Hi everyone.
I am working with a therapist to address some of these things, but I could use some folks who have been through it to just reinforce the truth and work against the gaslighting.
I'll try to make this shorter, but it's just a lot as I am sure you all know.
I am a late stage cancer survivor and a middle aged mother. My family life was always chaotic and I never knew how to describe it accurately. Now, I strongly suspect my mother had BPD. Reading the diagnostic criteria actually made me cry the first time because I finally had a word for my experiences.
My mother physically attacked me December 2nd. I am 2 years out from my cancer diagnosis and doing well. I am still in treatment but finished with chemo. During treatment, my mother insisted on "driving me" to my doctor in another state. (Although, I actually drove during the worst traffic and she got angry with me the one time she had to drive during a snow storm.)
We got along better than usual during this treatment period, however, and I mistakenly thought our dynamic had changed. Our family moved next door to them because I thought I was dying and wanted my kids and husband to be settled.
When she attacked me, she ripped out handfuls of my hair, which was the most traumatic part. The last time I saw a handful of my hair, I'd just been told I was incurable and had about 5 years left to live. As a mom, all I could do was beg God to give me 10 more years to raise my kids to adulthood. I don't think I'll ever forget that feeling of sitting naked on my bathroom floor, sobbing and holding a handful of my hair and trying to stay quiet so my family wouldn't hear. It was such helpless, hopeless feeling. Anyone who has been through chemo knows the emotional turmoil.
Anyway, I felt all of these emotions all over again looking at that clump of hair my mother ripped out. It's hard to describe. Something inside of me snapped. I have zero sympathy for her now where I used to feel the need to protect her.
To get her off me during the attack, I hit her in the face. She screamed at me "What kind of daughter punches her mother in the face?" Nevermind the fact that she attacked me and would not get off me when I repeatedly asked her to. I was covered in scratches and bruises- yes, even on my face- but because she hadn't punched me in the face, she blamed me. I had participated in the escalation by cursing at her when she was cursing at me, so apparently she believed I deserved the attack and I was making it out to be worse than it was. (To be fair, my platelets are always low now, so I do bruise easily.)
I filed a police report but asked them not to press charges. Because her income is reliant on public image, I have never been allowed to talk about what happens behind closed doors. I've told almost no one about the attack, though I did open up to my father, brother and a few close friends.
Now, I am frustrated because she is essentially lying to everyone about why I have been distant. She has told everyone it is due to my tumor markers rising (Partially true- they did. My markers seem very tied to stress levels.)
There is much more, but I'm making this "short."
It has been a circus.
Unfortunately, my brother who at first supported me is now not responding to my texts. My father is friendly enough when he sees me, but he has always been hands-off. It feels like they have both "chosen" her, which is to be expected though it does hurt. My brother even told me before he stopped talking to me that he and my father had a discussion where they acknowledged that I couldn't have done the damage to myself (WHAT?) My dad also told me that while he knows my mom has "split personalities," he is not going to put her into a "truth crisis" by forcing her to acknowledge things she did to me.
So, I expected neither of them would ever truly have my back.
What isn't expected and what has really hurt the most is that there are other people that have also backed my mother.
My mom has made comments to my dad that she "knows every cop in this town" and if he should ever do anything to cause her to retaliate against him, none would believe him. In fact, when she poisoned some neighborhood dogs a few years ago, she told me that the cops wouldn't do anything to her because they were the ones who told her to do it.
Now my mom is cozying up to many of my friends that she claimed she hated a few months ago.
It feels as if she's telling me in no uncertain terms that no one will believe me if I do choose to come forward with the truth.
I feel very alone in all of this, though I know I am not really. My friends, husband, in-laws and those who know my mom's antics all support me.
In the end, I don't want ANYTHING to do with any of it. I just want her out of my life. I want it to be as if she were a distant acquaintance and if I see her on the street, I can politely nod and go on.
How do defend yourselves and stay true to reality while also not maliciously spreading details which would hurt the BPD person? I am so tired of the gaslighting and feeling like I have to either delve into all of the messiness or pretend everything is fine. I don't want to do either.
I really feel like I need support to reinforce what is true but also how to know when to just be okay with knowing she's going to turn a lot of people against me.
Now that I have been away from the madness, I realize just how completely insane it all is and I want some blessed peace in my life before I die.
