Introduction

[The Fairy Wren]

Hi there! I have an adult child who has been diagnosed with BPD (amongst other complex medical issues). I am seeking support in the hope I can help him and hold my own space without going crazy myself.

Bear with me whilst I give you some context. My son is 23. He was operated on for scoliosis at 17 and this triggered escalation of a kidney disease he had but didn’t know. Long story short(er) he has had one kidney transplant that failed and is now back on dialysis which is not working. I’m a single parent, he’s an identical twin. His identical twin does not have the kidney disease and failure his twin has. There is ADHD in the family.

I suspect the trauma from my sons medical issues has taken what was probably ADHD and twisted it into BPD. That said, I remember these extremes of emotions and constant anger at those close to me as a young person as well.

I am seeking support as I attempt to reframe the relationship with my son. It is very difficult as he is triggered by everything I do or say and projects and accuses me of things as he is doing them himself.  It is difficult to have a conversation with him and he does not live with me. I have also moved away which will have triggered abandonment issues, but was necessary.

I am looking for support, strategies and validation. particularly from parents who may also understand the impact of chronic and life threatening disease on their adult children with BPD. How do I shift the manipulation and ‘victimhood as a weapon’? I am trying hard to gently and compassionately interact but he is intelligent, manipulative and terrified of life. I have a great deal of compassion for him but I struggle to navigate our relationship. He offers favours and help then uses this as a weapon to (mostly) ask for money. I am still unsure of how to manage my boundaries around this due to his illness.

There’s much more, I am sure this story is familiar. I hope there may be some wisdom and strength here I can draw on. Thanks again!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Hi Wren.  I'm so sorry you're going thru this and I can only relate a little bit.  My daughter w/ BPD is about the same age as your son, and she's had several medical problems in her early adult life...none life threatening though.  She is also bipolar though and we knew something was very off her entire life.  Raising her was pure hell and I spent a good 10+ years furious at her, while also loving her with all my heart.  Only a parent in our circumstance can understand that last sentence.

All I can tell you is that you have to forgive him, while also putting up some crystal clear boundaries on what's acceptable and what's not.  Don't accept the manipulation at face value because that encourages more bad behavior.  Study this site, read up on what you can do to deescalate and show empathy. 

It's hard, it's frustrating, and it's certainly not fair, but you can have a normal relationship someday.  I'm finally there with my kid and we're basically best friends now.  It took years of her in therapy though and working to change...that's the catalyst to everything.

[The Fairy Wren]

Thanks for taking the time to respond Pook075, I am doing my best but it hurts so much and nothing I have been doing seems to work. I will keep going and hope things get better but he is a long way from seeking help and a long way from me. I miss him terribly.

[Tornfamily]

I totally understand what you are going through.  There are days I love my daughter and enjoy being with her but most days I sit on the edge of my seat waiting.  The little girl I loved with my whole heart is gone and although I know it’s an illness and I can’t put the blame on her I do.  I am angry she won’t seek help and be honest.  She knows she is sick but makes excuses why she can’t get help.  (I can’t afford it, Nobody can help me, I can’t take time off work, there’s no help out there…….)  And over the years when I have gotten therapists for her she just lies to them or leaves when she doesn’t like what she is hearing.  It’s exhausting.  My husband (her stepfather) doesn’t understand mental illness.  He has the mentality that people can just “fix it.” I have gone to Nami classes which helped but basically I am my own support team and it’s hard.  Her siblings have been through a lot with her behaviour and are tired of it.  I wish they could be there for her but I understand their anger.  Stay strong and take any support you can get.  You are definitely not alone in your struggles.