I really screwed up by not being more aware of trauma and BPD. I’m in so much pain.
Hey there SurvivalGuy,
I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. Believe me, a lot of us have been in the same boat. I'm about 8 months out and when I was where you are, well, I was going through many of the same things and feelings. Sometimes now I still go down the road of "what if's" and "I should have". But I will tell you this: It really is NOT your job to be a detective or therapist for your partner in a relationship. Your partner is the one who is the expert on themselves and it is their job to tell you about trauma / BPD or whatever their issues are and how it impacts them. If they never did that, how can you put the blame on yourself for not knowing how to help. If I had know my ex had BPD, CPTSD, and/or Disorganized Attachment, I would have responded to them in a completely different way. If they had talked to me about things like dissociation and splitting, explained what they were and how I could help when they went into those states, well, I would have done all that I could to support her. Sadly, she did not, and for a long time I thought like you; that I should have seen it, I should have known. But the truth is that someone did know, she did and it really is up to each person to communicate their needs to the person they are in a relationship with. In the future, if I run into these patterns, I'll probably have a much better idea of what they mean but not knowing about them without ever experiencing them before is not my fault, or your fault.
I don't know if this helps, but the person your ex is most likely really angry at is herself. She is most likely projecting that anger onto you. It's not really you who was not "there" for her, it is herself who was not there for her. If she had been, she would have clearly communicated to you what her issues and needs were rather than expect you to play the role of the perfect parent she never had.
Finally, I will tell you that I can relate to how tough this kind of breakup can be. It's like nothing I've ever experienced before and I'm still going through it (with the help of friends, family, and a great therapist). But it really does get better.
Take advantage of this site and reach out for advice or just to vent anytime!