I am so tired of it all

[veralm]

Hi! First post here. Not entirely sure how, or where to start. It's just all too much to grasp, remember or wrap head around. I am thinking I should make a short introduction about me and my life. You all seem like very intelligent people so I am certain you can fill in the blanks I am leaving out.

Grew up in Scandinavia during the 80's/90's. Parents argued ALL the time, lots of alcohol involved, and I was put in the middle. Mom used me as her psychologist and her trash can where she could drop her thoughts about my dad (her husband), expecting me to take her side; which I did to calm the situation.
Dad usually took off to the local bar and that made me, as a 6 year old,terrified he wouldn't come back home alive. So I spent nights awake, until he came home around 3/4/5 am. I did this because in my undeveloped little mind, I could "help" if something were to happen to him. When he did come home, drunk, I felt the greatest relief! Like God (didn't believe in God) had heard my prayers. And on and on it went like this until I moved out when I was 17 (1997). I decided to move to another country while I was at it..

So my childhood caused me to develop SEVERE separation anxiety and this anxiety caused me to make some very unhealthy life choices. Drugs, alcohol, bad people, bad decisions. I have never (!) given anyone anything about myself. It's all been on the surface and if I felt that it was headed somewhere else, I took off. Simple as that.

Fast forward to 2014. I am back where I grew up and, by coincidence, met my current husband.
I was mentally weak then and he was in place where he was "looking" for someone or something to keep him in the country (he was thinking about leaving). The Perfect Storm...

The first red flag, that I recall, was when I was at his work to say "hello" (he invited me) and when I get there, I see him and a female customer of his, standing rubbing shoulders, literally touching eachother, and I recall feeling the situation felt off. So I walk up to them and he yells " I will speak to you soon!". I was totally shocked and said something in response and he YELLS " I want a divorce!". As I was leaving, I remember thinking "Umm..we're not even engaged.."

So, between 2014 and today, I have been JADEing like nobody's business. He has threatened to divorce me. To leave. To move. He accused me of hating his daughter. He has accused me of ruining his relationship with his daughter. He has raised me to the skies while telling daughter she should be like me. He has praised me-hated daughter. Praised daughter-hated me. He has been unhappy with how *I* run OUR company and that "from now on, I will do everything myself because you do a bad job". The first 7 years I did the JADE-dance. I panicked. Cried. Begged. Explained. Apologized. But without even thinking about it, because I didn't know it existed, I stopped JADEing the beginning of 2022. Now I just say things like: "Ok, I understand how you feel-you want to talk about it?". I have without realizing it, become the best psychologist anyone could ever want, until 2 weeks ago when this came flying: "I am leaving the country at the end of the year. I am sick and tired of this place". I said "Ok. What's your plan?" Response "I don't have a plan. I don't want plans! I am just leaving. Do you hear me?" and "Do you want me to leave tonight? I can leave tonight if you want.". I said "why would I want you to leave tonight?" No answer.

So, a 52 year old man, wants to leave his own company he built from the ground up, to a country across the globe, with absolutely no plans for anything. OK, I guess it happens.

I naturally asked him why and got "I will tell you what you need to know: I am getting "raped" here and the rest is none of your business". All I could say was OK all the while the panic was buliding up on the inside. Like literal, sheer terror-panic-anxiety. A few days went by and he opened up a little bit. Said he wanted to move to Canada (very logical choice since he absolutely detests winter and cold) because "that will be good to start a business" and "NO! I will never ask my Canadian citizen sister for help! I am doing it on my own". I said Ok, I understand completely.

Then, I think the real truth came out a day later. We've been having problems with the daughter (15 yr). He has 50% custody (ex wife is batsh!t) but daughter just vanished without a word may 2022. We still don't know what's going on but we do know she's not in school except 30 min x 3 / day and that school will report this to social services. Daughter is now, 7 months later, sending sporadic messages saying "I am sorry. I don't feel well" bla bla bla

A few months after she disapperad (hiding at her mother's) he openly accused me of being to blame. I got extremely upset, which he saw. He never  backed down from that statement but he did provide a milder version, and that he of course "loves me".

