Hey WDIDW, I want to join in the rest to welcome you to the group. Really glad you reached out for some perspective.
This part of your reply stood out to me:
She was living with her abusive ex... he refused to move and so did she. I moved her in to get her away from him. She used to say "I need this relationship to work" when nothing was even wrong..
The new bf is her old FWB
Borderline Personality Disorder can impact sufferers' perspectives, thoughts, and beliefs, in a way where what they
feel is the basis for what they
think is true -- the common "feelings equal facts" phrase. This is typically the opposite of how "generally normal" people think, believe, and perceive -- first they take in the facts, then they have some feelings about those facts. "Ugh, it's raining outside -- now I feel down because I wanted nicer weather". Versus a pwBPD: "Ugh, I feel down. Therefore, it must be raining outside"
It is possible that because your ex's BPD impacts her ability to separate her feelings from the facts of what happened, then if she feels sad, down, or abandoned after a breakup with her ex, those feelings color how she sees and talks about him. "If I feel profoundly sad and hurt, then he must have done something profoundly hurtful to me -- therefore he must have been abusive".
Without knowing more about that situation (i.e., yes, perhaps he was abusive), it's possible that she "painted him black" to herself... and to you. Who wouldn't want to "rescue" a "victim" from an "abusive relationship"?
Check out our Q&A on
Splitting: Painted black and
BEHAVIORS: Splitting, and let us know if those resonate with you and your situation.
Let us know how you're doing -- we're here for you;
kells76
