Maddening

[uncleflo]

Vent time…

One of the most maddening experiences I’ve had lately is hearing my pwBPD say, “I’ve spent my WHOLE life taking care of everybody else and now it’s time to focus on ME.” Why is this maddening? I’ve spent the last 20+ years caring for HER and her issues, cleaning up her messes, encouraging her writing career, helping her with lawyers, buying her small gifts, cleaning the house, providing for our family when she lost her job, and adjusting to her ever-shifting needs. BPD is, from my perspective, one of the most selfish disorders on the market. For example, after being charged with a sex crime, she decided she needed to focus on *not* being sexual, which I was in full support of. I encouraged her to go see a therapist to work through her childhood abuse and told her I wouldn't put any pressure on her during this time. I legitimately wanted her to get a hold of it and still do. On social media, she made posts about how I was her rock, so romantic, so loving, and the most supportive husband she could have ever asked for. Fast forward to now, she says, "You never touched me, rubbed me, or gave enough attention the last few years. We're not husband and wife; we're companions." What the…  

Are BPDs ever capable of seeing what others have done for them? I don't think so. When was she not focusing on herself? Again, what the…  

Okay. Thanks for letting me vent. Now to go back to being a monk.  

Uncle

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[cranmango]

Are BPDs ever capable of seeing what others have done for them? I don't think so. When was she not focusing on herself? Again, what the… 

Maddening indeed. I’ve wrestled with this a lot as I’ve reflected on my relationship with my uBPDex. Mine has such deeply ingrained shame. “Thank you” and “I’m sorry” do not come naturally to her. Me taking care of her mostly made her feel guilty, and would lead to her lashing out. Pretty messed up dynamic, in hindsight.

The shame, self-focus, and projection in BPD make it so hard to understand what’s going on. One possibility is that your pwBPD is really saying “other people have been taking care of me for a long time. I feel really guilty about it, and I want to try taking care of myself.”

On the other hand, they may truly be oblivious to all that you (and others) have done, because they are so focused on their *own* feelings…

[Bella2798]

Now it's time to focus on ME.

Such a familiar sentence. I've heard this from my partner in different forms many times. I guess that can come from the feeling that they're vulnerable to their loved ones, so they feel the urge to protect themselves and by behaving so (or telling such sentences out loud) they feel more mature, more of an adult. They can cope with their immature, hurt inner child with this method. Also, I guess they feel guilt/shame because they know they NEED some other people to take care of them, so they probably are willing to take their own responsibility but they don't know how. Their inner child is acting like an adult.

I hope this doesn't seem like lecturing. It's good (and sad) to see I'm not the only one hearing such stuff, so this was more of a thinking out loud. :-)

[Smedley Butler]

“I’ve spent my WHOLE life taking care of everybody else and now it’s time to focus on ME.”

two weeks ago my wife told me that she felt like our entire marriage had been focusing on what I want and what serves me.  i just stood there dumbfounded.  it is like the exact opposite of reality.  other than decisions made regarding my job, virtually everything has been what SHE wanted.  maddening is the exact word i've used probably a thousand times to describe the relationship with my wife. 

everything we do as a family is centered around my wife, her feelings, what she wants, and how she will react to something.  EVERYTHING.  and then i am accused of being selfish and controlling. 

MADDENING.

[thankful person]

Yes it’s maddening here too. I’ve absolutely had enough today. I’m so grateful for bpd family to know that you’re all out there somewhere having similar struggles.