Lessons learned while helping my partner through our breakup

[blackice]

After struggling with my breakup for a month I have reached a form of peace and acceptance that has lasted for more than 4 days straight. I'd like to write about my experiences in the hopes that it might help others.

Our separation 3 months ago was very abrupt as was our final breakup 1 month ago. After some space apart, I can definitely understand why they happened and that the breakup was 100% necessary. I have been able to move past my anger and pain by talking with my parents for hours every day. It was a form of therapy and they helped me so much. I had to get rid of 9 years of bottled up emotions. After the anger was gone, I needed to focus on my inner thoughts and piece together what went wrong and my role in everything. I came to the ultimate conclusion that I was as much to blame if not more. I could see how she tried very hard to fix things - even though her attempts were not what I wanted, at least she was trying. After awhile, I stopped trying to fix things and was just plain grumpy. This was my depression. I gave up because I was empty inside. This made her even more desperate to try to fix things, but I was not receptive because I was empty.

So, from her perspective she gave everything she had to try to make things work and I gave nothing. And in a lot of ways that is the truth. However, there is a story from my perspective here. The question now becomes, can I help her get to a point where she can understand what I was going through and that we were just approaching things differently trying to fix something that was not fixable. We needed time apart to break the codependency, heal our wounds, recognize our mistakes, understand things from our partner's perspective, and eventually come together with acceptance and an attitude of truly wanting to work hard fix the core problems and give each other what we need.

I am much further along in this process than she is. I feel like I am about 50-70% of the way through recognizing my own mistakes and seeing things from her perspective. Here's where things get interesting. I am chatting with her daily about her feelings. I let her say anything she is feeling at the time and try to be supportive without reacting. I know this is what she needs and she is not getting it from anyone. I got understanding from my parents and it was the only thing to calm my mind. I think that because she is able to vent directly to me (the cause of the anger) and I am showing understanding is probably very powerful. The key here is mainly to not defend or explain; just listen.

I have made a couple of mistakes along the way. I have started talking about how I felt/feel in relation to what she is saying and how I worked through it. However, she does not want to hear many of my feelings or be reminded of the fact that I am further along in the healing process. So I just need to show understanding and not make it about myself in any way - unless I have a mistake/apology related to what she said. This is difficult because I am having so many realizations and things I want to say to her - but they will need to wait until she is ready to hear them.

I also messed up by saying I was getting a form of closure by chatting with her. I meant that I had less anxiety and questions in my mind about our breakup but she took it to mean I was moving on (triggered her fear of abandonment).

So, I have to be very careful to pause when I am feeling any strong emotion (esp take a break for at least 10 mins), make sure to focus on her, and choose my words carefully.

This is a great learning process for me. It is very humbling and I recognize that we may never end up back together. However, it makes me happy that I can help her express her feelings. I feel like this will help lead her towards closure and happiness again. I know she is hurting and self-blaming a lot. And I ultimately just want her to be happy.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.