Is she?

[uncleflo]

Hi All,

It's been a while since I posted (Hello!) but I have a question for the group…

For my wife's birthday, she wanted a weekend retreat at a hotel (she hates her birthday and Mother's Day based on her childhood trauma). She plans to, "stay inside all weekend, in her pajamas, watch movies, do yoga, and work on herself." With that said, she has been very secretive with me lately, distant, and eerily quiet about her FP boy toy (her "best friend" as she calls him). I have also been super devalued after the latest idealization phase happened a few weeks ago, and am feeling discarded.

Because we share a dresser, I noticed she packed all of her sexy, lingerie-style underwear for her two-night trip. Couple this with the fact that when I walked out on the deck yesterday, she was texting with somebody, and then quickly closed her phone when I came out. It felt sketchy. Since she has cheated on me in the past, I told her the next time it happens, I'm done. This is a firm boundary for me, as I've forgiven her too many times in the past for the sake of our children and am at my wit's end.

Am I reading too much into all of this? Is this just her HPD/BPD driving me crazy here and making me think she's planning to cheat on me?

Thanks for your help.

Uncle

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rev]

Hi Uncleflo

Thanks for the question. 

From what you write here, unless you have really overstated the case, then I'd have to say, sadly, that she is looking to cheat on you.

Shocking is how naïve pwBPD think the people around them are.

What makes you think that the evidence you have is not pointing to that conclusion?  Like, are you wanting to be doubly sure, kind of thing?

Hang in there, hold your ground.

Rev

[uncleflo]

Like, are you wanting to be doubly sure, kind of thing?

Yep. I trust my gut, as it has never steered me wrong in the past. There is something a-brewin', I can feel it in my bones. I mentioned to her before she left that my Spidey sense was tingling, and she said, "I am not going to have sex! With (FP) or anyone!" In our many years together and after much time studying BPD, I've learned that what isn't said is more important than what is. Sure, maybe they don't have sex... but everything else could still be on the menu. It doesn't mean he isn't driving up to visit for some action. And because she said "no sex," that doesn't mean it's still not on the menu.

I suppose I'm at an en passe now. My oldest is about to go off to college and my youngest is about to hit high school, so I feel an obligation to stay to support them... but I sure am getting sick of constantly being on the wheel, round and round. I think I'm close to wrapping this burrito up. She won't change but I sure as hell can. I might need to move to the other board soon. 

Uncle

[Rev]

What do you need from us to stay steady for yourself?

This doesn't sound like much of a marriage any longer.

Hang in there.
Reach out any time.

Rev