Just thinking out loud

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I have come to the conclusion that my willingness to tolerate verbal and emotional abuse, in the forms of

-yelling at me, cutting me off
-calling me names (shi**y businessman, shi**y driver, shi**y writer)
-mocking the food I eat (you eat shi**y food!)
-mocking my clothing and underwear (what, your wearing old man underwear now? Don't I wear nice underwear for you?)
-belittling my friends and clients
-ignoring calls and texts for days or a week
-severe gaslighting ("that never happened!";" ______________ happened", "I told you ______!"
; "this is horrible time to bring this up!"; "you wanna fight, is that what you want?"; "oh, that time you started a fight?" "we talked about it all through November and December!"  etc. etc.)
-pointing a finger in my face, menacing over me as I sat on the couch
-pulling off a highway violently (in MY car) and threatening to make me walk home in the dark and rain on a lonely 2-lane highway in the mountains
-explosions out of nowhere coupled with assigning me bad motivations ("you don't want to go grocery shopping, you're just trying to cover your ass!" when I offered to go shopping for our camping trip; "you're worthless in a grocery store!"; "I've told you you're a shi**y driver and I'm never riding with you again, and neither are my family or friends!" when I offered to pick her sister and niece up at the airport

I could go on, I won't.

My willingness to accept all this is my problem. I did accept it. I also did try to address these things, but as you see above it was always 'you picked a bad time to bring this up' or something similar, or 'you're too needy/controlling/sensitive'. But ultimately, I accepted all this.

I believed that I was wrong, bad, at fault. I thought I had to try harder, become more self-aware, be a better partner. I was CONFUSED...I always thought I was a good person- everyone else seems to think so. In my life, I have never had these problems with other people in my life...I've always been told I'm very easy to get along with, considerate, thoughtful, kind...until her.

The key, I think, is understanding WHY I was willing to accept this.

I felt sorry for her. She said she had been in an abusive relationship with her ex husband, she felt put upon as a woman in our society and as a single mother, she said that her life was very hard. (not really- her family is very wealthy and gave her a lot of money each month, she went on trips all around the world regularly, she worked from home very, very part-time). I wholly and completely acknowledge that being a single parent is hard, I'm not diminishing that. But I worked 70+ hours a week in my own business, with a huge rent and payroll to meet every month, and doing all the marketing, communications with clients and employees, partnerships, events, hiring and training, cleaning of the facility, getting up at 5:20am multiple days per week, getting home at 7:30 or 8:00pm at night. She never acknowledged how hard this was, didn't seem to understand...or care. Actually mocked me-"you sit around at coffee shops all day", "ooh...well we'd have more time to talk if you didn't go to bed at 9:30 at night")

She seemed so vulnerable and ill-at-ease in social situations. I'm naturally outgoing and comfortable around groups of people I don't know, in fact I enjoy meeting people and talking with them. So I went to every event for her son's theater group she ever invited me to, volunteered for his performances as an usher and raffle ticket sales, gladly attended her son's graduation events and 8th grade project presentation---WITH her ex-husband there. Yet, she NEVER once came to any event or trip or THING I wanted to her to come to. No is the answer I got for events at my business, going to a brewpub, going to my hometown to see where I grew up, coming with me to a meeting in California (staying on the beach in a really nice hotel), having a party at my place for friends and clients, etc. etc.

She was very small, tiny even, and seemed afraid of things.

I wanted to make her feel safe, wanted, respected. I failed at that, apparently, and I internalized all the things she said to me...because why would she say these things if they weren't true?

The core of my suffering since we broke up has been that I'm a BAD person. I FAILED her. I HURT her. As she says, I "don't show up for her". I have come to hate myself for ruining something that was so important to me- our relationship, our love.

Having never experienced anything like this before, I was CONFUSED. Nothing made sense.

