The Love of My Life and mother of my children is making things really difficult

[ClaritySeeker]

Hi guys,
So, I have still a sweet and lovely foreign girl, 2 little kids and what was a fantastic life until this summer just gone, where things have spiralled out of control to the downside ever since.

To cut the story short, we sold out family home to move to temporary rented in the summer and here is where things slipped for the worse. We had the expected stress and upheaval of moving so had perhaps an off couple of weeks before she headed off on the school hols back to her homeland with the kids, I thought a break is probably a good things so didn’t even message her for a few days.

Finally, I head out and propose and all seemed fantastic! (Just what she has always wanted although, I held off as something felt not right, I guess with her occasional extreme hot and cold behaviours.

We come back and one evening a few weeks later I find her messaging another guy secretly whilst drunk who was an old friend who messaged for years who fell for her whilst away, an emotional affair that really hurt me. She didn;t fancy him she says just liked having him there (BPD special friend?)

We have been trying to rebuild but she has recently gone out to a club night as a one off like old times with a pal, looking all hot and whilst she has behaved oddly at times on alcohol, she appeared days later in an interview flirting inappropriately with an interviewer (as if she didn’t know what else to do, essentially offering herself to him) which has shocked me to the core.
I felt I had to end it but she was adamant she was ‘joking’ but admits it was wrong. The more I watched the more I realised something is just not right and then I came across BPD.

All of a sudden everything fitted into place, mood swings, feeling insecure about us for no solid reason leading her to flirt with other guys to get validation.

She has been open to getting my theory checked out but unfortunately it all went to pot this weekend with a private appointment, after an upset triggered her again to be angry at me about all of this, so we went to see him and he just said we need couples counselling. His main point to me was if it was a disorder she would have been struggling before this house move etc.

I am a little lost now and I do feel we need another opinion.

Her mood very much depends on mine, if I pretend I am all fine (whilst hurting) all is fine with her, but she just cannot take me getting angry at her she has to deflect back at me so it seems a fairly terminal situation without me taking a step back and managing this appropriately.

It seems a self-fulfilling prophecy as with BPD, weigh up other options whilst incorrectly fearing abandonment, causing the abandonment to become more of a prospect whilst not accepting what she is doing!

Any pointers will be appreciated.

(Some say I am overthinking this and she is just a woman who can’t handle her drink, but she stands out when she has had drink like nobody else I know)

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[kells76]

Hi ClaritySeeker, glad you reached out for some help and support as you process that your partner has many BPD type traits.

Her behaviors sound unstable and emotionally driven -- in a way, whatever label or diagnosis she would have or would not have, the important thing is that she's making choices that are hurtful to you and that you don't want in your relationship. It sounds like you value faithfulness in the relationship, and it looks like her actions are saying that faithfulness is not as important to her. Those values differences are incredibly difficult.

There have been members here who have been in long term relationships where things were mostly okay, but when a crisis or emergency happened, that seemed to "trigger" the BPD-type behaviors to "start". Whether the person always had BPD or not, I couldn't say, but you're certainly not alone in experiencing a sudden change in behaviors after a stressful event (moving house, etc).

It's possible that the counselor you talked to didn't have a lot of experience with BPD, so it's OK to get another opinion. It can also be hard to make an assessment based on descriptions of what happened, versus the counselor actually seeing the behavior in person. So, if your wife was able to "hold it together" for one appointment, the counselor may not have had enough data to say definitively "yes, this could be BPD". If you are able to stay with a couples counselor for multiple appointments, it's possible that the counselor will see more of your wife's behaviors, and can make a better assessment.

Also, as BPD is a spectrum disorder, some people have only some BPD type traits and behaviors, that are not enough for an official diagnosis.

However, that doesn't make your life any easier, which is why we're here -- many members here have a pwBPD (person with BPD) in their lives who doesn't have an official diagnosis, yet who are high-conflict, emotionally volatile, chaotic, and difficult to interact with. My husband's kids' mom has many traits and behaviors, but no official diagnosis, as far as I know, yet she is still a very challenging person to work with.

You've highlighted a sad part of the disorder:

It seems a self-fulfilling prophecy as with BPD, weigh up other options whilst incorrectly fearing abandonment, causing the abandonment to become more of a prospect whilst not accepting what she is doing!