Husband says he "will never forgive and trust daughter again". All I have offered is "wow, yes, I completely understand and let me know if you need help with anything. This sounds horrible".

Last week he said " I am worried I will injure (ex wife) her and I don't want to make your (my) life messy so it's better if I move far away. You can come if you want". I said nothing but at this point I was a wreck so am now seeing a psychologist. I need help how to deal with this. I have needed help since I was a child. He is the first person I have dared to open up to. Loved.

Oh, and he has also decided that he doesn't want to die in this country and that he wants to die with his family. Despite having said that I am his family and his "home". He thus wants to move to his sister's country, a woman that is 16 years his senior (67) and will most likely die before him. He also want to lose his (our) beloved company that he many times has said he loves.

So, with my separation anxiety that I barely can control and his BPD (?), we have The Perfect Storm.

Is this typical BPD? To be so definite? It's black/white thinking? I need all the advice I can get! Thank you in advance.

p.ss ever since I started to see the psychologist he has been nice. Helpful. Understanding (haven't said that it's him I need helt with). He hasn't mentioned Canada. He HAS been talking about ,kind like a car passing by, "oh, that thing I want to buy for the company"...or "we can do that (insert improvement) to the company". I have changed the subjec real quick because I haven't wanted him to linger on those thoughts too long because I know that if I don't, he'll change course real quick and it'll all be about how much he wants to move.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rev]

Hello V,

First - Thank you for reaching out. And welcome!  That's alot to be processing and so I am really sorry for what has brought you here and really happy that you have found us.

How was it for you to write all of this, I wonder?  Was it energizing? Peaceful? Stressful?  I would imagine that it was a mix of emotions. And that's a bridge into my this reply.

Is this typical BPD? To be so definite? It's black/white thinking? I need all the advice I can get! Thank you in advance.

p.s. ever since I started to see the psychologist he has been nice. Helpful. Understanding (haven't said that it's him I need help with). He hasn't mentioned Canada. He HAS been talking about ,kind like a car passing by, "oh, that thing I want to buy for the company"...or "we can do that (insert improvement) to the company". I have changed the subject real quick because I haven't wanted him to linger on those thoughts too long because I know that if I don't, he'll change course real quick and it'll all be about how much he wants to move.

The short answer to your question is "yes" and by the sounds of it the swings in his behavior are rather wide and acute.

The second part of this quote is a good reflection of the difference between being "in" the relationship and "managing" the relationship.  Has the work you have been doing with your Therapist been helpful? If so, in what way? 

Experience tells me that until you get yourself better grounded in your own sense of values, it will be very difficult to understand "what to do", per se. Each story is different and as you are witnessing, pwBPD are often moving targets. For them, it really is about what is happening in the moment, often something completely out of your control but projected onto you.

How are you feeling about yourself, just as a separate person? Do you have friends and interests outside the relationship or are your feeling increasing isolated? That too is a barometer of what to do. Being isolated, emotionally and practically, is a typical hallmark of relationships with a pwBPD. 

These are some of the questions I would suggest you could explore to get a sense of where you stand. From there, it will be easier to offer the advice you have asked for.

What do you think?

Hang in there.  You've come to a really great place. You will find lots of support here.

Reach out any time.

Rev

[veralm]

It feels exhausting to talk and write about. First, because I feel as if I'm not worth to be listened to and second, because there is too much to think about. It's draining me completely! I have never really spoken about my mental health and if I, on the rare occasion do, it's just a fleeting expression. Like "wow, this is a really good ice cream". I tend to be detached from myself.

