Incorrect Events?

[86steelers50]

Hi! Jw if y'all experience your pwBPD not knowing/remembering how things happen or the order in which things happen?

My wife and I end up in arguments and it often ends with them insisting that things didn't happen the way they actually did. This leads to one of two things. 1) They just conclude that whatever I had mentioned that had bothered me that caused them to get upset in the first place must have just been a misunderstanding so I had no need to be bothered by the original thing and then acts as everything is now fine (when for me ot isn't). Or 2) They conclude that neither of us know what actually happened bc I remember it so differently than they do, so there is no point in further discussing the issue bc we will never know what actually happened.

Either way, these conclusions just lead to me still not being heard and them not having to discuss what bothers me.

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[stolencrumbs]

Hi! Jw if y'all experience your pwBPD not knowing/remembering how things happen or the order in which things happen?

My wife and I end up in arguments and it often ends with them insisting that things didn't happen the way they actually did. This leads to one of two things. 1) They just conclude that whatever I had mentioned that had bothered me that caused them to get upset in the first place must have just been a misunderstanding so I had no need to be bothered by the original thing and then acts as everything is now fine (when for me ot isn't). Or 2) They conclude that neither of us know what actually happened bc I remember it so differently than they do, so there is no point in further discussing the issue bc we will never know what actually happened.

Either way, these conclusions just lead to me still not being heard and them not having to discuss what bothers me.

Yes. I think this is pretty common with pwbpd. I was cursed with a very good memory. I can tell you in exquisite detail conversations from a decade ago. I know what I said, what she said and did, exactly what happened before and after. And her "memory" rarely matched the reality. It is frustrating.

I don't have great advice. What I would say is that you are in a special needs relationship. If your significant other was in a wheelchair, you wouldn't be upset that she doesn't take the trash out. Pwbpd tend to be bad at hearing, empathizing, and validating. There may be ways to improve this, but it's likely to always be a struggle. It may be wise to find friends, family, or other appropriate ways to get these needs met, because your pwbpd is likely to have a hard time doing this.

I suspect the "misremembering" is a way to avoid having to do this. Pwbpd often can't handle feeling like they've done something wrong, so they will adjust reality to make it so they didn't. It's definitely hard to deal with, but it is kind of the reality of these relationships.

[thankful person]

Yes I totally get this too and like stolen crumbs I remember conversations and words etc extremely well so I know when I’m right. I don’t bother arguing anymore. Another thing I have noted is that when my wife makes a random accusation, she often thinks she has believed something for years, whereas I know it had only just popped into her head because she’s never mentioned it before. I used to spend lots of time worrying about how upset she’d been over the years and kept it from me. For example, she said yesterday,, “I didn’t get that pedigree puppy because you made me feel guilty about not getting a rescue dog and we got into a massive argument about it…” Actually. The argument was about her insistence that if I was getting a rescue dog and she was getting her puppy then we should get them and introduce them the same day. I told her that was entirely inappropriate. She decided not to get the puppy because she was a full time apprentice at that time and realised she didn’t have the time needed for the dog. When she says things I find ridiculous these days, for example like about getting the dogs on the same day, I pretty much just say, “mmm”. If I know it’s not going to happen then why argue a point. As it happened, I never did get my own dog. She got a rescue dog, but he’s not suitable to get on with other dogs. I don’t mind. I adore him.

[86steelers50]

That is a very good analogy, Crumbs, about the disabled loved one.  I will have to keep telling myself that when I am tempted to reason with her.  I just have a lot of work to do personally.  I don't know if it is because she wasn't like this at all the first half of our marraige or not, I just have a hard time stopping and telling myself to let it go.  And if I do, often she gets very defensive because if I feel anything but contentment she takes it very personally (whether or not it is because of her) and insists that I keep talking about what is bothering me.  I feel bad just lying and saying that it no longer bothers me.  If she ever noticed or found out, that would be a whole 'nother battle.  I guess I just need to find a way to say that we aren't going to remember it the same and that I WILL be okay, but saying it without sounding defensive. 

