Does the pwBPD react to internal pain or inflict pain?

[gardenstater]

I'm reading a lot of threads in this forum, and I'll read many more. Some of the discussions have caused me to look at my DD's acting out from a different perspective that has nagged at me over time. I wonder: Is her acting out a reaction to her own deep and intense pain? That has been my working premise for 15 years. Or is acting out an attempt to inflict suffering on others in retaliation for not meeting her expectations? Perhaps its a combination of both.

I cannot think of a dangerous event or meltdown that was not preceded by her not getting her way. She has the reputation throughout the entire family for being unable to accept "no", even for the most outrageous or unreasonable request. She's also well known for her extreme "I'll show you!" attitude. When she is told "no", she will just continue to amp up the drama until she gets what she wants or is forced to give up because she's been sufficiently humiliated, hospitalized, or arrested. There is no limit to how far she would go, including harming herself or others.

As far as I know, my DD hasn't attempted suicide since she was 18, but there is a significantly contributing factor there. After her last meds OD at age 18, no doctor will prescribe her any psychotropic drug. The #1 side-effect of almost all psych drugs in teenagers is increased risk of suicide, so I do set the suicide attempts aside.

Beyond that, she will go so far as to open the door of a moving car, grab the steering wheel from the passenger seat, punch out a window, and physically attack people. If she's not in your physical presence, she will look for ways to hurt your feelings. She will not hesitate to use any vulnerability as a weapon. And if she doesn't know a vulnerability, she'll make one up. I have to admit, that can be funny sometimes. But of course laughing will only make her angrier. At least when she's not around I can hang up or block her. If she's angry enough, then she'll enlist the help of a third party. Her consistent desire does seem to be to inflict physical or emotional pain on others.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Leaf56]

I think it’s both—that they feel intense pain and need you to feel it too so you UNDERSTAND them, . And yes, I’m certain that my son wants me to be as miserable as he is.

[tristesse]

A pwBPD will attack when triggered. They will hurt you before you can hurt them. self harm or self loathing usually comes after the rage. it sounds like your DD is triggered by the NO response. My dd would also act out and become a violent hateful human being. she appeared to be a spoiled brat. It has gotten better over time, but it was a lot of hard work for the pair of us. Instead of just a no response, try asking her the benefits of what she wants. How does benefit her or the family? what is the purpose of the request? Can she pose a logical argument? Then you need to arm yourself with a response that acknowledges her and her response, that validates how she feels about it, while staying true to the no response.it takes practice, but it does help.  I wish you nothing but the best of luck.

[gardenstater]

Thanks for the perspective tristesse. This is a very delicate and precarious balancing act for sure.