Is this whole relationship going to be me putting out their fires?

[synthezoiid]

Heya, first time posting here, just recently found this community. Sorry, this is likely to be a bit of a jumble and stream of consciousness because I have a lot of thoughts to try and sort through.

I recently began dating someone that I share a hobby with. I knew about his cluster of diagnoses (BPD, bipolar, paranoid schizophrenia, ADHD) before getting into the relationship; I knew they weighed heavily on him and affected an enormous part of his life, but I don't think I fully understood what I was getting into. Admittedly our relationship has moved pretty quickly: he was facing homelessness and moved cross-country to live with me to avoid that after only a few months of dating.

Gearing up to him moving, there seemed to be a crisis every day, but at the time it seemed like it was largely outside factors. He was kicked out of his home by an abusive family member (not his fault), his one friend in the area was unwilling to help (seemingly not his fault), his new psychiatrist took him off his prior meds that had been helping him (not his fault). It seemed like just a string of really bad, PLEASE READty luck. He was understandably overwhelmed at the isolation and suicidal as a result. I spent a lot of time over a month and a half talking him through his panic attacks and bouts of suicidal ideation. I didn't mind it, but I made it clear that it wasn't something I could maintain long term because it was exhausting and extremely stressful.

My rationale was that once he was living here with me and had a stable environment to begin to recover, things would start to improve. He'd have friends here and people who cared about him, and I could better help him through the day to day stressors of living (cooking, cleaning, etc). I knew simply being here wasn't going to "fix" him, just that it'd give him a fighting chance to begin to work on the deeper issues. I'm ND myself, so I realize this sort of thing is a lifelong fight. But surely without so many severe outside stressors things will begin to improve, right?

So far that hasn't proven to be the case. Granted, he only moved in about 3 weeks ago, so I know I haven't been altogether patient (I'm emotionally exhausted and going through my own issues as well) but I'm still having to run around multiple times a week to try and put out his fires. He's panicking about everything, and his paranoia often has him convinced that people have it out for him (he told me he *knew* that the pharmacist was laughing at him and refusing to apply his insurance because they knew he was trans [they didn't know that, I assure you]), and I am the only one that is able to get through to him about these things. 

Since this is a fairly recent relationship and we are newly living together, there are the usual growing pains, you know? Mostly minor things that you have a discussion about, find a compromise, and move on. But having those talks with him are like pulling teeth. I have to word anything remotely resembling criticism with the utmost care lest he misconstrue it and shut down, fixating on one thing that I didn't really say. We had a disagreement yesterday and I had to explain the same thing to him in five different ways before he could understand what I was ACTUALLY saying.

I'm trying so hard to be patient. I know he's adjusting to some new meds and he's missing some other meds that he relies on. He is getting used to living in a new place and the routines we have. Even with consideration of his long-term diagnoses he's not at 100% and that is, very legitimately, not his fault. I know that he is trying, and I know he feels terribly that his mental state is affecting mine.

I guess right now I'm just worried that this sort of pattern is going to be forever. That even once the outside stressors are sorted out and gone, I'm still going to have to spend an inordinate amount of time being "Mr. Fix-It." Logically I guess I know that, to some degree, that is likely to always be the case. That seems to be the M.O. of personality disorders like this, right?

So if that's the case, how do I keep myself from burning out and/or lashing out once my patience starts to run out? He doesn't deserve backlash from me and I don't want to hurt him, but when I'm emotionally tapped I can be pretty short and brusque. Basically I want to help fortify myself to *prevent* issues before they begin, as much as possible. Any exercises, any essays, any ideas to help preserve my patience and maybe allow for a better perspective, would be incredibly appreciated. But if nothing else, I finally got to verbalize some of the stresses I've been internalizing these past few months, which is a help in its own right.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the site.  You'll find friends here that understand since we've all walked this path and faced similar challenges.  Everyone's story here is unique but so similar at the same time.  I'm very sorry you're going through this.

As with any new members here, the advice is to read through the sticky topics and the links at the top of the page.  That gives you a baseline of information on how to better communicate and express yourself without triggering your boyfriend.  It's a learning process with tons of trial and error, and it's common for the loved ones of a BPD individual to feel like they have to be perfect in order for that to work. 

