Advice required

[Megan24]

 

Hi,

I haven't posted for a very long time - but I am feeling so drained and defeated.

My partner of ten plus years has BPD. We are in a constant cycle of conflict and negativity. Typical of many of the posts here, our relationship is up and down. My partner acknowledges her BPD but believes she can manage it. I disagree but have accepted that this will not change.

My partner has decided that I am a narcissist and therefore the cause of our relationship problems. I read information about narcissism and saw aspects of myself in the description, though I suspect that many people would find aspects of themselves in the description, as they may in other mental health issues. I completed a few online surveys and they indicated negligible, to mild symptoms. I am not dismissing it as an issue, but she has decided that without a shadow of doubt, I am a full-blown narcissist. She believes I targeted her and that her BPD made her the perfect victim for my 'narcissism'.

Now, every time something happens, it will my 'perceived narcissism' that is the cause. She said I can never own up to anything. I said that if it's not the truth, I am not going to say it's the truth. She is adamant that I have had an affair since being with her and nothing I say will convince her otherwise. In her head I am lying and this just reinforces the narcissism tag she has attached to me. The truth is, I have been completely faithful to her. To her, all her memories of things said and done are accurate, and if I deny or argue any, I am the liar. Her memory is the only accurate memory.

She hit me across the face yesterday and my immediate response (wrongly so) was to hit back. She kept hitting me, so I stopped. She said to me, you can't reason with someone in a psychotic state (which I know, on a logical level), but she keeps asking questions that require a reasoned response. I feel I am in a no-win situation. So yes, I do shut down because if I don't shut down, I will get emotional and cry. If I do this, that triggers her even more. If I shut down, that's a narcissistic thing to do. My depression is really bad right now because there are so many ups and downs (for a range of reasons) - that is a characteristic of narcissism, she argues. Everything I do from this point on will be my narcissism at play. I can see where this is heading, and it makes me feel sick.

As an example, we went to browse around shops (quite a while back) and I saw two items I liked so I bought them. Because I did this so quickly, she immediately decided that I was buying something for a love interest. Saying I bought the items for myself was a useless exercise and she raged for the next few hours about it. In her mind everything she believes to be true, is true.

I guess, what I am asking is, is it a common thing for a BPD person to make you feel like you are the one with the mental health issue? To her, she is now the victim, not me. It is me that stirs her BPD and that I enjoy the consequences of her rage and psychosis.

Advice would be most welcome. She works incredibly hard, she does a lot for me - she has some wonderful attributes, but when we have weekends such as the one we have just had, it's hard to see the good (even though I know it exists). Obviously, there is a lot more happening in our relationship, but this an emerging issue that is really de-stabilising me and I would appreciate advice. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[thankful person]

Hi Megan,
I haven’t really figured this out but I just wanted to say, yes my dbpdw has also accused me of being a narcissist and also of having bpd, (which she considers herself cured from, having recovered from self harm and an eating disorder). I can also relate to narcissism, though I am not the selfish and uncaring person my wife thinks I am. But am I a narcissist, do I think I’m better than other people? What I am is a caretaker. And I happen to think that caretakers are the best people on the planet (that’s why I love bpd family so much). So do I think I’m better than other people? In that way, yes.

[Emaanbillah]

Hi Megan,

Sorry that you are going such a difficult time. Living with a BPD spouses can have you questioning your own reality and wondering about disordered personality traits within yourself.

I myself sought the help of a therapist as a neutral third party to help me identify if I actually have those personality traits or not. One thing necessary would be blunt honesty with the therapist that can help them distinguish personality trait vs trauma response. It also would help if your T has lot of  experience with personality disorders.

[Outdorenthusiast]

Hi Megan,

It is normal to be in a weird sense of what you are feeling.  Yes as others have shared - a therapist can help you figure out what is true and what is not. 

