Yet, here we are. She has withheld the paycheck.
How do I respond to her BPD actions?
How do I respond for future legal needs?
How do I respond for my peace of mind?
I don't think I can just ignore it nor let our financial obligations be impacted.
-In terms of your first question (dealing with the BPD side of things):
One of the ways I've learned to cope with my H's kids' mom (uBPD), when it comes to making any plans involving the kids, is to work out ahead of time how I can (a) make it all happen on my own without any help from her, if she agrees, and (b) move forward with my life, if she doesn't agree.
A few years ago, DH and I had an opportunity to take the kids on an international trip with his parents (the kids' mom loathes them, for her own BPD reasons). We let Mom know about it a year in advance, and for about 11 of those 12 months, we'd email her updates/safety info, and she wouldn't say anything back. She even went with DH to get the kids' passports (both parents had to sign off)!
About a month before the trip, the kids come to us and say "Mom doesn't think the trip is a good idea".
If we didn't know about BPD, or better ways to cope with BPD behaviors, we'd probably have gone down the road of trying to convince Mom that it was fine, arguing with her that she'd had a year to raise concerns, telling her she'd better have the kids ready at her house when we went to pick them up to go to the airport, etc.
Instead, DH and I talked with each other, and accepted that:
-she wasn't communicating directly with us. She's an adult with our phone numbers and email addresses. If she thinks the trip is a problem, she needs to step up and parent. If she's sending hints through the kids, we aren't engaging.
-it was totally possible that she and Stepdad (uNPD) would "convince" the kids not to go, and that wasn't something we could control. We did not want to get into a "doorstep convincing battle" trying to make a flight. We decided in advance that if we showed up to get the kids and they said "We decided for ourselves we don't want to go", then DH and I would say "We're so sorry you're missing out, we love you and will see you when we get back". No fight.
What ended up happening was DH got the kids the night before, but then SD17 was having a really hard time, so he took her back to Mom's to say goodbye one more time. She was still struggling but both kids went on the trip..
More generally with the kids, if there's something I want to take them to on Mom's time, my texts look like: "Hey Kids' Mom, does it work with your schedule for SD15 to do XYZ at Time? Let me know by Day/Time; if I don't hear back, I'll assume we're good to go!" and I also do not ask for any help with transportation. If she says Yes and offers to share transport, it's just icing on the cake. If she says No, I've already accepted that that's a possibility, and I don't go down the beg/convince/argue road. I just accept the disappointment.
-In terms of your second question (dealing with the legal situation), I'll start by asking:
Do both of you also have individual accounts?
Who is on the mortgage?
-In terms of your third question (your own peace of mind/integrity):
There are many areas of our lives where unfortunately, if we're going to move forward with our lives and plans, we have to come up with ways to get stuff done with zero support from the pwBPD, and we have to decide in advance how to handle the inevitable obstacles that the pwBPD creates for us.
In terms of budgeting, you may need to come up with a prioritized list of bills/obligations, allocate your own paycheck to those top priorities as best you can, and negotiate with payees about different payment options that would be totally under your control. I'd guess that mortgage is top of your list? Are utilities also coming out of the "joint" account? Might be worth it to at least call up mortgage co and utility co and say "hey, I've paid the full amount on time for the last 17 years... things are a little tough right now, what can you do for me in terms of flexibility?" Worst case scenario is they say "sorry, nothing", but I've called the bank once because they hit us with a huge overdraft fee, and I told them "I've used your bank since high school, this is the first time we've ever overdrafted, I accept responsibility for not remembering a check was out. Would you be willing to waive the overdraft fee this once? I plan to set up overdraft protection after this". And they did!
Kid expenses: can you talk with coaches/studios/teams/etc and get a feel for alternative payment options? Do any of those groups offer $ off if you volunteer? Can the kids do some work for the groups to earn classes/fees? I would hesitate to involve the kids in financial stresses, but if it's a question of mortgage vs participation fee, tha's how things go sometimes. Maybe giving the kids a heads up that sometimes money situations change, and while you are looking into options right now, and are doing your best to make sure they stay in soccer/football/dance, they need to start thinking creatively of how they can contribute, otherwise it might not be an option. Your kids might know of some ideas you didn't (like "oh yeah, my teacher said if I teach the little kids' dance classes, I get my classes for free" or whatnot).
Basically, do as much as you can on your end, with your paycheck, to cover high priority expenses, without needing to resort to begging her/negotiating/etc.
Ultimately, though, whatever you choose, you're the one who has to live with you. So make choices that match your values, where you can live with integrity, knowing you did your best... whatever she thinks or whatever she says about you. Your integrity might guide you to only have a joint account, and if that's true, we can walk with you and try to make that "less worse". Or, your integrity might guide you to having only a personal account, and that's an option, too. In a certain sense, it's less about the specific decision, and more about who you want to be, and that has to be pretty strong in a sense of yourself, to withstand the intensely emotional opinions of the pwBPD in your life.
I know it's not easy with big financial commitments. I suspect that the first stages of rearranging finances will be the hardest, but once you have a different system in place, it'll get easier. It's just a question of making it through now, to a better system soon.
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Is she still withholding the paycheck as of today?
