Sanity check needed - she’s blaming me for getting sick

[globalnomad]

Guys, I need a sanity check here.
We’ve had a tough time recently with both kids at home with some kind of cold/flu.
Now the kids are better but I’ve caught it. And it’s triggering a lot of rage with my pwBPD wife. This is a common pattern. Every time I get sick she blames me for not taking care of myself and complains incessantly about the burden it puts on her. Specifically, she takes a lot of supplements and insists I follow the same regimen that she does. I have done my own research and take some of them, but believe that as an adult I should be able to make my own decisions on what vitamins to take.

Because I do not submit entirely to her recommendations, I am blamed and shamed every time I get sick (by the way, this is rare - I am fit and healthy and generally take good care of myself).

This stuff is so triggering for her that when I’m sick I usually end up still doing all my usual chores around the house and don’t get sufficient rest. When she’s sick I of course do extra.

Is this a common pattern here? I’d like to try to set some boundaries around the vitamins issue because it’s increasingly making me angry. But not sure how to go about it without just triggering more conflict.

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[thankful person]

Hi global nomad,

I don’t have much helpful advice, but I always experience the same with my dbpd. She thinks it’s my fault I’m sick and has no sympathy. It’s been hard to recover when I want to rest and look after myself on my days off and she just wants us to go out all the time. We have all been very sick since moving to a new area last year. I work with multiple children who attend different schools so of course it’s always my fault. This goes in line with my wife actually not liking me working at all because she feels I care about work more than her (even though she wants the money).

[Link]

How long have you been married globalnomad? Were things different in the beginning? Did she show tons of empathy when you got sick in the beginning?

If so, I would imagine at some point there was a devaluing that happened and now you just get rage for being sick. She knows how to handle sickness. You don't. Get in line with her way of doing things because the way you think is not as good as her way of thinking. Of course I don't think that but your BPD wife does.

I can't give any practical advice on how to navigate disagreements with a borderline. They are always right, you are always wrong. At least when they are splitting. In my case, almost always.

[sam_the_wise]

Man!  this is so relatable. You have to do the thing as per their exact preferences if you don’t you will pay for it. My wife doesn’t want any kind of medication and even if I suggest something like politely and in extreme cases, there is hell to pay.

It is not normal. You have choice to do what you want. There is nothing wrong in it and no one should blame you for doing that and getting sick.

[Link]

globalnomad ... I can give you something even more insane if it helps make you feel better.

I once came down with a huge anxiety attack because our company was having a meeting at the same time I call my wife at lunch. I can't break from the norm so I went into a full blown attack. My coworker took me too urgent care only too leave with a clean bill of health and a bill. My wife came to pick me up and the first thing out of her mouth was ...was the nurse pretty? She proceeded to hammer on me the rest of the night about faking sick to check out the nurses at urgent care. She even looked the lady up online to see what see looks like. I haven't been to the doctors since. I'll probably die without ever seeing one again.

[globalnomad]

Man!  this is so relatable. You have to do the thing as per their exact preferences if you don’t you will pay for it. My wife doesn’t want any kind of medication and even if I suggest something like politely and in extreme cases, there is hell to pay.

It is not normal. You have choice to do what you want. There is nothing wrong in it and no one should blame you for doing that and getting sick.

Thankyou! Yeah it's frustrating. Sorry to hear you have to deal with similar issues! It's uncanny how relatable other people's experiences with this stuff are.

[globalnomad]

globalnomad ... I can give you something even more insane if it helps make you feel better.

Link - Yeah that's even more insane! It's hard enough having a panic attack in the first place (I did once too), without having to deal with the BPD reactions. To answer your earlier question, we have been married for about eight years. She was a little more empathetic when I was sick early on, but in recent years it increasingly just makes her angry.

[thankful person]

I had breast cancer and after my 6 hour mastectomy and reconstruction surgery, my wife was there to support me and complaining because I kept falling asleep.

[globalnomad]

I had breast cancer and after my 6 hour mastectomy and reconstruction surgery, my wife was there to support me and complaining because I kept falling asleep.

Gosh that’s horrible! I honestly dread the day I ever end up in hospital with cancer or something because I have no expectation at all of receiving any support - in fact the opposite is more likely.

[thankful person]

Gosh that’s horrible! I honestly dread the day I ever end up in hospital with cancer or something because I have no expectation at all of receiving any support - in fact the opposite is more likely.

It hurt my wife’s feelings that she had come to see me and I guess she felt rejected like I abandoned her because I’d rather sleep than spend time with her. It didn’t help matters that she didn’t like all these medical professionals touching my breasts. The other thing which I am trying to prepare myself for is my parents passing away. I know you can never prepare yourself for that, but it feels like we have to be extra vigilant having a partner who will be so unsettled by our grief. I feel like I will be trying to keep my feelings to myself.

[waverider]

You are not available to meet her needs, so you are failing to meet her sense of entitlement, there is nothing in this situation for her therefore you are held accountable for any inconvenience caused.

Even when pwBPD do seem to display any empathy in these situations it is often not about your needs it is about their need to show how caring they are and thus garner the praise and validation it brings. This can give rise to overbearing caring as they meet their needs not yours. Once the grand gesturing of caring wears off the daily grind and inconvenience of everyday care is absent, and it reverts to the paragraph above.