Need some vision into this chaos

[Bella2798]

Hi again. I'm sorry if this is too long but I would really appreciate anyone who reads this and helps me. (And before I start I would thank anyone who can give me some useful resources on how to talk to someone when they're suicidal to reduce the risk because it seems I lack this skill)

Well I go straight to the point. My partner got diagnosed with glaucoma and very high IOP, and it freaked him out as it was one of his worst fears, and he was already dealing with much before.

He was too suicidal for 2 days. Made a will, said goodbye to friends, even managed the way he wanted to die. And as we're in a long distance relationship, I couldn't to anything but to inform his flatmates.

There is one person among his flatmates whom was interested in my partner and they had kind of a relationship, I would call that person J (my partner is polyamorous).

The first night I was so deep into a big anxiety, I was talking to him all day and couldn't convince him to get help. Just when he told me he's going to commit suicide, I texted to one of his flatmates who was out of reach, so I searched through all the numbers he had given me before and only could find J's. So I texted them, told them that the other friend was out of reach and if they can check up on my partner.

The other they went like pervious one, and I informed that one other flatmate too because he said he was alone at home. J told my partner they need to talk because things happening are too much for them to handle, and the broke up. This really hurt my partner.

Late at night he got better finally and less suicidal. But he found out that I had texted J. I didn't know that J would be triggered and actually break up, all that I was thinking at that moment was to keep my partner alive and safe. He got very mad, broke things in the house and blocked me for the whole night.

We talk now but he says I'm not important to him at all even if I die, and he doesn't want to be in any relationship forever. He said he couldn't believe I did this to him. And I know how he feels, but I just couldn't stand watching him die, even if he didn't do it, I didn't know and couldn't know at that time and I told him so.

Now his friends think I'm a toxic partner, and he treats me like that, and I just need some advice. I don't know what to do.

(P.s: I can't know what is the problem exactly. He was getting way better when he found out, he didn't want to commit suicide anymore, now he says I kept him alive for myself because I'm sick. I don't know if this is only related to his break up, related to that I informed his flatmates, that I didn't let him commit suicide. I don't know what's wrong or right anymore.)

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

Hi Bella!  I am so sorry that you're going through this alone and it must be very difficult.  Unfortunately, I do not have answers for you because we don't have context- for instance, was he really suicidal, or just saying that to get attention from you?  We don't know but I can tell you that in those circumstances, the correct move is to call his local police department and send an officer and/or an ambulance. 

If someone threatens to harm themselves or others, then law enforcement will respond appropriately to protect them.

In terms of the relationship stuff with J, you couldn't have possibly known that reaching out for help would cause what it caused.  That's on your partner and nobody else, don't let him blame you for that.  I mentioned that I don't know if his suicidal ideation was real because why would he care if someone broke up with him if he's planning on dying?  Doesn't make much sense to me.  As I said though, the correct move is always to call for help by alerting the local authorities.

Good luck and again, I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

[Bella2798]

Hi Bella!  I am so sorry that you're going through this alone and it must be very difficult.  Unfortunately, I do not have answers for you because we don't have context- for instance, was he really suicidal, or just saying that to get attention from you?  We don't know but I can tell you that in those circumstances, the correct move is to call his local police department and send an officer and/or an ambulance. 

If someone threatens to harm themselves or others, then law enforcement will respond appropriately to protect them.

In terms of the relationship stuff with J, you couldn't have possibly known that reaching out for help would cause what it caused.  That's on your partner and nobody else, don't let him blame you for that.  I mentioned that I don't know if his suicidal ideation was real because why would he care if someone broke up with him if he's planning on dying?  Doesn't make much sense to me.  As I said though, the correct move is always to call for help by alerting the local authorities.

Good luck and again, I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

Actually I don't know myself either that did he really want to commit suicide, but one thing for sure was that he felt really awful because of the situation of his diagnosis. I think he didn't care about the person but the feeling of rejection specially when he was in the worst hurt him.
Thanks for your answer though, I've been dealing with the feeling that I'm really a toxic careless person. We live in two different countries and I couldn't call anywhere related to his place, maybe that's why I had that much fear.

[Pook075]

Thanks for your answer though, I've been dealing with the feeling that I'm really a toxic careless person.

Why would you think that?  He reached out for help and you did everything you could to help.  That's not toxic or careless.

Have you considered seeking counseling in your local area?  I don't have a lot of details about your relationship, but it sounds like you've been through an awful lot and probably have some feelings to unpack.  While you can't help your partner or J right now, it's important for you to help yourself.

[Bella2798]

Why would you think that?  He reached out for help and you did everything you could to help.  That's not toxic or careless.

Have you considered seeking counseling in your local area?  I don't have a lot of details about your relationship, but it sounds like you've been through an awful lot and probably have some feelings to unpack.  While you can't help your partner or J right now, it's important for you to help yourself.

Yes actually, but my situation is a bit complicated right now. I'm currently living with my family, and a mixture of cultural background and their unwillingness to accept my relationship has made it hard for me to seek help right now, but I definitely need help in near future. Nothing like what happened 2 days ago triggered and affected me in all these 10 years with my partner I guess.