As for friends and interests..not really. I'm not one that needs close friends. I like fleeting conversations because they tend to be on surface level. It's not very deep or personal BUT, I do feel isolated for some reason. Had a falling out with my dad and that was instigated by my husband. Had a falling out with my brother and that was instigated by my husband. They're not "good people" apparently..Husband has accused me many times of not wanting him to talk to his family (they are spread in different countries around the world) and he's correct: NO, I don't want them to call at 3am in the morning and having him answer. This happened all the time our first years together and he twisted my disliking of being woken up for me trying to hinder him to speak to them at all. So it wouldn't surprise me if he intentionally damaged MY family relations out of spite. 1-1, now we're even..

When I'm alone I'm mostly happy. Free! Until the anxiety sets in and I head back to husband. Sometimes there's a sense of guilt. I shouldn't be happy when I know he isn't. That kinda stuff.

I used to be very carefree, besides separation anxiety and my parents dark looming cloud over my head, but I've changed to something entirely different since beeing married. Insecure, nervous, tip-tooeing. The "Not-Rock-The-Boat-Person". Watching my every step-person. Think about every word I say-person. The worry about how I dress-person. Everything I do is based on not setting him off.

Many times I've felt, strongly, that it isn't actually me he's assaulting. It's himself or someone else but I happen to be there, so his mind gets mixed up somehow. It's like he's mimicking things he's experienced with someone else or things someone else has said. In this particular instance, he would be dissapointed with his daughter and angry  with the ex wife. Will he actually tell them this? No he won't. He will attack me instead. That's the best way I can explain it.

[Rev]

It feels exhausting to talk and write about. First, because I feel as if I'm not worth to be listened to and second, because there is too much to think about. It's draining me completely! I have never really spoken about my mental health and if I, on the rare occasion do, it's just a fleeting expression. Like "wow, this is a really good ice cream". I tend to be detached from myself.

As for friends and interests..not really. I'm not one that needs close friends. I like fleeting conversations because they tend to be on surface level. It's not very deep or personal BUT, I do feel isolated for some reason. Had a falling out with my dad and that was instigated by my husband. Had a falling out with my brother and that was instigated by my husband. They're not "good people" apparently..Husband has accused me many times of not wanting him to talk to his family (they are spread in different countries around the world) and he's correct: NO, I don't want them to call at 3am in the morning and having him answer. This happened all the time our first years together and he twisted my disliking of being woken up for me trying to hinder him to speak to them at all. So it wouldn't surprise me if he intentionally damaged MY family relations out of spite. 1-1, now we're even..

When I'm alone I'm mostly happy. Free! Until the anxiety sets in and I head back to husband. Sometimes there's a sense of guilt. I shouldn't be happy when I know he isn't. That kinda stuff.

I used to be very carefree, besides separation anxiety and my parents dark looming cloud over my head, but I've changed to something entirely different since beeing married. Insecure, nervous, tip-tooeing. The "Not-Rock-The-Boat-Person". Watching my every step-person. Think about every word I say-person. The worry about how I dress-person. Everything I do is based on not setting him off.

Many times I've felt, strongly, that it isn't actually me he's assaulting. It's himself or someone else but I happen to be there, so his mind gets mixed up somehow. It's like he's mimicking things he's experienced with someone else or things someone else has said. In this particular instance, he would be dissapointed with his daughter and angry  with the ex wife. Will he actually tell them this? No he won't. He will attack me instead. That's the best way I can explain it.

Hi again V

I just wanted to let you know I read this. AND to say thanks for the vote of confidence. 

I'll let this sink in and get back to you tomorrow. In the meantime, please hear that you are allowed to get the things you need and I hear how much maneuvering you seem to be doing to be heard even.  I also hear how tired you are saying you are, and that is a hallmark too of these relationships. They can be VERY draining - physically and emotionally. Being invisible takes more energy than we realize some times.  And yes - pwBPD who have NPD traits can in fact actively isolate their partners from their friends and families. That is very common.

I'll reach out again.

Hang in there.

Rev