Some thoughts - taking care of yourself, having things you like and don’t like, being confident are not narcissistic - this is normal.  Controlling others emotionally and being manipulative - this is not healthy.  Check some of the symptoms of co-dependency as this can begin to manifest under distress even in the healthiest of people when in an abusive situation like BPD.  Melanie Beaty’s book “co-dependency no more” was a good read for me.  Although I am not habitually co-dependent - the constant emotional stress caused me to develop those tendencies and I was able to unlearn them.  Some codependent controlling characteristics can come across as narcissistic - maybe this is what you are picking up on.  Worth a shot to download on a kindle app.

Separately, it is very normal for a BPD person to project their insecurities onto someone else and blame someone else.  Be caring and empathetic, and validating with her viewpoints, but also confident in yourself, and keep yourself happy.  Narcissists are not empathetic, they only care for themselves and are invalidating.  The S.E.T. Technique will help you be more validating if you struggle with making her “feel” you care about her emotions.

Keep talking, many here have gone through the same things you are going through.

[Megan24]

Thank you for the advice. I am very aware of co-dependency and am attuned to where I may be fitting into this negative cycle. Today, I have been completing so many online tests for narcissism and, as I said earlier, I have some traits (that concern me) but, in essence, I don't believe I am narcissistic. She sees me as non-empathetic, yet others turn to me for advice and support. I am an insecure person (significant childhood sexual trauma which, by the way, she sees as the cause of my narcissism), so I struggle with conflict, both verbal and physical. When we wake up on a weekend, I can be pretty-well assured that it will take several hours to get out of bed because she will need to talk about how traumatic her week has been. If I say I am feeling depressed, it will be usually met with, 'oh well, you couldn't be any worse than how I am feeling'. I can listen for a certain length of time, but it becomes draining. Invariably we go through the same cycle of issues and the same things that have been brought up for the past ten or more years, eventually resurface. When I say, we can't change what has passed, she says she wants an apology from me, and she will keep bringing up the issues until they are resolved to her satisfaction. She says the most horrible things to me - I am ugly, obese, old, weak, a target etc.

I will see a therapist but, having read a letter her previous partner wrote to her, I am guessing I have not been alone in feeling overwhelmed and violated by her treatment and behaviours. She can be a kind, caring and loving person but her preceptions are so often in total contrast to how I see and remember things. As I said earlier, I have spent most of today agonising over her assessment of me. If I accept any fault (and I know a relationship is a two-way street in terms of how it plays out), that will lead to a further detailed and exhaustive analysis of this 'fault' in regard to me.

I truly appreciate the advice I have been offered. I am not perfect (I have lived with depression and trauma for most of my life, so I know it impacts my current life), but I am not willing to accept that this all about me and that she is now the victim. Black eyes, bruised body, teeth punched resulting in an abyss and the eventual removal of a front tooth aren't things I have done to her. Yes, my experiences have probably made me someone not capable (or less capable) of being the advocate she needs, but I still believe there is some hope if we can move past this. 

[Smedley Butler]

My partner has decided that I am a narcissist and therefore the cause of our relationship problems. I read information about narcissism and saw aspects of myself in the description, though I suspect that many people would find aspects of themselves in the description, as they may in other mental health issues. I completed a few online surveys and they indicated negligible, to mild symptoms. I am not dismissing it as an issue, but she has decided that without a shadow of doubt, I am a full-blown narcissist. She believes I targeted her and that her BPD made her the perfect victim for my 'narcissism'.

Now, every time something happens, it will my 'perceived narcissism' that is the cause. She said I can never own up to anything. I said that if it's not the truth, I am not going to say it's the truth. ... To her, all her memories of things said and done are accurate, and if I deny or argue any, I am the liar. Her memory is the only accurate memory

Today, I have been completing so many online tests for narcissism and, as I said earlier, I have some traits (that concern me) but, in essence, I don't believe I am narcissistic. She sees me as non-empathetic, yet others turn to me for advice and support.

holy smokes this could be me talking.  my wife hasnt been diagnosed with BPD to my knowledge, and I havent brought it up to her, so our situations arent exactly the same.  i dont have any bad trauma in my history or anything like that really either.  but your description of being labeled as a narcissist and then framing every single argument, feeling, emotion, and memory through that lense is EXACTLY what my wife does.  any denial that i am anything short of an evil narcissist hell bent on destroying her is merely used as confirmation of my narcissism.  