Many pwBPD lack the insight to see that their choices and actions impact others in a way that brings about their fears. It's pretty tragic.

That being said, I hear you that you have kids together, so that sounds like some motivation to try to make things better?

If so, a good place to start could be our section of articles on When a partner, spouse or girlfriend has Borderline Personality Disorder. Let us know if some of those resonate with you -- we're looking forward to walking alongside you on this journey.

Write back whenever works for you, and again, welcome;

kells76

[Bella2798]

I hope you're doing well dear friend. I can imagine what you're going through and I guess it can be much harder when there are kids in between. Although I personally think it is a very long journey with many ups and downs, I assume having an appointment with a counselor can be a good way to start!

As dear Kells said, maybe it's a good option to have more appointments so there would be more for the expert to be able to give you a diagnosis.
My partner has tried some therapists until now, but none of them could give us a proper diagnosis, because he had visited them for only a months or two (max), just 1 sessions a week. They only saw his "not triggered" phase, or otherwise, his triggered phase. So they only could either see he was a depressed, stressed out man who has supportive friends and partner with a problematic but loving mother, or like he was a man who was in a toxic relationship, alone with no friends and a hateful mother. And none of them were true. He only got diagnosis after beeing 3 weeks into a mental clinic (hospitalized at his will).

We come back and one evening a few weeks later I find her messaging another guy secretly whilst drunk who was an old friend who messaged for years who fell for her whilst away, an emotional affair that really hurt me. She didn;t fancy him she says just liked having him there (BPD special friend?)

And this is my very personal thought based on my experience with my partner. I'm not supporting cheating because someone has BPD. But I remember my partner has said something similar too. Like he sometimes flirted with someone, even without knowing it (or somethings on purpose) but all he wanted to see was that, that person falls for him. He wanted to see that he's loveable. And people would accept him, he liked the idea of having people around him, and he would be so sad if someone wasn't loving him, even though he had no feelings for them.
This is the first time I'm saying this out loud, because I didn't want to invalidate my partner or be hateful, but I think my partner being polyamorous might even be a part of his BPD. Because he wants to have people who actually love him and never leave him, no matter what, because they're his partners. Maybe I'm wrong in this, and I know how much being cheated on hurts. But I just wanted to share my experience to say that in my experience, BPD can have many faces. There can be many deep stuff lying under specific behaviors.

Her mood very much depends on mine, if I pretend I am all fine (whilst hurting) all is fine with her, but she just cannot take me getting angry at her she has to deflect back at me so it seems a fairly terminal situation without me taking a step back and managing this appropriately.

And I think I find another similarity with you here. Sometimes I view my pwBPD as a lost child. He depends on me in many ways, and even when everything is fine and he's not triggered, my mood affects him directly. He even seems frightened when I feel down because something totally unrelated to our relationship or him, like PMS. I'm still struggling myself with how to make my relationship more function and I don't want to give up on it, but I do definitely thing that I we manage to visit a therapist/counselor, it will have a huge impact.

There's never anything bad to look for a second opinion. There is more good than bad in it, I guess, and sometimes, specially when it comes to BPD, maybe it is even necessary.

This is one thing that kind people here tend to tell me a lot: please take care of yourself. You need every single bit of your energy through this journey, for you, for your partner and your children.

I hope my two cents can help you, and I'm sorry that this became too long.

[ClaritySeeker]

Thanks for the replies guys, earlier. We have been on a roller coaster mostly me shelfing my emotions to not upset her (we did some therapy alone then was to go to couples sessions, but she stopped it as felt she was fine). I have become quite depressed on and off with regards to her activities she now admits it's 'just' some sort of 'teasing'. She told me to stop going on about it as I got the wrong idea there was no real intent (anyone in control of themselves would not do these things otherwise it is clearly hurtful behaviour, which she says she didn't mean etc).

While I have tried, I got down and asker her more questions to ensure she didn't go further with anyone else that night as she gave some suspect hints - it has niggled way at me for some time.

She has now gone from me a day earlier being her 'everything' to her now 'moving out' (has moved her stuff all of it to a spare room) as she is done with this, me going on about things still (expressing my emotions looking for support from my partner given what happened - she takes it as a personal attack expecting me to just magically be trusting her fully again, lacking empathy for what I have been put through).