coping with push/pull

[pipefitter]

I posted a couple weeks ago about how my ex fiancé wBPD had reached out to me after our longest period of no contact. There was a testing of the waters on her end, followed a few days later by a reengagement by me. This time it has felt different on her end. Every reengagement since the break up she has seemed very cold, distant, not wanting to engage in conversation. this time for the most part, it has been the opposite. other than a couple days here and there it has been consistent engagement with flirting by her and by me, selfies back and forth, and tests to see if I am seeing anyone else.I have tried to avoid the pitfall of stressing her into dysregulation which so often happened in the initial post break up period. a couple days ago we talked on the phone, she told me she wishes she wasnt alive, is drinking, not taking care of her kids or her house (kids are staying with the god parents).I was empathetic without co-signing the poor behaviors. we had a discussion of what we are, to which she said she can't commit to anything right now, which I understood. I also wanted to take the lead so I committed to not seeing or sleeping with anyone else. basically what im getting at is we had a deep conversation, and she seemed to handle it differently this time than before. her entire tone was different and it was like she was actually trying. she had to hand up, then about an hour later she called back unexpectedly. we ended up talking on the phone for 3 hours. it went very well. it was like we were justing hanging out together. she seemed to enjoy it as much as I did. now since, for the past 2 days she has become very distant. I asked her yesterday if everything was alright and she said she was just busy at work. today come, and it seems she's even more distant. has not engaged whatsoever only to reply to my good morning have a good day text. it seems to me that she is aware that she enjoyed the phone talk, and its now triggering her into push/pull. I don't know how best to handle 'this without triggering an episode or reinforcing the behavior or her going into a silent treatment. I can't find much info about how to deal with push/pull on here or anywhere else so any advice would be awesome!

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[kells76]

Hi pipefitter, thanks for updating us with where things are at.

While I've mentioned before that the pwBPD in my life isn't a partner/ex, what I've heard discussed here, and what actually kind of makes sense for interacting with any pwBPD (not only partners), is the idea of matching the direction of their emotion, without matching the intensity.

An example of how that could look is:

A pwBPD exclaims excitedly about how amped she is about the "perfect" new job, which is "everything she's ever wanted". Her excitement is at a 10/10 -- pretty intense. A "direction matching" response could be also excited (matching the positive direction of emotion), but NOT at a 10/10, more like a 6/10: "That's good news! Even though there are sometimes hiccups with new jobs, it makes sense to look forward to it." There's a tiny dose of reality in there that tempers the intensity, but the response still matches the positive direction of emotion.

Similar, but shorter, could be: "Good news! What are you looking forward to?"

(Contrast that with an "opposite direction" response where the responder tries to get the pwBPD to "see reason": "No job is perfect, so you should try to not get too excited about it" -- that invalidates her feelings and tries to make her feel different).

An example of the other direction could be:

A pwBPD gets fired from a job, and proclaims loudly how she never liked the job anyway, the manager sucked, and now she's never going to be employed. Her despair is also at a 10/10. A "direction matching" response could commiserate lightly: "Babe, that sucks... getting fired hurts. Even though there were things you liked about the job, it makes sense to feel down". Or, again, shorter can be better: "That sucks... I'm sorry."

Given that you aren't really in a talking/sharing stage with your ex right now (she isn't offering a lot or initiating a lot of texts etc), a way to "direction match" that is to not chase, beg, plead, etc. So, you're kind of matching where she's at, action-wise.

I think it can be challenging for people with loved ones wBPD to accept the irrationality of BPD behavior. There isn't "a thing" you can do that has a "cause and effect" impact on your ex right now. I guess, in a sense, sure, there are things we can do that make things worse (JADE-ing, chasing/begging, etc), but there isn't a magic wand we can wave that guarantees a positive outcome, or guarantees that she'll "snap out of" the push/pull dynamic.

I'm wondering if the bigger challenge right now is managing your feelings/emotions about this space, no matter what she does. Can you find ways to handle the times when she goes silent? Two things can be true about that -- it can feel like "the silent treatment" or an intentional punishment, and it also might not be intentional and might be the best she can do at the moment (as low-skilled as it is).

She may go silent/out of touch for a while, and that may be her very low-skill way of communicating "I need some space". It'd be better if she said that explicitly, but she does seem to be communicating something by pulling away, and respecting that, and working on yourself during that time, might be the best you can do with the cards you've been dealt. It could be framed in a positive way: you are being gifted some time to focus on yourself and become a better version of you, so that if/when she connects with you again, you have a stronger foundation and are healthier for that interaction.

I know others here on Bettering have a variety of experiences to share, so definitely check out other threads for some ideas.

Generally, though, keeping things low-key, avoiding chasing/begging/pleading, and working on yourself during "silent" times, could be a strong way to go.

Hope that's some helpful food for thought;

kells76