Bpdw completely cutting my mother out of the kids’ lives

[thankful person]

I’ve posted before, things have been a nightmare with my wife’s splitting and dysregulaion since baby 3 arrived last year. I have had to somewhat pander to her demands so she stays more calm, though I’m working on setting better boundaries. For example, tonight she kept shouting when I went off to sleep, and I kept going back into her room to try and calm her so the kids wouldn’t wake.

My mother has never met baby 3. Tbh, w is cutting off her own mother too to an extent, not inviting her to middle child’s birthday. Our parents now live 4-5 hours away and my father is too sick to travel. My w has been very sick with various ailments since baby arrived and she’s also bored and lonely, struggling to make new friends or even connect with her own family. Even the friendly neighbour across the street said my wife made her feel uncomfortable when she kept pestering her to come over.

My mother never talks to my wife but they text each other. My wife gets upset because my mum will either see her message and not reply, or be online and not open in. My wife would like my mum to check in with her more and care how she feels. My mother is not a very sympathetic person by her own admission. She has tried to advise my w to look into Myers briggs but of course my wife doesn’t care.

W is now saying that my mother made her feel uncomfortable and unwelcome in her own home when mum came to visit last year. My mum said she just wanted to make the most of her time with the grandchildren (only about a couple hours several days running). W is now demanding mum makes more effort or she won’t be happy for mum to see the children.

Problem is I know my wife is projecting her own feelings of feeling unloved and unwanted and unsupported onto everyone most of all me. She continues to criticise me as not doing or being enough and making no effort, that I’m only obsessed with work and the kids.

I know my mum probably can’t get it right and I feel like my hands are tied. The kids are very dependent on my wife as main carer and she wouldn’t even let me take them out to see my mother for a day or few hours.

My mother has always known about the bpd diagnosis but I don’t feel like it interests her. Do I tell mum about the validating methods and Jade-ing and maybe point her in the direction of one of the bpd books? I didn’t want my mother to know the truth of what a mess my marriage is in, but maybe she already knows. I could even point her on here but I think she’d find me.

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[thankful person]

I thought I may as well keep this in the same thread:

My wife was on her worst behaviour last night. I am very unwell with a bad cough and desperately needed sleep and rest. My wife is doing her usual thing of wanting me to talk to her or text her all night. But of course she’s highly critical and emotional a as it is and nothing good is ever going to come of it. As I mentioned before, she kept shouting to get my attention, once I had turned off my phone so that her texts wouldn’t disturb me. Twice I was almost asleep and she came into the room shouting. I knew I could have left the house and that that would be my only option. She told me she would put her key in the door so that I couldn’t get in. I have a long day of teaching tomorrow, at school and then after school, including one online student I teach from home. I thankfully see the others at their homes now which I think is just as well knowing my wife has thought nothing of shouting and screeching at me sitting online lessons (years ago) in the past. If she was angry enough she wouldn’t care who was here. I just don’t know what to do. My cough felt like it was getting better and now feels so much worse again. Sorry for going on and on. I meant to mention that I didn’t want to leave the house to either have to spend money on a hotel or sleep in my car which would be very bad for my health atm. I think were I to leave at such a moment my wife’s behaviour towards me would become even worse. I worry about how it will affect the children. They don’t know about this latest episode but every time I leave for work is difficult and fraught with jealousy and hatred from my wife. She also wants me to earn more money and resents me for not helping her enough to pass her qualifications few years ago (she failed it because I wouldn’t do her work for her).

[Notwendy]

I hope you feel better soon!

This is how I think it is for someone with BPD. If someone isn't feeling well, there's less emotional caretaking, less attention to other people. For someone with BPD, they don't see this situation objectively. They see this as you withholding your attention to them on purpose- they see you as doing this to them and react to that. So while you aren't feeling well, and the expected response from your wife is to understand that and let you rest, she doesn't see it that way. You are not providing the attention she wants from you and this escalates her BPD behavior.

Your #1 priority now is to get yourself well. I don't know how you would do this but you need to be able to sleep at night.

