False sense of security because of not following through

[Modron]

New twist. I feel a little bit like I've been lulled into a "false sense of security." After getting support from my family I reached a new understanding that my wife will be okay if I end the relationship.
Then, I was sick for 6 weeks with upper respiratory infections. Then tried to regain some physical fitness, over did it, hurt myself, had to stop again for a few days. And then got another upper respiratory infection. So, that coupled with anxiety over getting older I'm experiencing quite a bit of frustration that's just mine.

Plus, I'm nearing retirement age which I have no interest in retiring and if I stay with my wife we can't afford it because of some debt she still has. (We were told that by a financial advisor. She had taken out numerous parent loans for her stepson. And, she liked the easy money up front without thinking about the long term debt. She always thought she'd have family money to help repay them. But, now her mom is in memory care which is really expensive. So, even though her stepson is now helping repay her parent student loans she is still legally responsible for the notes.) Now I think the family money situation isn't going to be what she thought it would be and  she's frustrated because I've never really put my assets in her name. I'm frustrated because I had expected to have a partner not someone who just saw me as the source of an income. I haven't been sure the marriage is going to last in spite of us being together for ten years. I feel like some of this confusion is because I didn't poop or get off the pot when I was having second thoughts about the relationship.

So, the false sense of security. When I started imagining myself ending the relationship and feeling okay about it because I accepted that at least her family would be there for her. I dunno, I started feeling better, lighter and free. And maybe stopped paying enough attention to the fact that the relationship still is what it is.

And blam-o life happens: finances, a death in the family and she's singing at the funeral service, Mom's in memory care I'm getting screamed and yelled at again. I am tipped completely off balance. I've seen a way out for myself, but not had the courage(?) to follow through. And I know I'm not invested in using the skills that can help smooth some of this out.

The price of my hesitation and not being all in or all out on this relationship is kinda high.

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