I've even sat there completing online tests like you and then second guessed my own answers because I think to myself "well a narcissist probably wouldnt answer these honestly, so maybe i AM a narcissist!"  i've even called old friends that have known me my whole life and tried to get them to give me some objective psychoanalysis. 

it is MADDENING.  i feel like i'm losing my mind.  and i'm generally pretty emotionally stable. 

[Megan24]

 

Thank you for your heartfelt reply. It made me feel so much better. The second-guessing yourself was so spot on. I completed more online surveys yesterday, albeit acknowledging that these surveys aren't a reliable source of diagnosis. I still kept falling into the minimal or low category for narcissism. I then looked up counsellors/psychologists who specialise in working with people with personality disorders. I am after a more mature aged specialist, which is easier said than done.

My partner has spent the last two days looking up every bit of information she can find on narcissism and then sent me a voice message outlining what a fool she had been hooking up with me. She sees herself as an expert in diagnosing mental health issues and constantly wants to label everyone she does not like as having a disorder, my children included. It is draining to extremes. I am exhausted, as must she. I have no doubt being in her head is incredibly difficult. I can see the pain in her eyes. 

[Smedley Butler]

I obviously dont know you at all, but I'll say to you what several people have said to me about this phenomenon.  A true narcissist wouldnt spend hours trying to diagnose their own disorders and stressing over it.  My guess is that you, like me, are being subjected to projection and some pretty significant psychological abuse. 

But then again, what do I know?  I'm a narcissist. 

[Megan24]

HI

That's a good point about spending hours investigating whether I am or am not narcissistic. 

Again, I have been on the internet, constantly thinking, is this me. Has my childhood abuse been a precursor to my 'perceived narcissism'? Am I the person she thinks I am? I do know, at this point, that she sees herself as the victim and that will not change. She obsesses when diagnosing the personality disorders of others. She is on the internet constantly, with every bit of new information validating her perception of me. How do I know she's doing this? She sends me audio messages telling me about her revelations. Obviously, to me, it seems that her BPD pales into the background and has no impact on the information she is gathering. She can hold on to things for years and years - never lets them go.

I spoke to a psychologist yesterday and am organising an assessment of my personality to assure myself that I am or am not a narcissist. He assured me that narcissism exists on a spectrum and that we all, at times, exist on this spectrum (all of the time or some of the time). I know my BPD partner will boo-hoo any findings from this assessment, but I need to do this for myself...not that I will tell her I am doing it - that would cause even more friction. Someone, in a previous response to my post, asked me to consider whether my behaviours may be a trauma response...I am holding on to this. If it turns out that I am on this spectrum, I will have to navigate this as it unfolds.

[Outdorenthusiast]

I also went through a phase of “is it me- am I a narcissist?”  However, I figured out due to stressful relationship - I had developed codependent characteristics.  I highly encourage Melody Beattie’s Book Co-Dependent No-More.  There are many side effects that are not good and make the pwBPD worse and react that way.  You can un-learned the characteristics.  Here is an excerpt:

Controlling
Many codependents:
1) have lived through events and with people that were out of control, causing the codependents sorrow and disappointment.
2) become afraid to let other people be who they are and allow events to happen naturally.
3) don’t see or deal with their fear of loss of control.
4) think they know best how things should turn out and how people should behave.
5) try to control events and people through helplessness, guilt, coercion, threats, advice-giving, manipulation, or domination.
6) eventually fail in their efforts or provoke people’s anger.
7) get frustrated and angry. feel controlled by events and people.

There are many more negative side effects - but this one resonates the most with being similar to narcissism- but doesn’t make you a narcissist. 

Non-BPD’s like us care.  Sometimes too much - and become trauma bonded.  Then our natural survival skills kick in and try to “fix” the problem.  WE can’t fix them.  THEY have to fix themselves.  My pwBPD stopped blaming me after I changed and stopped trying to fix her and the chaos of her life.  I let her sit in her messes - figuratively and literally.  She still points to me every once in a while, but it is rare now.