[thankful person]

Bella, I can also tell that you are such a kind and caring person, and it seems your partner is doing a good job of convincing you otherwise. It doesn’t mean he is being malicious, just that pwbpd feel so threatened by the world it helps them to blame those closest to them for all the negative feelings in their hearts. My wife is similar, always saying things like that I don’t support her and I never have, she doesn’t trust me or feel close to me.

We used to be in a long distance relationship, particularly disastrous as I was still with my ex. One time she had her suicide all planned out. Actually she had received a distressing diagnosis too at that time. I asked her permission to contact her therapist. She gave me her number and I texted her. My wife has never forgiven me for this and still brings it up. I also told my wife that she had to get better (recover from the self harming and eating disorder) if I was to give up my whole life to be with her. I was emotionally a complete mess and I knew I couldn’t cope with that on top of breaking my ex’s heart. At times my wife thanks me for saving her life. At other times she speaks of how selfish I am that I wasn’t there when she needed me (even though I was online constantly).

It’s the nature of bpd. It is important to detach from your partner’s feelings. You don’t have to agree with his feelings, especially if they are attacking you. You have to learn to take care of yourself. I know it’s very hard. For me I finally understood this after we had children: I have to learn to take care of myself, so that I can be a good role model for them. I still don’t totally feel like I deserve to be looking after myself. But it sure is comforting at times. Most people with partners can turn to their partner for support in a way that we will never be able to.

[Bella2798]

Bella, I can also tell that you are such a kind and caring person, and it seems your partner is doing a good job of convincing you otherwise. It doesn’t mean he is being malicious, just that pwbpd feel so threatened by the world it helps them to blame those closest to them for all the negative feelings in their hearts. My wife is similar, always saying things like that I don’t support her and I never have, she doesn’t trust me or feel close to me.

We used to be in a long distance relationship, particularly disastrous as I was still with my ex. One time she had her suicide all planned out. Actually she had received a distressing diagnosis too at that time. I asked her permission to contact her therapist. She gave me her number and I texted her. My wife has never forgiven me for this and still brings it up. I also told my wife that she had to get better (recover from the self harming and eating disorder) if I was to give up my whole life to be with her. I was emotionally a complete mess and I knew I couldn’t cope with that on top of breaking my ex’s heart. At times my wife thanks me for saving her life. At other times she speaks of how selfish I am that I wasn’t there when she needed me (even though I was online constantly).

It’s the nature of bpd. It is important to detach from your partner’s feelings. You don’t have to agree with his feelings, especially if they are attacking you. You have to learn to take care of yourself. I know it’s very hard. For me I finally understood this after we had children: I have to learn to take care of myself, so that I can be a good role model for them. I still don’t totally feel like I deserve to be looking after myself. But it sure is comforting at times. Most people with partners can turn to their partner for support in a way that we will never be able to.

Thank you dear for your kind words. I've been doubting myself since last night and I can't get it out of my head that I was wrong in informing his flatmates. He said I put him in trouble (I don't know what he means and I don't have the courage and capacity to ask now) and I can't stop blaming myself for ruining our relationship when he was getting better. I say to myself that maybe I could let one of his flatmates know that he's better so she wouldn't put him in stress and all would be fine now, or maybe I could just keep it to myself and handle it all alone. But also I don't know if I hadn't texted his flatmate the first night, would he be here or not. It's so hard to have this mixture of feelings while I can't talk to him about it, at least right now. I'm also scared because he says he will commit suicide again once he pays his debt to his cousin, but not now, regardless of his eyes situation. I hope I can learn to take care of myself more.

[SaltyDawg]

Hi again. I'm sorry if this is too long but I would really appreciate anyone who reads this and helps me. (And before I start I would thank anyone who can give me some useful resources on how to talk to someone when they're suicidal to reduce the risk because it seems I lack this skill)

Usually someone who is threatening suicide is 'screaming for [emotional] help' as from their perspective it is the only way someone is going to help them.

He was too suicidal for 2 days. Made a will, said goodbye to friends, even managed the way he wanted to die. And as we're in a long distance relationship, I couldn't to anything but to inform his flatmates.

This is typical for someone who is very serious about wanting to commit suicide, they will also often box their stuff up, as they don't want to trouble those around them with all of this planning [e.g. the will, saying goodbye, specifying how they want to die, etc.]  This is exceptionally alarming.

Late at night he got better finally and less suicidal. But he found out that I had texted J. I didn't know that J would be triggered and actually break up, all that I was thinking at that moment was to keep my partner alive and safe. He got very mad, broke things in the house and blocked me for the whole night.

You did the right thing.  He is upset that you notified others, so his anger is directed at you.  If he cares for you, this behavior will pass with the passage of time.  However, since it is a 'poly' situation, there are other influences on your partner that may prevent this as you have shared.  You are in a tough and difficult spot.

My daughter was killing herself [technically committing suicide] with anorexia nervosa as was at a lethal level BMI when I "imprisoned her" [her words, not mine] for months in a mental health hospital. She hated me for it, she wouldn't talk to me, she absolutely loathed me for it at the time.  That was 3 years ago.  Today, we hug, we laugh, we exercise together, we have deep conversations from time to time; however, there is still a lot of resentment towards me.  I have my daughter, she is alive, and physically she is thriving the alternative if I did nothing would have most certainly been death.

