Heartbroken and scared

[MsMaggie]

My 28 year old daughter has been diagnosed bpd and bipolar.  She takes lithium.  When she drinks, she is unmanageable.  When she isn’t drinking, she can turn on someone in two seconds and you are left wondering what in the world just happened.  A year ago she had a very bad episode while we were out of country.  She wasn’t supposed to be at our house but she went anyway, took down all my cameras and threw a party.  I called the cops and had her and her friends removed.  We didn’t speak for 5 months.  We have been working hard on the relationship with me trying to understand how to better communicate with her.  She stopped drinking.  We took a family vacation to the beach this week, she started drinking.  When I found her at the bar with a $400 tab, I was ticked off.  I told the waitress to close out my tab and I walked off.  She followed me screaming to the hotel.  All of this she has done before.  The difference?  She threatened to beat the “f” out of me.  I didn’t move.  I looked her in the eye and said stop.  She got really close yelling at me how bad I am and then she packed up her bags and drove home.  She has literally no friends.  There is no one else left in her life.  She hasn’t had a relationship in 5 years.  She has blocked me again, my mom, her sister, her aunt..blah blah.  I don’t know what to do. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi MsMaggie
Your post is not a long one - but there is just so much to digest in it. BPD is bad enough, when there are co-morbidities it is so complex and difficult. I have a similar situation.

In particular I can identify with the feeling there is just no way forward ('When she drinks . . . unmanageable, when not . . . . )

In my case it is not alcohol, but marijuana (and the drug ice for a long time, but without marijuana, it is hell to be honest).

I also know that feeling when there is just no one else in their lives. I also know what it's like to be confronted with aggression and threats (this used to be a frequent thing in my life; not so much now as ice is not being used so constantly). I too just had to look in the eye and 'challenge' the behaviour that way.

I have been punched a couple of times, but mainly it has been aggression and in my face threats. My dd is very, very strong when fired up and it has been very scary at times. At the back of my mind there was always the thought that when coming down from ice usage people can be very violent.

I did think things through - what I would do in various situations etc and have called the police a couple of times.

You say that these things have happened before and you have had a period of a few months when there was no contact. If this is a similar situation it might be good to spend the time thinking through ways of relating to your dd.

Bipolar and bpd is a heavy load and I am not surprised dd turns to something to self medicate. While the lithium can help the Bipolar symptoms, it can be more difficult to address the intense feelings of BPD. My dd does this with marijuana, but even then the symptoms break through the calming effect of the drug.

Some things I have learnt through reflecting on my bpd dd are: she can't sustain prolonged interaction; she can't handle too much discussion - in fact very little at all; she is best left to talk when she wants to talk and then with little or even no response; she is better with short, 'special' shared times eg a short lunch somewhere etc.

In some ways it can be helpful to see yourself not so much as the loving parent but as part of dd's therapy. You can't do anything about the choices she is making and we can't judge these either, because we can't imagine the turmoil of the mind they have to cope with.

That's why I wonder if this is a moment when you change the only thing you have control over, that is, the way you interact with dd. Look back over the recent times - what would you do again, what would you change?

Hopefully by the time communication is restored you will be able to start on a new path, rested a little from the break and knowing what is possible when interacting with dd.

Thank you for posting. I always find it so helpful to me knowing there are others out there coping with the things that are in my life also. I hope you feel supported knowing this too.

[tristesse]

you are not alone in this thing called BPD. There is hope, so please don't feel defeated.
My DD, 39 HAS BPD, and had been a violent bully for years. she has physically attacked me on more than one occassion, I know the desperation, the heartache and the extreme sadness you feel.
try to remember this is an illness, and it is not your fault. A BPD is a master at manipulation, they are great at gaslighting, and will blame anybody other than themselves.
I suggest getting your own therapy, I learned so much about how my reactions and responses to my DD were triggers. I wasn't doing or saying anything wrong, it was all in my delivery. The way I communicate with every other person, was not an appropriate way to communicate with her. I had to learn to monitor myself. my Learning correct communication was a large part of her recovery. She also found the best therapist for herself, she had been in ongoing treatment since she was 16, nothing was effective, nobody was able to help, until she found her current therapist.  DBT is a God send and it does work. All I can really tell you is, believe her when she tells you she will beat the ____ out of you. Seek out help before it goes there.  Self Care is crucial , but so is your DD's mental health. let her stew for a while, but don't give up on her. hang in there.