Hi again SusKellet42;
Thank you for the reply.
My daughter turns 18 at the end of the summer, and my son is 14. I have an incredible husband and really supportive parents, but my parents live out of town. My brother-in-law is in town and also really supportive. NO FRIENDS know about this, however. I guess we all feel a level of shame and still shock? Is that possible after this many years?
I also have a great therapist that I go to from time to time who is phenomenal.
No one has taken sides, everybody who knows just feels badly and doesn't know what to do. Except my mom when there's an incident - she gets mad and protective over me, but then she calms down. She loves her granddaughter.
That's good to hear that your H, BIL, and parents are supportive. It also makes sense that you don't necessarily bring it up with friends. People who don't see the traits and behaviors frequently don't always understand how serious and impactful it is. Like you said, your D17 can be so charming, and that's probably what people in more distant relationships with her see. The disorder of BPD often shows up more strongly the closer the relationship is... so yeah, you and your family are getting hammered.
It's very possible to continue to feel shame and shock. In a way, because the trauma and chaos and unpredictability of BPD have been ongoing for you guys over the years, you've never really had an "end" to the traumatic experience. It just keeps going. So it's not like surviving an earthquake, or car accident, etc, where there was a definitive end to the traumatic experience, and you can process it from beginning to end. I know that what I experience from dealing with my H's kids' mom (many BPD traits) and stepdad (many NPD traits) is a sense of ongoing trauma -- their toxicity continues to bleed over into my life, and as long as we are coparenting (the kids aren't adults yet), I cannot stop it. There is no endpoint yet to their intrusion. So, I find myself hypervigilant, and counting down to when both kids are over 18.
Your mom's response sounds natural, yet it's good that she loves your D17, too, and isn't ultimately taking sides.
How is your D17's relationship with her? How about with other family members?
And has D17 made any comments about college/job plans, moving out, etc? Does she have motivation to strike out on her own, or live elsewhere?
Coming up with a transition plan for having her live elsewhere could be positive for both of you. Having more distance in the relationship has helped some parents with BPD children -- if there's a family member she gets along with okay, maybe she could live there when she turns 18. Or, if she's motivated to go to college, that could provide more space, too.
It is OK to reach the end of a season with parenting your child, and transition to being the parent of a young adult child. Your role in her life will change, and may be less involved. She may live elsewhere. You may decide to redirect a lot of the effort and energy you'd devoted to her, to your son, and that can be a normal thing that happens in many families.
Or, if she is cooperative enough, and given that right now she's still a minor, you may look into more intensive treatment programs.
Lots of directions to go, all of which can be OK.
Glad to hear, too, that you have a good therapist -- that makes a huge difference! Was your T one of the professionals who suspected your D had BPD?
-kells76