She loves me, but doesn't respond to casual, relationship communications? (not too many, not in a needy fashion...just a hey, what time is your family arriving? Or, how was the market this morning? Or want to go to lunch today?)?
She loves me, but explodes at me and calls me names?
She loves me, but belittles everything about me?
She loves me, but doesn't invite me on weekends away with her friends (who I know?)
She loves me, but ditches me over the holidays (preceded by a week of ignoring texts and calls and lunch invitation)?
She loves me, but mocks my communications with potential partners and investors (which she never witnessed)?
She loves me but my friends are "losers" and "pompous asses"?
-

[jaded7]

I have come to the conclusion that my willingness to tolerate verbal and emotional abuse, in the forms of

-yelling at me, cutting me off
-calling me names (shi**y businessman, shi**y driver, shi**y writer)
-mocking the food I eat (you eat shi**y food!)
-mocking my clothing and underwear (what, your wearing old man underwear now? Don't I wear nice underwear for you?)
-belittling my friends and clients
-ignoring calls and texts for days or a week
-severe gaslighting ("that never happened!";" ______________ happened", "I told you ______!"
; "this is horrible time to bring this up!"; "you wanna fight, is that what you want?"; "oh, that time you started a fight?" "we talked about it all through November and December!"  etc. etc.)
-pointing a finger in my face, menacing over me as I sat on the couch
-pulling off a highway violently (in MY car) and threatening to make me walk home in the dark and rain on a lonely 2-lane highway in the mountains
-explosions out of nowhere coupled with assigning me bad motivations ("you don't want to go grocery shopping, you're just trying to cover your ass!" when I offered to go shopping for our camping trip; "you're worthless in a grocery store!"; "I've told you you're a shi**y driver and I'm never riding with you again, and neither are my family or friends!" when I offered to pick her sister and niece up at the airport

I could go on, I won't.

My willingness to accept all this is my problem. I did accept it. I also did try to address these things, but as you see above it was always 'you picked a bad time to bring this up' or something similar, or 'you're too needy/controlling/sensitive'. But ultimately, I accepted all this.

I believed that I was wrong, bad, at fault. I thought I had to try harder, become more self-aware, be a better partner. I was CONFUSED...I always thought I was a good person- everyone else seems to think so. In my life, I have never had these problems with other people in my life...I've always been told I'm very easy to get along with, considerate, thoughtful, kind...until her.

The key, I think, is understanding WHY I was willing to accept this.

I felt sorry for her. She said she had been in an abusive relationship with her ex husband, she felt put upon as a woman in our society and as a single mother, she said that her life was very hard. (not really- her family is very wealthy and gave her a lot of money each month, she went on trips all around the world regularly, she worked from home very, very part-time). I wholly and completely acknowledge that being a single parent is hard, I'm not diminishing that. But I worked 70+ hours a week in my own business, with a huge rent and payroll to meet every month, and doing all the marketing, communications with clients and employees, partnerships, events, hiring and training, cleaning of the facility, getting up at 5:20am multiple days per week, getting home at 7:30 or 8:00pm at night. She never acknowledged how hard this was, didn't seem to understand...or care. Actually mocked me-"you sit around at coffee shops all day", "ooh...well we'd have more time to talk if you didn't go to bed at 9:30 at night")

She seemed so vulnerable and ill-at-ease in social situations. I'm naturally outgoing and comfortable around groups of people I don't know, in fact I enjoy meeting people and talking with them. So I went to every event for her son's theater group she ever invited me to, volunteered for his performances as an usher and raffle ticket sales, gladly attended her son's graduation events and 8th grade project presentation---WITH her ex-husband there. Yet, she NEVER once came to any event or trip or THING I wanted to her to come to. No is the answer I got for events at my business, going to a brewpub, going to my hometown to see where I grew up, coming with me to a meeting in California (staying on the beach in a really nice hotel), having a party at my place for friends and clients, etc. etc.

She was very small, tiny even, and seemed afraid of things.

I wanted to make her feel safe, wanted, respected. I failed at that, apparently, and I internalized all the things she said to me...because why would she say these things if they weren't true?

The core of my suffering since we broke up has been that I'm a BAD person. I FAILED her. I HURT her. As she says, I "don't show up for her". I have come to hate myself for ruining something that was so important to me- our relationship, our love.

Having never experienced anything like this before, I was CONFUSED. Nothing made sense.

She loves me, but doesn't respond to casual, relationship communications? (not too many, not in a needy fashion...just a hey, what time is your family arriving? Or, how was the market this morning? Or want to go to lunch today?)?
She loves me, but explodes at me and calls me names?
She loves me, but belittles everything about me?
She loves me, but doesn't invite me on weekends away with her friends (who I know?)
She loves me, but ditches me over the holidays (preceded by a week of ignoring texts and calls and lunch invitation)?
She loves me, but mocks my communications with potential partners and investors (which she never witnessed)?
She loves me but my friends are "losers" and "pompous asses"?
-