I have struggled with a lot of confusion since being with my husband. He is so unpredictable and I tend to want to keep him happy, walking on eggshells.
We started couples counseling last week and it felt like a train wreck for me. It was so hard to gather my thoughts and accurately describe what it’s like for me, all while trying not to step on my husbands toes or say something I will regret later. I mean, I was so overcome by anxiety I could hardly speak.
I need to do better, for my own sake and for his, but I’m struggling with this confusion, as well as extreme anxiety and even fear of his emotional abuse that will come if I’m honest.
I'm sorry you're going through all of this, Itisi. Here's what works for me:
- Meditation. Once my wife got diagnosed with BPD many years ago, I began meditating more and more. Setting aside space to quiet the mind and focus squarely on the breath for 10, 15, or 30 minutes a day helps me keep my balance whenever the poo hits the fan. I've found that if I don't carve out this space to meditate, I'm ill-equipped to handle her mood swings and get carried along with them into the abyss. Even 5 minutes in the morning in the bathroom with the door closed helps!
- Yoga. Just like meditation, dropping into the body for some stretching not only grounds me but also calms my energy. Any exercise where we don't think seems to help.
- Going for a walk. When the anxiety is too much, walking in the forest and listening to the birds (and not my mind) is wonderfully beneficial to settle myself.
I think finding space to quiet your mind - through meditation, prayer, walking through the woods, exercise, etc. - is paramount to handling the difficult moments that inevitably come when dealing with somebody who is generally unbalanced. We can't predict how our pwBPD will react to anything but we can make sure we aren't out of whack.
Also, maybe writing down what you want to say with bullet points before a session might be helpful. We're all here for you and supporting you, my friend.
Uncle