My choices were having a living daughter who hated me, or a dead daughter who would never grow up.  That's a very tough place to be.  You did the 'right' thing, even though it is causing you a tremendous amount of pain.

This site has a section for suicidal persons:  https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info3.htm

I think that this site has some great tips [even though it is not for your country] to talking long distance to someone who is considering suicide that I got from a Google search:

https://afsp.org/story/if-someone-tells-you-they-re-thinking-about-suicide-a-realconvo-guide-from-afsp

Tips for the flatmates:  https://afsp.org/what-to-do-when-someone-is-at-risk

I will wrap this up, with my number one piece of advice, and that is to do 'self-care' - make sure it includes individual therapy [find a source, including here, if you family is preventing this], exercise outdoors [as simple as a walk], among other activities that you enjoy doing to recharge your spirit.

Take care, ask more questions, I find it to be good therapy to write out what I am feelings.

[Bella2798]

Usually someone who is threatening suicide is 'screaming for [emotional] help' as from their perspective it is the only way someone is going to help them.

This is typical for someone who is very serious about wanting to commit suicide, they will also often box their stuff up, as they don't want to trouble those around them with all of this planning [e.g. the will, saying goodbye, specifying how they want to die, etc.]  This is exceptionally alarming.

You did the right thing.  He is upset that you notified others, so his anger is directed at you.  If he cares for you, this behavior will pass with the passage of time.  However, since it is a 'poly' situation, there are other influences on your partner that may prevent this as you have shared.  You are in a tough and difficult spot.

My daughter was killing herself [technically committing suicide] with anorexia nervosa as was at a lethal level BMI when I "imprisoned her" [her words, not mine] for months in a mental health hospital. She hated me for it, she wouldn't talk to me, she absolutely loathed me for it at the time.  That was 3 years ago.  Today, we hug, we laugh, we exercise together, we have deep conversations from time to time; however, there is still a lot of resentment towards me.  I have my daughter, she is alive, and physically she is thriving the alternative if I did nothing would have most certainly been death.

My choices were having a living daughter who hated me, or a dead daughter who would never grow up.  That's a very tough place to be.  You did the 'right' thing, even though it is causing you a tremendous amount of pain.

This site has a section for suicidal persons:  https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info3.htm

I think that this site has some great tips [even though it is not for your country] to talking long distance to someone who is considering suicide that I got from a Google search:

https://afsp.org/story/if-someone-tells-you-they-re-thinking-about-suicide-a-realconvo-guide-from-afsp

Tips for the flatmates:  https://afsp.org/what-to-do-when-someone-is-at-risk

I will wrap this up, with my number one piece of advice, and that is to do 'self-care' - make sure it includes individual therapy [find a source, including here, if you family is preventing this], exercise outdoors [as simple as a walk], among other activities that you enjoy doing to recharge your spirit.

Take care, ask more questions, I find it to be good therapy to write out what I am feelings.

Your daughter is lucky to have a father like you. Thanks for all the suggestions, I took a look at them. I don't know if this is a result of the situation I'm in or a reality, but I think his situation is way more complicated and serious that I've ever seen. He says I've put him in pain while he could be dead and in peace now. And he said he still wanted to commit suicide when he felt better, only because he was thinking that he's going to die peacefully. And he told me that once his debt is paid to his cousin he'll commit suicide again.
I've tried to convince him to get professional help but he refused hard. He says no therapy can give him back his face, hair and eyes, and death is his only way to reach peace.
I think his mental state has a direct effect on his physical problems, but he says he has tried it before with no success (and I agree but I think that was because they diagnosed him with only depression, not BPD).
I think I need professional help to help him but I don't see that option available for me right now, and I feel too helpless.

[SaltyDawg]

It is always more complicated than what someone tells you.

If you are talking to him right now, just be there to listen to him.  Validate his feelings, you don't have to agree with his feelings, just tell him that you hear him and understand what he is feelings.  Encourage him to get help, and if you can communicate with his flat mates, do the same with them.

Also, know the following:

Say to yourself:

I did not cause it.

I cannot control it.

I cannot cure it.

www.margalistherapy.com/articles/borderline-and-narcissism-issues/handbook-for-dealing-with-a-bp-np/

Please do self-care and take care.

[Bella2798]

It is always more complicated than what someone tells you.

If you are talking to him right now, just be there to listen to him.  Validate his feelings, you don't have to agree with his feelings, just tell him that you hear him and understand what he is feelings.  Encourage him to get help, and if you can communicate with his flat mates, do the same with them.

Also, know the following:

www.margalistherapy.com/articles/borderline-and-narcissism-issues/handbook-for-dealing-with-a-bp-np/

Please do self-care and take care.

Actually J won't answer me. He has left the house since the first day and the other flatmate blocked me that night the fight happened. They seem to care but not that much to keep an eye on him. I know it's not their responsibility, but I think they don't want to be pushed into the situation.
Thanks a lot again, I'll try my best.