[LifewithEase]

As for the restrictions about family visits. I know it is easier said than done but don't ask for permission but ahead of time make neutral statement that this is a plan. She will dysregulate, try to debate, engage negatively but you can't JADE. Then when it happens, you call her bluff.

I'm being fast and short with the advice. I know there are other posts that outline better how to do this.

The point I want to share is that my trap is that I get sucked into the back and forth and being permission / collaborative based. I'm learning that if I can stay calm, overcome the discord, that their objection tend to be bluffs.

[Notwendy]

I agree- this isn't something to ask for collaboration on. One should not have to give up their family completely if they are married. It doesn't sound like there's any reason your mother can't see the grandchild- and to not allow her to is cruel- to your mother, to you and the children.

The money issue concerns me too. There is value to the work in the home that a stay at home mother does. I did that too for a while, and while there's not a paycheck for that, I think the shared finances are part of spouses acting as a team for the benefit of the family as a whole. I have been the lower wage earner in the family but I also need to feel I am doing my part and so I do that. Also every family has to manage a budget and spending needs to be within that budget.

This is not what I experienced in my family growing up. Like most women in her era, BPD mother was a "housewife" so my father was the wage earner. Even though my father earned a good living, there were money issues due to BPD mother's spending. He earned enough money, it's just that when money is used to meet someone's emotional needs, there may not be "enough" to do that.

I understand how difficult this is. It makes sense to expect teamwork and collaboration between adults. When it comes to being responsible- I think you are the adult in the family. Thankfully your wife is good with your kids but she's acting like a toddler herself. You need to be the one to put the boundaries on what money she spends, take your kids to see your mother.

[thankful person]

Thank you not Wendy and life with ease. I am feeling a bit better but still annoyed I would be even better if I’d had a good rest last night. I realised very early on in this relationship I was not allowed to say anything like, “I’m going for a lay down, I don’t feel well”, to which the response would always be, “you never want to spend any time with me!” I was diagnosed with bilateral breast cancer under the age of 40 (very unusual) within two years of being with my wife. I do put it down to stress and lack of sleep.

I’m going to try and plant more seeds about my mother’s visit. I get that it would be good to just get on with things without my wife’s permission. I was well on track with this before the last baby arrived and now I just find everything impossible if it’s not her idea. I know she needs to feel in control and actually when mum did come up it was my wife who invited her. My wife is jealous because her own mother doesn’t show as much interest.

My wife is also having a major let down of her expectations that “life will be better when….” This was “life will be better when baby is weaning and the weather gets warmer…” Unfortunately my wife is still not wanting to go out as she has no one to go with when I’m working. I’m doing an extra day tomorrow and she doesn’t seem to get that this is because I cancelled a day (for her, because she wasn’t well) last week.

The money continues to be a nightmare. We have booked two holidays this year on credit along with getting a new bathroom. And yet she is still obsessed with the idea of going away after Christmas. If I raise concerns the infuriating answer is always, “I’m just looking, doesn’t mean I’m going to book anything”. Other times she has threatened to book something without even telling me. It’s a total obsession with trying to get a better life and the reality of course will never live up to the expectations, just like all holidays disappoint her and I know others will agree when I say, “what’s the point in going away at all?”.

[Notwendy]

My BPD mother also has the idea that the "next thing" will be the thing that makes her happy. My father would make sure that the "next thing" would happen for her- the vacation, the item she wanted or situations she wanted. These things didn't turn out to be the solution for her, because the reason for her emotional issues were with her. The wanting the "next thing" was a projection.

These "next things" were nice. We did have some lovely holiday travels and experiences. The problem was that this became a financial strain on my father. It stressed him and we could see it. He was usually good natured but was irritable and more prone to anger. He was just emotionally on edge- for good reason, but we didn't fully understand then as kids. To compensate - we seemed to have two income levels in the family. For BPD mother- above his means. For us- below that to compensate.
My BPD mother continues to be irresponsible with money.

My best guess is that, unless you take action over the finances, this situation continues because it's a search for happiness through getting things but that isn't a solution.

