Reconciling my wellness and guilt with societal expectations

[So Stressed]

I thought I had replied in this post when I first read Methuen's post because I related to it as if I had written it myself. I think I typed up my post and wasn't done and never posted it.  Anyway, "ditto" to everything that Methuen wrote in her initial post about other people's expectations and reactions to how we do or don't care for our mothers.  I know that my Mom says negative things about me to her neighbours, friends, and our family because I have heard her say things like, "Oh, I never get out," and "I haven't been shopping for clothes for 3 years," and other untrue statements.  I feel the vibes around her neighbours and friends when I get introduced to them.

 I used to wonder why my friends could help care for their parents and their parents were grateful for the help, but when I try to care for my Mom, she gets abusive or critical.  She always wants me to come over to help her with the many things she says she needs help with. I tell her to make a list and I'll be over at a specific time, and when I get there, there isn't a list and she can't remember what she needs help with, or she doesn't want to do it anymore. And, no, she didn't forget.  It's just manipulation to get me there, or she decides that she doesn't want my help.

For awhile, we had a lot of conflict because Mom had decided that she wanted to go into the most expensive assisted living place in the area, and she can't afford to go there. She thought I would pay.  I am over 70 and still working so I can retire, and I certainly won't be going to a place like that when I need care.  So, I told her that I couldn't afford to subsidize her to go there and she was furious.  I think she might still be mad about that, but I simply can't afford to jeopardize my own financial situation so that she can live in luxury.  If she had gone to that place when she wanted to, she would be out of money now. She laid a lot of guilt on me for that.

We got home care last week and by Tuesday of this week, Mom was threatening to cancel it. She has someone new to hate - the care aid - who hasn't done anything wrong.  But, she is apparently, "too helpful," and "taking over my life," according to Mom. That's what she tells me, too...I am trying to take over her life.

She has fired several cleaning ladies over the last few years. 

Reading everyone's comments in this thread has been very helpful to me .. just knowing that I am not alone is such a comfort.  I was beginning to think that all the critical, mean, and abusive things my family had said about me were true, even though I know at a deeper level that they are not ttrue and my therapist tells me they are not true.  It is so good to not be alone. 

[Notwendy]

 I used to wonder why my friends could help care for their parents and their parents were grateful for the help, but when I try to care for my Mom, she gets abusive or critical.  She always wants me to come over to help her with the many things she says she needs help with. I tell her to make a list and I'll be over at a specific time, and when I get there, there isn't a list and she can't remember what she needs help with, or she doesn't want to do it anymore. And, no, she didn't forget.  It's just manipulation to get me there, or she decides that she doesn't want my help.

For awhile, we had a lot of conflict because Mom had decided that she wanted to go into the most expensive assisted living place in the area, and she can't afford to go there. She thought I would pay.  I am over 70 and still working so I can retire, and I certainly won't be going to a place like that when I need care.  So, I told her that I couldn't afford to subsidize her to go there and she was furious.  I think she might still be mad about that, but I simply can't afford to jeopardize my own financial situation so that she can live in luxury.  If she had gone to that place when she wanted to, she would be out of money now. She laid a lot of guilt on me for that.

We got home care last week and by Tuesday of this week, Mom was threatening to cancel it. She has someone new to hate - the care aid - who hasn't done anything wrong.  But, she is apparently, "too helpful," and "taking over my life," according to Mom. That's what she tells me, too...I am trying to take over her life.

She has fired several cleaning ladies over the last few years.  

 


Reading this, it sounds like you are writing about my mother. One of her home helpers was really good and my mother didn't respond well to her being helpful. Eventually this helper quit. I think her frustration was similar to ours- attempting to help but BPD mother wanting control and making this difficult.

My mother also requests me to come help and then when I get there, changes her mind or gets angry, or for some other reason it doesn't get done.

My father left my mother with a considerable financial amount. We don't know what that is exactly but we know it was enough to provide for her.  She actually could have afforded an expensive assisted living had she planned accordingly, but her desire for control has been greater. She is now in the situation where home health care has become a significant cost for her.

