, as you have already experienced; however, they are a tremendous asset they are on your side of the law.  Some cops are A-holes, and not to be trusted; however, most are good apples and will do the right thing.  Your local shelter is the best place to get good resources if you are a woman. 

I am going offline for a bit, however, I will answer additional questions as time permits.

Take care of yourself.  Self-care includes a safety plan for yourself.

[yellowbutterfly]

Without elaborating too much on my own situation, I'll say your story hits close to home. My stbx H uBPD did a lot of the things you describe here. Do NOT hesitate, no matter what you think to protect yourself.

GET AN ORDER OF PROTECTION; you will be granted one. Prepare the form before you go to the court (likely family court) and have all of this information documented, even the arrest from his false accusation.

You can also go to the police station to file a report without needing to call them to come out. I'd do that, too, as the courts look at that if needed. They have DV officers at each precinct and I found mine very helpful.

My only regret in my whole situation is that I didn't get a protection order soon enough or listen to those around me telling me to do so (even on this board). He beat me to getting one and made up more lies about me. I'm still dealing with the ramifications and legal mess of his lies in the divorce. Nothing a pwBPD does is rational.

Also, the suggestion to get a backup phone to call 911 is A GOOD IDEA. My stbx H would also take my phone so I couldn't get help. I would change ALL my passwords to all emails, computers, etc now too. Not to scare you, but my stbx H got into my devices and deleted pictures, emails, texts or anything that would prove he was the abuser. There is a good program on the app store for the computer that is like $9 called iMazing, which will export all your texts to court format should you ever need a copy.

No amount of protecting yourself is enough when dealing with a situation like yours, I speak from experience. As others say below, he's already admitted to stalking you. Go get the order.

We are here for you

[yellowbutterfly]

One more comment on the TOP (Temporary Order of Protection). In my state, whoever gets there first is believed until there is a hearing for a permanent one. My stbx H filed for one against me on so many LIES. He got it. He's the abuser. Don't let this happen to you.

If you get the TOP, and then after he gets mad and gets one, it doesn't matter. They are temporary and his will be "limited" like mine was. Meaning that it'll just say you cannot contact him. Yours will be more restrictive getting it first. This is my biggest regret in life, not thinking I actually needed one. I thought, I can't do that to my H. I was so warped from the abuse and never thought that he'd retaliate with lies to the court, police, etc about me. 

You will then likely have a court hearing since you both have orders. Don't be afraid of the process, call a DV hotline or non-profit legal entity. They can help if you don't have resources or you can hire your own lawyers if you do.

Reach out with more questions for the board, we are here for you!

[Couscous]

I feel so scared for her if thats the case.

After reading this thread I feel so scared for you.

Please take care of yourself and call a DV hotline so they can help you with the restraining order. There are volunteer legal advocates who will be able to assist you. I would also think it prudent for you you to move to a new place as soon as you can so that he doesn’t know where you live, even if it’s moving in with friends temporarily, or even a women’s shelter.