Don't fall into that mentality though, I'm not perfect nor is anyone else.  You'll make mistakes and that's perfectly okay.

I'm a newer member so I'll save the deeper advice for others, but I'll start by saying that your boyfriend's "problems" have nothing to do with you.  As you pointed out, they were happening before he arrived and they'll be there until he finds the right therapist and really wants to make positive changes in his life.  In other words, you can't "fix this" or "say the right thing" to make everything okay.  This journey is about him and him alone, he needs to make positive changes that will help him regulate his emotions.

What can you do?  Become a bookworm and study up.  Check out "Stop Walking on Eggshells, 3rd Edition" from Amazon or your local bookstore.  The more understanding you gain, the more you can show compassion when things aren't fair and you feel alone in your struggle. 

Also, avoid the caretaking role as much as possible.  You can be there for him, but you have to live your own life first.  That means continue talking to friends and having healthy relationships, activities, etc.  Don't get sucked into the thought process that this is your responsibility to fix...it is not.  I have a wife and a daughter with BPD and both of them spiraled out of control.  We did everything possible to help but at the end of the day, they needed to want to change, to grow.

One last tidbit, please post here as much as you want.  If you have a bad day, vent away here.  We understand and we vent a whole lot too at times.  You'll find love and empathy here because the outside world has no idea how draining this can be to us, how bad things sometimes get behind closed doors.  This is a safe place though to ask questions and find guidance.

There may be some here that say you've only been dating a few months- run away!  That was my first thought, but it's not constructive for your objectives here.  I will say once again though not to get sucked in, his mental instability is not a "you problem".  Don't become his caretaker and don't put out his fires.  You'll also need to work on some healthy boundaries of your own, what's acceptable and what's not.

Good luck- we are all rooting for you!  Most here are part-time members, but more posts will trickle in over the next few days.  Just know that you're not alone in this.

[thankful person]

Hi synthezoid and welcome! Pook has done a really good intro for you. Yes to an extent your partner may never change, however there are many things you can do differently which will make things easier for you both in the long run. It’s a good thing that you’ve come upon the group early on in your relationship, not having always put up with and becoming part of dysfunctional behaviour patterns for years on end. Sometimes I do feel a bit envious of people who are not so enmeshed in the relationship that they can’t walk away. However I think when we caretakers meet such a person, it can be near impossible to ever walk away. They need us and we need them it seems. The best book I read was, Stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist. It was absolutely life-changing along with dear friends on here who have helped me so much. I hope things improve for you soon. I used the forum so much when I was working through changing things and taking back much of the power I had lost over the years.

[waverider]

Short answer is Yes. having someone onboard helping with their dramas is feeding their need for validation. Its the process not the end product. They want you to be fixing, not to have fixed. To use your analogy they crave fire brigade attendance and all the attendant drama that goes with it. It validates that all that is wrong with their life is caused by someone else. Their identity is that of a victim. Take away the reason for victimhood and your are stripping them of their identity, so another drama is created

I find showing compassion without actively stepping aboard the drama train as much as possible helps with your sanity. When the end of the world is nigh due to someone else's "abusive" behaviour, as it always is. Better to say "I can see how that's really hard for you" and offer them a hug, as opposed to being dragged into deep involvement as they want you to "have their back", and be dragged into the same mire.

You will never "fix" these issues and heaven help you if you try to use logic or reality to debunk them, the drama will then be directed at you. Better to let it be known your heard them, acknowledge they are affected and stay out of the line of fire until it passes. Its a drama they have to have. A symptom not a cause.

The grass wont be greener on the other side if you just fix this one issue

[Couscous]

Hi and welcome!

The short answer to your question is this: Yes, this will be your whole relationship unless you are willing to make some fairly significant changes in your own life. It may not be entirely accidental that you have found yourself in a Rescuer-Victim type relationship.

I second thankful person’s book recommendation, and in addition, I also highly recommend getting into a 12 Step recovery group such as Al-Anon, CODA or Celebrate Recovery. All the best to you!

[Cat Familiar]

People with BPD tend to have a deep reservoir of shame and self loathing. They often take the *victim* role and those of us who care for them become *rescuers* or *persecutors*. This video on the Karpman Triangle explains the dynamic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=r0b5oCWSBqU