I think she does resent that I didn't move her closer to me. That actually was a plan at one point when my father was ill but there was a lot of drama over that idea and once they got angry, they refused to discuss the options I had looked at for them. To summarize it all- there was so much drama, verbal and emotional abuse on her part I realized this was not something I could manage. She doesn't seem to connect this to her behavior and seems to assume it's my fault or something.

It's not that I don't wish otherwise. I do wish I could have had that kind of relationship with my parents here that I saw my friends doing and I feel I tried to do that, but this situation is different, and it's complicated.

[Notwendy]

NotWendy, Could this be PDA - pathological demand avoidance?  I'm convinced my mom has this too - it was suggested to me by a nurse.  You could try googling it and see if it fits.  For my mom, anything can become a demand - even going to an appointment is a demand upon her - and any demand stresses her out.  

I have heard of this. I looked it up and it's not something I was aware of. It may be a component but  I think it's more about my mother feeling invalidated when people make requests of her, as she seems to need to have others do things for her. Another poster on the relationship board posted that for pwBPD, they feel validated when people do things for them, so any request that my mother does something is against what I think she needs them to do.

Some of her family members have begun to catch on to her behavior and are beginning to see it. I am glad for this as they seem to want to be helpful and now are less likely to be enabling. She seems to respond better to their suggestions, and that is a good thing.

[Methuen]

I am happy for you that there is some potential support from extended family, and they may be seeing what is going on. 

It’s really difficult for you to be in the position of seeing her burn through her money, and not be able to do anything about it.

Hopefully these relatives can see what is happening clearly.  It will be interesting for you to observe where that goes.

[Notwendy]

Thankfully they have recognized her behavior with her finances, and that we have tried to advise her without success. They have made some attempts to advise her. She responds better to them than to us. Hopefully, they will have some success with this but ultimately, it's still her choice. If she doesn't consider their assistance with making financial decisions- then I think we have all done the best we can do. I am cautiously hopeful she may surprise us by cooperating with them.

[Methuen]

If she doesn't consider their assistance with making financial decisions- then I think we have all done the best we can do. I am cautiously hopeful she may surprise us by cooperating with them.

Fingers crossed! Hoping for a miracle for you, and then also hoping it holds!

[Notwendy]

Thanks, me too!

I hope she makes the right choice-fingers crossed!

[Notwendy]

Although it's upsetting to see my mother's careless spending in terms of not wanting her to compromise her own needs, it seems oddly appropriate. It's like a visual representation of our family dynamics. Her wishes always came first, as if nothing else mattered.

I saw the money as a representation of my father's efforts - and that matters. But it somehow makes perfect sense that, if only my mother's wishes matter, then this is what he'd have chosen.

I would have chosen something more sustainable such as a trust, but that may have been an assumption on my part. This seems to be a fitting designation for them and it may be exactly how my father would have wanted it.

[Mommydoc]

NotWendy, it sounds like you have achieved a level of radical acceptance about this situation that we all strive for.

To summarize it all- there was so much drama, verbal and emotional abuse on her part I realized this was not something I could manage. She doesn't seem to connect this to her behavior and seems to assume it's my fault or something.

This statement is something, almost everyone on this forum could “copy/paste” into our own stories. You are a great example of self awareness, working through it and acceptance.  Thank you.

 I am so happy that the extended family is getting involved, appears to be aware, but also is well intentioned.  Please take the space that provides for you and focus on yourself.  I love that you are finding meaning in your fathers efforts to provide, recognize you would have done it differently, but that ultimately he would have given in to her wishes.

[Notwendy]

Thanks Mommydoc. I hope that they are successful too. I posted about a relationship with a neighbor. My mother responds better to her family and this neighbor than she does with her own children. That BPD affects the closest relationships is an unfortunate situation but I think we all have a common goal- for her to be in a situation that is best for her. I hope she feels that way too.