 

[thankful person]

An unexpected development occurred. My wife was lamenting to my mother about not being able to get a job (baby still too dependent) and my mother has given us a large sum of money to help us (this is not the first time). My mother would rather gift us the money now than us have to pay large amounts of tax when she passes away.

Anyway, my wife has been pestering me to work out how much extra money we’ll have each month now we’ve been able to pay off council tax, my car, electric bill (huge arrears) and have a bit left over.

Income and expenditure form not looking good. We basically break even. This is mainly because I am not working as much as I need to. I do two days teaching piano in a school which is good money. I teach for around 12 hours after school/weekends. My wife didn’t want me teaching online after 6pm as kids are settling into bedtime routine. She didn’t want me teaching at home because one day I went fine minutes over and I was accused of taking advantage. I’m back to spending much time driving as well as teaching.

My wife of course is gutted that we still have no money. But also laying on the guilt about tomorrow. I work 6.5 hours at school then visit 3 students at home (extra 2 hrs working so 8.5 hrs). I am out of the house from 8.30am till 7pm, but it is my only long day except Thursday which is similar but I come home for 1.5 hr break during the day.

I just don’t know what to do. I feel like there’s so much pressure from all directions.

My wife did say at one point, I wish your mother would just talk to me and listen to me (she means online), rather than always throw money at the problem. I said, well she would rather be visiting her grandchildren. I don’t know how I would arrange this without my wife’s agreement. Would I tell her my intentions? I certainly wouldn’t want my mother booking train tickets without realising it was against my wife’s wishes.

[Notwendy]

I can't help but see this through the experience with my BPD mother. The idea that your wife accepts your mother's money and still doesn't allow her to see the children feels cruel to your mother. I don't know if you have discussed your situation with your mother, but my guess is that she's aware enough to be worried about the children- and you, which is why she gave you the money.

At the moment, if your wife is providing child care- that is her job. Probably whatever she could earn outside the home would not make a lot more than what she'd pay in child care. So the income you have is mainly what you are earning outside the home. The problem isn't income, it's that your wife isn't content with living within her means and spends above your means.

It's this discontent "not enough money" that is causing issues however, this is actually emotional discontent. With my mother, there's not ever enough, but it seems nothing is ever enough for her. My father earned a good income. We were not wealthy but we could afford a lot of things that people would be happy with. It's BPD mother who can't be content with what she has.

This has continued - and so I don't see this changing on your wife's part. Even with your mother's generosity, she's finding something to be dissatisfied with. My mother seems to do that too, no matter what I try to do that is nice for her, she finds something I didn't do the way she wanted or that she doesn't like. BPD mother has had enough money for most people, it's actually a generous amount, but it's how my mother feels that makes it "not enough".

[thankful person]

Not Wendy, I’m biding my time on the mother visit because the last thing I want really is to “take a stand” but I will if I absolutely have to. So I’m giving my wife a bit more time to be reasonable about this..

You’re so right about nothing ever being enough. That is truly central to bpd, the general dissatisfaction with everything and desire for something better, something more… no matter whether that is money, holiday, car, home, family… the grass will always be greener elsewhere. We used my credit card to buy a holiday this year. My wife didn’t realise that although I can get interest free, I still have to pay a sum of money towards it each month. She doesn’t seem to get that about 25% of my earnings goes to debts (and interest). We’ve got a new allowance plan for her, which I hope will stop her spending on credit card (I know you’ve warned me against hoping for too much…)

That’s what I’m coming to terms with is being part of my wife’s dissatisfaction with life. I have come a long way in learning to live with it and as you know I’ve found my wife is generally calmer and more sane when I have more realistic expectations of her.

We got matching tattoos the other day and for me that is a symbol of my commitment despite how I sometimes feel. It was my wife’s 10th tattoo and my first. I always wanted to get matching ones done, I think she thought I never would do it. But I chuckled to myself on thinking how often she takes off her wedding rings as a symbol of our “failing marriage”. She can’t take off her tattoo or make me do so. I’ll try not to mention that in a heated moment, but I’ll be glad to still present to the world a symbol of my love and commitment to her, even if she screeches to take my rings off.