Quiet bpd

[Bowness]

Hi everyone,

New here and looking for some insight. I've been looking through some threads for support although many stories are relatable I feel my situation is a bit different. My husband is diagnosed bpd and he relates more to what we have seen referred to as "high functioning" or "quiet" bpd. So he doesn't outwardly tear me down he goes completely internal during these episodes. During these times he is unreachable physically and emotionally and frankly wants nothing to do with me. Internally he is tearing me down and i am the villian but he keeps it inward. It's like having 2 different relationships. For many days I will be showered with love whole heartedly the best communications, many laughs and good times and 1 comment will send him spinning in his head for days and its like we are completely seperated . Eventually after some time passes, usually 3 to 5  days we will flip back to the happy, loving place where I can do no wrong. At times i wish he would just yell at me and lash out so at least i would know what i have said to trigger him. Then maybe i could resolve it quicker. He is aware and knows its not right and is trying his best to commilunicate after the fact.  I can elaborate more but just wondering If there is anyone who could relate.

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[Joaquin]

What you’re describing is classic splitting (seeing you only in black or white, devil or angel), but of the quiet variety. I’ve seen YouTube videos from experts about the different kinds of pwBPD and some are definitely the quieter type. I can’t remember the details but shouldn’t be hard to find if you’re up for some YouTube searching.

I can relate somewhat. My uBPDw is not an explosive rager. She can definitely alternate between quiet resentment and voicing lots of blame, but doing it from a place of “I’m hurting and crying and it’s your fault” instead of the kind of violent rage a lot of ppl here describe. I also sometimes wish it were that more outward form because the quiet version caused me to really internalize all the blame and criticism for a long time and it did me a lot of damage.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Bowness, 

Welcome, and I'm glad you've joined our online family. I always feel that it takes a certain amount of courage to reach out and make that first post. 

During these times he is unreachable physically and emotionally and frankly wants nothing to do with me. Internally he is tearing me down and i am the villian but he keeps it inward.

For many here, the raging is common in the pwBPD that they live with, and it was that way with my uBPDm too. Yet she also had these silent treatment times, and those were what I saw in my DH through all the years we were together. Do you feel that is what you would call the behavior you're seeing, during these times of inward focus in your DH?

How do you feel during these times? I was so very lonely, and not many could understand when I said I was so lonely in my marriage. The silent treatment is really hard to endure. It can leave you questioning your own sanity. I learned through T that it's really important to get your own emotional needs met in healthy ways so that it will help you be able to survive the tough places in your marriage. What might that look like for you?

Would you like the link to the article here about the silent treatment?

 
Wools

[Bowness]

Thank you both for your thoughts and advice. Yes it almost feels like we have broken up. I start to reply the past few days what I may have said. There are times I can accept what is happening and not take it too much to heart. I know he will circle back. Other times, because I'm human too, It's very frustrating not having a partner from one moment to the next. Lonely for sure. I've tried to explain it to people but they really don't understand when I say my relationship is almost perfect a large majority of the time. Then these small spurts of time absolutely terrible. Then the aftermath of trying to rel ive the moments that hurt everyone and heal is exhausting. If you could post the link to the article about the silent treatment that would be appreciated. It most definitely feels like that.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Bowness

I am having trouble finding what I wanted to share with you about the silent treatment, but I did find another good article that is parallel to that, Behaviors: Push/Pull. I certainly remember that dance!

How are you doing today?

 
Wools

[LifewithEase]

Bowness,

Welcome!

If it helps to know, you're not alone.

My uBPDw is the champion of silent treatments. Instead of being angry for an hour or two or the afternoon. She can give me the silent treatment (at times with the angry face and body language) for day or two long. The record was 4 days or so. It was so confusing and unsettling. It happens often yet less so now that she kinda has picked up on its lack of affect on me.

Early on in the relationship the silent treatments were so frustrating. They conflicted with my strong belief in communication and trying to resolve. The idea that you do not go to bed angry, along with trying to conflict resolution, use kind / active listening skills, share/receive care, use humor to break up the tension, etc. You can't do any of this when they will not engage. She knew she had control and it effected me.

Early on it was so foreign but I'd see a pattern. Now that I understand that I'm dealing with uBPDw it makes sense and the pattern has definition. Sounds twisted to admit but we are all in this trusted community - At this point, I prefer her silent treatments than rage or baiting. It is easier to remind myself to focus on myself and let her do her. It is a great excuse to go have fun with the kids, go do a project, get outside, have fun with the dog.

But I hear ya. It hurts. It doesn't feel good.

You might want to learn more about petulant BPD. I couldn't find any links or thread on BPDFamily so here is a link at a popular website to learn the high-level basics: https://www.verywellhealth.com/types-of-bpd-5193843 Petulant BPDs are very into control and one frequent way is the silent treatment. And it is also a good descriptor because it reminds you that you're dealing with a disabled emotional adult similar to a normal developing petulant adolescent.

Also, there are many older threads on silent treatments. They might be worth reading.

Lastly, as I always say, I don't own her dysregulation.