Thankful, I'm sorry you didn't get the puppy! I am glad that you have one that you can spoil though. :-)  They can definitely get us through some times, just being with us.  I have a similar issue with my wife as well with pets.  We have 7, 2 dogs and 5 cats (we used to foster cats, and let me just say, NO MORE, ). Then some stray cats that are in the neighborhood were around and my wife wanted to start feeding them.  I had a conversation with her that I would buy cheap cat food so that she could feed them, BUT. The stray cats had to always be just that. I would not be paying for medical bills, we would not ever be bringing them inside.  She agreed and named them all (and the new ones that show up).  There are two that are especially friendly and she sometimes tries to convince me to bring them in (esp now that one is having kittens), but I have stuck to my boundary and stayed strong. She contacted the foster group we were with to see if they would take those 2 in, and they said they would but that they were short on fosters.  The only way they would take them into their program is if we volunteered to foster until a permanent home was found.  This means letting them live inside (stressing our pets out, me cleaning up after them, and weekly bringing them to adoption events).  I said no.  I would be doing most of the work, as she doesn't drive and is in so much pain that often I end up doing all of the work too.  That's fine, but only for OUR pets at this point.  However, sometimes one will go missing or not come back for quite a while (I mean, they are strays) or once one of the others that came around got hit by a car and we had to bury her.  Well, this leads to sometimes my wife will tell me that if anything ever happened to one of the two she wanted to foster, she would hold me personally responsible, because I did not allow her to bring them in.  Sometimes we will talk about how much that hurts me, and she will admit that she isn't being reasonable and that she knows I am not TECHNICALLY responsible, but that it is how she will feel if it happens so that is what it is.  Like Crumbs said, she special needs and I need to remember that.  But I know what you mean. It still hurts like hell.

[EZEarache]

Absolutely. I remember at the end of my relationship one particular fight. It was a little over two years ago, now, so my own recollection is a bit foggy. The gist is, I wanted to go for a hike with a friend and leave our baby with a babysitter. Initially she didn't want to go for a variety of reasons including she didn't want to pay for a babysitter. We are both fairly successful so this was not a very good reason. However, I dropped it and decided to go by myself. It was important to me that we hiked as a couple. This was really my only requirement when I was dating. Therefore, her not going was a point of contention for me.

Later, she twisted her not going around into multiple different things that were my fault from her perspective.

1) I didn't give her enough time to get a baby sitter.
    We talked about it a week before, but she immediately shot it down. There would have been plenty of time initially. My friends wife also volunteered to babysit multiple times previously so she would have done it for sure.

2) I never invited her.
     Simply wasn't true

3) She was not in good enough shape.
     Neither was I, but we had both climbed this mountain before multiple times, so I wasn't too worried about it.

At the end of the argument I ended up getting accused of gaslighting her. We broke up the day after the hike.

Distorted memory and insistence on their memory of events is a major characteristic of the BPD. It can really make you second guess your own reality, because they are so addiment about their own perception of what has transpired.

[Don Gato]

   From my extensive research in the last year I think toxic amnesia can be a symptom of anyone
in the Cluster B disorder spectrum.
These disordered people would rather re-write history, lie and distort the truth to avoid the shame, and admit they might be actually be wrong. They all take no accountability for their actions, gaslight and pull the victim card when it suits them.
Case in point my BPD/NPD ex who I had been with almost a year, lied to a judge saying she had only gone on a few dates with me, and she told me to leave her alone. I showed the judge 100's of texts of things that proved we were together over ten months. The most disturbing thing is I truly believe once she split me black, and dissociated. I think she actually believed what she was saying. I went from being [name removed], to "This man" like I was some creep stranger to her. Baffling until you really understand how these disorders work.  

Absolutely. I remember at the end of my relationship one particular fight. It was a little over two years ago, now, so my own recollection is a bit foggy. The gist is, I wanted to go for a hike with a friend and leave our baby with a babysitter. Initially she didn't want to go for a variety of reasons including she didn't want to pay for a babysitter. We are both fairly successful so this was not a very good reason. However, I dropped it and decided to go by myself. It was important to me that we hiked as a couple. This was really my only requirement when I was dating. Therefore, her not going was a point of contention for me.

Later, she twisted her not going around into multiple different things that were my fault from her perspective.

1) I didn't give her enough time to get a baby sitter.
    We talked about it a week before, but she immediately shot it down. There would have been plenty of time initially. My friends wife also volunteered to babysit multiple times previously so she would have done it for sure.

2) I never invited her.
     Simply wasn't true

3) She was not in good enough shape.
     Neither was I, but we had both climbed this mountain before multiple times, so I wasn't too worried about it.

At the end of the argument I ended up getting accused of gaslighting her. We broke up the day after the hike.

Distorted memory and insistence on their memory of events is a major characteristic of the BPD. It can really make you second guess your own reality, because they are so addiment about their own perception of what has transpired.