when they use silence during an argument as a form of control

[thepixies21]

Hey all, it's been a little bit since I've written, just taking some time to hear my own thoughts and plan for next steps. My BPDh is currently undergoing TMS treatment and starting new medications, so I've decided to tell him my plans for divorce once TMS is done, hoping he will be in the best place he can be before we start the process. I've been working with my therapist a lot lately to work through my own feelings and emotions about the process, and it's been really helpful. I'm finally feeling like I'm in a place where I am starting to feel emotionally okay with this plan, and hopefully it gets better.

But one thing I'm thinking about is how he will use these very long pauses in an argument in such a way that it makes me feel like it's a way to take control. It fills me with so much dread when it happens. For example, if I give him news he doesn't want to hear, he won't respond, he'll just stare off for 5-10 minutes at a time, and I'm just sitting there waiting for the response. Just thinking about this happening now fills me with so much anxiety, I hate sitting with the unknowns, feeling like he wants me to just stay and feel the tension. I've tried asking him if he needs space, and telling him I'll come back when he's ready to talk since it looks like he's processing what I said, but it doesn't help. He will either not say anything or just says very little. I literally can't tolerate the stress, so I'm thinking my best course of action is just to tell him that I am feeling very anxious by the silence, so I'm going to take care of myself until he's ready to talk, and he can come find me when I'm ready. Has anyone else experienced this? Let me know if you have any other feedback for how you'd handle it. I'm just anticipating all the things that are going to make the divorce step challenging, and I think this behavior, oddly enough, makes me feel worse than a full on argument with yelling. I'm working on ways I can chill out after it happens, but I think it will just mostly involve me getting away to breathe, think and calm down.

[NarcsEverywhere]

You’ve gotta do what works for you, but the silent treatment is a form of manipulation to get you to chase, had it happen with lots of people like this. As long as you don’t do that it’s a plus.  

With my Dad who I stuck up to today really hard, I basically gave him the smack down for neglecting things and acting helpless as a form of control. Which is hard, but always another option, I basically said what I won’t put up with and walked away.

So basically the more confident in your belief that what you say is right, and in your own abilities,, and that you can handle whatever consequences happen, the more you can deal with unknowns, and the more ease you’ll have.

Rest easy in your plan, in your rights, in your counselor as both support and validation of your decision, and yourself. You deserve a better life, not that.

[livednlearned]

I'm just anticipating all the things that are going to make the divorce step challenging, and I think this behavior, oddly enough, makes me feel worse than a full on argument with yelling.

My ex did this. I would try to repair or recover from something, or try to get a conversation going about something, and he would go total radio silence. Sometimes a dead stare dripping with contempt.

In Patricia Evan's book Verbal Abuse she talks about how the silent treatment is the worst form of verbal abuse because it makes you feel erased. It is the cruelest form of invalidation, you aren't even worth talking to.

I didn't discover a lot of this until I was out of the relationship, but I have a colleague who does a version of this and what I do is fill the silence so there's no erasing happening and there is no satisfaction gained because I am not suffering (to send the signal that silent treatment isn't a behavior that's effective with me).

It doesn't make the situation easier necessarily, since silent treatment can be aggressive behavior, not to mention awkward. It's more about removing payoff for bad behavior.  

I guess the other piece here is how you tell him in a way where you're taking care of yourself.

Just brainstorming aloud here, thinking about the ways BPD and codependent dynamics tend to play out. How about something like:

"This isn't working. I'm learning that I'm not cut out for caretaking. It's what I did as a kid, and I've done it with you, and the next chapter in my life is about figuring out who I am when I'm not taking care of people. This is probably a lot to drop and I know it's going to take time to process -- I can give you lots of space to work through this, I know you like to reflect in quiet. My things are packed and I'll be staying at xyz. Reach out to me when you feel ready and we can talk about next steps. You have this great therapist, it's best to reach out to her/him if you need emotional support because I'm pretty overwhelmed myself and can't provide a whole lot of caretaking, since I need a lot myself right now. You know how to reach me when you're ready to talk about where we go from here."

Something like that, but in your words?

I highly recommend having a refrain you can keep returning to, something like, "I am not cut out for caretaking." "I am really not cut out for caretaking." "I am really, really not cut out for caretaking."

It's about you, it's your truth, it's expressing your limits, it was true in the relationship and it will be true during the divorce. You can be kind, compassionate, a good listener, a caring, good person. And you can recognize you are not going to be a caretaker any longer.

Tried it, didn't like it, didn't really work.

He's probably not going to say, Yeah -- you're right. It's not fair. I'm a full-grown man-child with serious addictions. I need to work on my stuff and get this depression under control because we both know this is my burden to carry. I'm not ready for a fully committed relationship because this other stuff is crippling our relationship and making it impossible to reciprocate except in short bursts that I can't sustain.

He's probably going to FOG you. "How could you do this to me after everything we've been through, I went to therapy for you, I haven't had a drink in 6 hours and quit smoking pot for 6 whole weeks." Or?

If he goes silent, I would have a plan to get yourself to a place where you'll feel supported, like talking to a therapist, your friends, or something you do when you need to get centered. Be intentional like you would be if this were your younger sister, 10 years your junior. What would you suggest she do?

[Cat Familiar]

My husband uses silence as a way of showing his displeasure. Today I had a tree crew cut a dangerous tree that had partially fallen in the horse pasture. I had scheduled this without telling him—he’s disabled after a stroke and I figured he’d be upset if he knew about it either before or after, so after seemed a better alternative.

As I drove him to his physical therapy appointment, he asked me how much it cost. I told him and he let out an f-bomb. He can easily afford it— he’s wealthy. I’m not.

The entire drive he said nothing. In the past, I would have tried to make conversation. Today I just ignored his silence.

It needed to be done. I wasn’t going to do it. He can’t. So he can sit there and be an azz.

Not my problem.