[SaltyDawg]

[...]I feel my situation is a bit different. My husband is diagnosed bpd and he relates more to what we have seen referred to as "high functioning" or "quiet" bpd. So he doesn't outwardly tear me down he goes completely internal during these episodes. During these times he is unreachable physically and emotionally and frankly wants nothing to do with me. Internally he is tearing me down and i am the villian but he keeps it inward. It's like having 2 different relationships. For many days I will be showered with love whole heartedly the best communications, many laughs and good times and 1 comment will send him spinning in his head for days and its like we are completely seperated . Eventually after some time passes, usually 3 to 5  days we will flip back to the happy, loving place where I can do no wrong. At times i wish he would just yell at me and lash out so at least i would know what i have said to trigger him. Then maybe i could resolve it quicker. He is aware and knows its not right and is trying his best to commilunicate after the fact.  I can elaborate more but just wondering If there is anyone who could relate.

Bowness,

I can definitely relate.  My uBPDw can present as a high-functioning invisible [most of the time] like yours, or can also present as a 'monster' being a conventional.  She is ultra-smart, and can blend in when she is 'baseline' and appears perfectly normal most of the time.

However, she can behave as you described, or as a 'classic' horror film deranged individual when she is having her 'episodes'.

My pwBPD [person with BPD] fulfills all of those characteristics.  You observed two distinct personalities of black or white.  Since my wife is so intelligent, she can mimic a personality in between of being grey [most people's baseline] and has a couple of her therapists fooled she is normal, I have observed 3 distinct phases of her personality.

1.  Splits me white, it is great, I'm on a pedestal, it is intoxicating, I do enjoy her being this way, but I also know this person is 'too good to be true'; however, during the honeymoon [infatuation phase] which lasted 5 years 2 months, it was totally awesome from my perspective.  With time this phase has been less and less prevalent.
2.  When she is not 1 or 3, She is baseline, acts like a normal person, and has most everyone around her fooled, myself included for over two decades.  This happens the vast majority of the time - like 90-99% of the time.
3.  Split me black, it is terrible, and it is very toxic, and is the complete opposite of #1.  She either rages at me.  Or I get the silent treatment.  Or it is a rage, and then followed by the silent treatment, after I gray rock her rage.  Either way it is emotionally abusive.  On rare occasions it has even escalated to her doing physical abuse of me.  I did not see this aspect of her until five weeks after we were married [2 weeks after our 3 week honeymoon ended, or almost 2-1/2 years after we started dating].  I was shocked, I was dumbfounded, I told her I felt 'baited and switched' and she reverted back to love-bombing after she told me I could leave and I was considering it - her abandonment fears kicked in.

As others have pointed out, it is commonly thought there are 4 distinct types of BPD, I have seen articles describing 5 or even 8 types.  All of the articles indicate that a pwBPD can exhibit more than one type, I am one of the unfortunate ones who gets to experience a person with multiple types of BPD and managing their personality can be quite challenging to say the least.

You are not alone.  Keep talking/venting/asking questions to help you process what you are going through. 

I have come up with a plethora of coping mechanisms that work for me and some could work for you too.

My number one coping mechanism [I didn't discover this until this past June] is Self-Care.  Getting exercise out in nature to me is the best, usually a hike, or mountain bike ride for me.  Others do walks/runs/etc.  I also do long hot showers and get lost in a good book/movie/tv series.  Those are my top three.

Only you can take care of yourself, so, do take care.

[Pook075]

How do you feel during these times? I was so very lonely, and not many could understand when I said I was so lonely in my marriage. The silent treatment is really hard to endure. It can leave you questioning your own sanity.

I can't tell you how many thousands of times I felt that exact same way- I used to tell close friends that I felt like a married bachelor because I was alone so much.  Towards the end of our 24 year marriage, I'd feel that way with my ex laying right beside me as she was completely detached and in her own inner-depressed world.

I now feel sorry for her more than anything, and it's good to know that others had similar experiences other than the explosive, rage-filled BPD.  I had explosive, outward those instances as well, but 95% of the time I was seeing the depressed, withdrawn version that doesn't really feel like it fits the classic diagnosis.  

Surprisingly, the Eggshells book said that the quiet type is actually a lot more common...it's just diagnosed a lot less because it flies under the radar.

[Pook075]

1.  Splits me white, it is great, I'm on a pedestal, it is intoxicating, I do enjoy her being this way, but I also know this person is 'too good to be true'; however, during the honeymoon [infatuation phase] which lasted 5 years 2 months, it was totally awesome from my perspective.  With time this phase has been less and less prevalent.
2.  When she is not 1 or 3, She is baseline, acts like a normal person, and has most everyone around her fooled, myself included for over two decades.  This happens the vast majority of the time - like 90-99% of the time.
3.  Split me black, it is terrible, and it is very toxic, and is the complete opposite of #1.  She either rages at me.  Or I get the silent treatment.  Or it is a rage, and then followed by the silent treatment, after I gray rock her rage.  Either way it is emotionally abusive.  On rare occasions it has even escalated to her doing physical abuse of me.  I did not see this aspect of her until five weeks after we were married [2 weeks after our 3 week honeymoon ended, or almost 2-1/2 years after we started dating].  I was shocked, I was dumbfounded, I told her I felt 'baited and switched' and she reverted back to love-bombing after she told me I could leave and I was considering it - her abandonment fears kicked in.

I had the identical experience- dated for almost two years, then married for maybe 6-8 weeks and I'm being swung on over the smallest, most basic disagreement.  My pwBPD was mostly in #2 as well, but when something was wrong she'd get anxiety, migraines, and shut down for several days.  That was her baseline...maybe 2-3 good days, 1-2 days being shut down, and then 2-3 days of running to friends/family/etc. just to avoid whatever she couldn't deal with that week.

The sad part is, I never saw the pattern or realized that something was very, very off.  I'm a smart guy, and I think the love just blinded me from what was there all along.